Reply to So frustrated with not being able to know my kids grades.....

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here and I am paying for some of her schooling, she got scholarships and financial aid for the rest. I pay for her car insurance, health insurance, and phone. She says I need to trust her and she has been a good student in the past. This is her freshman year of college. I guess I just get the feeling something is up. She has always been very willing to show me a test or a paper if she had done well when she was in high school. I guess I feel like if she is doing so well, why wouldn't she want to show me her grades? I would never threaten her in any way to get information, but I am getting frustrated with her.  [/quote]

OP you need to take a deep break and dial back.  It is clear that you are motivated by concern for your daughter, but you have yourself all in a tizzy.

First term freshman year grades are indicators of how your kid is handling college and how it is going to be.  If she is doing badly it is likely she is overwhelmed, not lazy.  And you badgering her is likely to make her worse if there really is an issue, and just dislike you if there isn't.  Get some self control.

In fact, where I went to college first term grades were P/F only for exactly this reason.  Where I am a professor now it is the same (both top 20 schools, so this is not some easy way out, just the opposite).  This is because colleges acknowledge that first term grades are strongly affected by her adjustment and otherwise good students may have a tough time getting used to college.

You need to understand your daughter's emotional state by interacting with your daughter, not staring at a piece of paper that may never be available as her transcript.  Starting thinking about staying in touch with your daughter and being a person she wants to come to, not who is she is afraid of being badgered by.  Call occasionally at different sorts of times (note the occasionally: I mean once per week) just to say hello, send her a nice card or care package.  Go to parents visiting weekend.  Get to know her friends by saying hello to them when you visit. Ask her about what she's learning, what she likes, what's new, what activities she is involved in. See if she looks happy. Does she talk about her classes?  Have her plans for the future changed?  Does she seem optimistic or excited to go back to school?

In short, start treating your daughter like the adult she is becoming.  IF something is up you will not fix it by scolding her for bad grades or pestering her.  You will help her by being someone she can trust to come to for help.

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