Reply to Friend does not discipline her child and it's no longer fun hanging out with them -- what to do?

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Reply to "Friend does not discipline her child and it's no longer fun hanging out with them -- what to do?"

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[quote=Anonymous]I have a friend like this, although, OP, I do things differently than you. (E.g., at 3 years old, I work more with my daughter on how to handle somebody grabbing something out of her hand-- I would never grab something out of a child's hand to teach "no grabbing.") What made me stop inviting her over with her daughter was that my own daughter started saying she didn't want to play with the girl anymore, and whenever I told my daughter they were coming over, she would cry and say "NO! I don't like 'Isabella'! I don't want her to come over! Please, Mommy." So, OP, if your daughter is having fun with this girl but it's just not fun for you, I think 3 years old is a good age for you to say, "Hey! Your daughter is comfortable here-- we'd love to have a drop-off playdate. You go enjoy some free time and I'll watch the girls." The other alternative is that you discipline the other girl in your house as you would your own daughter, and see if your friend gets upset or wants to end the friendship. I actually felt sorry for my friend who was like that-- it was really sad to see, because she tried to discipline her daughter, but the instant she got refusal or resistance (a tantrum!) she caved-- or, if she tried not to cave, she ultimately did once her daughter threw a big enough tantrum.

Totally understandable if you no longer like or want to spend time with the friend, but I viewed kids like this as a good opportunity to help my daughter learn her own coping skills in the safety of our own house that I am sure she is going to need dealing with similarly "rogue" kids in preschool, elementary school, and beyond. It's also given us a good opportunity to have discussions-- she'll ask, after they leave, "Why didn't 'Isabella' listen to you when you told her we don't throw the [plastic] bowling ball?" and the conversations we have kind of give me the opportunity to see what's going on in her own head. Since she has always been the Good Girl, it also gives her a chance to experiment with what will happen if she acts like "Isabella"-- everyone else's worse nightmare, I know, from the SAHMs I talk to who say "Oh, gosh, I am so afraid of my little angel learning bad behaviors from the other preschoolers." But these experiments actually, I believe, help her develop her sense of self and right and wrong and so forth, and being at the receiving end of another kid's being naughty helps her understand what it feels like in a very good, preventive way. (Since we talk about it, and I protect her from physical harm.) Life is unfair and unjust, and I can't always prevent another kid grabbing her toy, but I can be there to comfort her. If you just don't like this friend or can't stand 3 year old defiance, that's one thing. But I wouldn't end the friendship if this is an issue of protecting your daughter. GL![/quote]

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