Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:55 has some of the best advice I've ever read on this forum.

I find it difficult to believe her grades fell from straight A's to her scholarship being on probation because her parents wanted to see her grades. Makes no sense.

When I was in college (graduated in 2008) I was on a scholarship where I had to maintain a 3.5. Very easy to drop below this your freshman year. I had overbearing parents and how they acted stressed me out even more and I pulled away from them considerably my first couple of years from college.

This exactly. I was a straight A student at a challenging high school, on full academic scholarship as a college freshmen, and the pressure and drama with my parents that year made a difficult transition even worse. I had no one I could talk to, and no one giving me guidance. The pressure and the guilt of not doing as well as I always had (got a few Bs and Cs on some tests), I went into a tail spin. Cutting them off and going it alone was the best freakin decision I have ever made, but I would not wish the pain it caused my parents on anyone. You can no longer make demands of your kids like you did when they were young. Because I'm your mom/the boss is no longer a sound argument (if it ever was). If you want to know her grades, you need to change your attitude about your relationship with her. She needs to want to talk to you, and to want your advice. The fact that she doesn't does not mean she is flunking out. It could, buthonestly its her life and mistakes to make. If the money and support you give come with the strings of control, you need to be up front about it and let her choose whether dealing with you is worth the money. Be prepared to deal with the consequences if she decides that your strings aren't worth it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:55 has some of the best advice I've ever read on this forum.

I find it difficult to believe her grades fell from straight A's to her scholarship being on probation because her parents wanted to see her grades. Makes no sense.

When I was in college (graduated in 2008) I was on a scholarship where I had to maintain a 3.5. Very easy to drop below this your freshman year. I had overbearing parents and how they acted stressed me out even more and I pulled away from them considerably my first couple of years from college.

So far, I have seen OP and other commenters outraged that DD will not give access to the grades. There have been threats about not paying, etc. Everyone knows that first semester of college is usually when the grades are the worst because of the big adjustment. It is also the time where kids try hardest to assert independence. You guys seem intent on making sure that they are not independent. My question for you all is, if the grades are not up to your standards, how will you handle it? Berating and threatening a kid who may be overwhelmed can create anxiety and depression issues.

I have two kids in college - one a senior and the other a sophmore. Both are on academic scholarship. I ask about classes occasionally, but I live with whatever they tell me. My requirements for them are simple. (1) Keep your grades high enough to maintain your scholarship because I will not pay full freight and (2) stay on track to graduate on time. I also tell them that their grades will determine future opportunities and that they will be responsible for their own lifestyle. Other than that, I do not pester them about what their grades are. Because of that, they are very comfortable talking to me about their classes and seeking advice.

The kid has most of her tuition paid for through scholarships and financial aid. All the OP can do is withdraw her contribution for the next semester; she can't withdraw her from school. If the mother decides to withdraw her support, I am sure her DD will find a way to fund the portion mom is paying for. Or she will drop out.

But a parent can't just withdraw a student from school

Where do you control freak parents get these ideas?

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I am paying for some of her schooling, she got scholarships and financial aid for the rest. I pay for her car insurance, health insurance, and phone. She says I need to trust her and she has been a good student in the past. This is her freshman year of college. I guess I just get the feeling something is up. She has always been very willing to show me a test or a paper if she had done well when she was in high school. I guess I feel like if she is doing so well, why wouldn't she want to show me her grades? I would never threaten her in any way to get information, but I am getting frustrated with her.

Yes, something is up. She is not doing that well. It happens. Watched my brother go through this with my nephew. Insist on seeing the grades today or tell her today, that you will withdraw her from school. she can then figure out how to pay on her own. Do not listen to the hysterics that ensue. Also, really do withdraw her.

Yes, she is an adult and this is how it goes. Consequences happen and saying "I'm sorry, I will do better " is good but doesn't always fix something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you provide any financial support, you deserve to see her grades. It's that simple. If she doesn't want to share her grades, she can work her way through college. Simple!

I get this concept, I think, but really, the micromanaging of their adult children's school lives kind of bothers me. Maybe it is my experience, but I have to deal with 19 year olds in my classroom all.the.damned time harassing me for a better grade because mom and dad are going to lip out when they see the "B" or "C."

You're right, you don't have to pay for tuition if conditions you find necessary aren't met, but maybe you should step back and say, hey. It is time to let my ADULT child figure this out on her own. I think some parents do pay for college to help their kids out and don't want to see their money wasted, but really, it seems like most of them pay just so they can keep some control over their kids.

Like parents who help pay for a wedding then try to dictate every last detail. At what point do y'all just let them go?

when they start paying their own bills.

+10000

And if they decide working as a barista and not going to university is OK with them - they are paying their own way after all - you are OK with that? if they decide to elope and pay their own way, you are OK with that, as long as you aren't paying. Seems like you only have one way of talking to your child - with pursestrings. And that's just sad. I've been there as the child, and it only builds resentment - years of resentment that take years to get over.

Anonymous wrote:This is a power struggle between you and DD, OP. Sure, you can demand to see the report card or stop paying for school, but that seems a bit nuclear. What do you really want from her?

I might approach it this way:
"DD, I don't need to see your individual grades but I do want to know that you are keeping your GPA above a 3.0. Any average under that and we, your parents, don't think paying for school is worth it. Please expect to show me your GPA every semester."

As a former college student and now parent of two Elementary School students - I think this is an EXCELLENT way to approach the issue. That way, if there are struggles with one class, the child can use their own judgment regarding where their time is spent and how to spend it without parent hovering in the background, but the parent still gets to know that their money is not going down the drain.

If you are paying for college then you get to see the grades. Tell her those are your rules.

Anonymous wrote:21:55 has some of the best advice I've ever read on this forum.

I find it difficult to believe her grades fell from straight A's to her scholarship being on probation because her parents wanted to see her grades. Makes no sense.

I can understand where you're coming from OP. Knew someone who was in the same position as you. Her kid was flunking out while spending the parent's money pretending to be in school. The mom finally found out and yanked her kid out of school. This had been going on for two to three years. The parents were expecting their kid to graduate in a year only to find out it would be another three plus years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your daughter need to complete the Family Education Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) form. The form must be signed by parent and student. You will then have access to her grades. Request the form from the admissions office.

This is correct. My adult sister (who was footing $60K a year for a SLAC) did not know her own DC was failing in college until she accidentally opened a piece of mail informing DD that she was not returning to campus the next semester. FERPA protects students' privacy rights after 18. But the student can waive that by signing the FERPA waiver during registration. Our DC is a SN student with disability issues so gladly signed so we could work with the disability office and counseling center to set up the necessary accommodations.

Why wouldn't your DC do this? At the college I work at, the students have to meet and discuss their accommodations and are responsible for letting their teachers know. I would find it exceptionally odd if it was a parent doing that for an adult student. Most students with disabilities at the college level are capable of self-advocacy.

You have no idea what the range of disabilities is. I have a highly intelligent child with an ASD. I know that kids on the spectrum have a particularly difficult time adjusting (and they are at pretty much every college and university out there). I do expect him to advocate for himself but its quite possible that he wouldn't pick up on the fact that he needed to in a particular situation. Its fine to judge the parents of typical kids but unless you know what its like to raise a child with SN, you should really keep your thoughts to yourself.

Is your child a part of these discussions so that he can improve his self advocacy? It seems like many of these situations could also come up in the future when he enters the workforce. Sounds like it's a way to set him up for a good future.

21:55 has some of the best advice I've ever read on this forum.

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I am paying for some of her schooling, she got scholarships and financial aid for the rest. I pay for her car insurance, health insurance, and phone. She says I need to trust her and she has been a good student in the past. This is her freshman year of college. I guess I just get the feeling something is up. She has always been very willing to show me a test or a paper if she had done well when she was in high school. I guess I feel like if she is doing so well, why wouldn't she want to show me her grades? I would never threaten her in any way to get information, but I am getting frustrated with her.

OP you need to take a deep break and dial back. It is clear that you are motivated by concern for your daughter, but you have yourself all in a tizzy.

First term freshman year grades are indicators of how your kid is handling college and how it is going to be. If she is doing badly it is likely she is overwhelmed, not lazy. And you badgering her is likely to make her worse if there really is an issue, and just dislike you if there isn't. Get some self control.

In fact, where I went to college first term grades were P/F only for exactly this reason. Where I am a professor now it is the same (both top 20 schools, so this is not some easy way out, just the opposite). This is because colleges acknowledge that first term grades are strongly affected by her adjustment and otherwise good students may have a tough time getting used to college.

You need to understand your daughter's emotional state by interacting with your daughter, not staring at a piece of paper that may never be available as her transcript. Starting thinking about staying in touch with your daughter and being a person she wants to come to, not who is she is afraid of being badgered by. Call occasionally at different sorts of times (note the occasionally: I mean once per week) just to say hello, send her a nice card or care package. Go to parents visiting weekend. Get to know her friends by saying hello to them when you visit. Ask her about what she's learning, what she likes, what's new, what activities she is involved in. See if she looks happy. Does she talk about her classes? Have her plans for the future changed? Does she seem optimistic or excited to go back to school?

In short, start treating your daughter like the adult she is becoming. IF something is up you will not fix it by scolding her for bad grades or pestering her. You will help her by being someone she can trust to come to for help.

This very issue was the final straw in my relationship with my overbearing parents. I was on a full scholarship, and working to pay for my other expenses. They paid for nothing. Yet they wanted complete access to my grades, wanted to be able to speak to my professors, and an accounting of how I spent my time. My grades began to slip because of all the drama and pressure they put on me. I went from a straight A deans list student to having my scholarship on probation. We had a really nasty fight one summer, I gathered up my things and left. We did not speak for another 5 years. They proceeded to make the same mistake with both of my younger siblings.

My advice to you and all the other commiserators is to get a grip and let go. The school has its policy for a reason. Your children are adults. You no longer have any rights to any private information of theirs without them choosing to share it with you, and it says something about the relationship you've created that they choose not to. If that means you don't want to pay for anything, so be it. I honestly think they'd be better off. Your assistance and your love should not be conditional on their continued obedience or on your definition of successful for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you provide any financial support, you deserve to see her grades. It's that simple. If she doesn't want to share her grades, she can work her way through college. Simple!

I get this concept, I think, but really, the micromanaging of their adult children's school lives kind of bothers me. Maybe it is my experience, but I have to deal with 19 year olds in my classroom all.the.damned time harassing me for a better grade because mom and dad are going to lip out when they see the "B" or "C."

You're right, you don't have to pay for tuition if conditions you find necessary aren't met, but maybe you should step back and say, hey. It is time to let my ADULT child figure this out on her own. I think some parents do pay for college to help their kids out and don't want to see their money wasted, but really, it seems like most of them pay just so they can keep some control over their kids.

Like parents who help pay for a wedding then try to dictate every last detail. At what point do y'all just let them go?

when they start paying their own bills.

+10000