Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stopped parenting them once they hit college (unless they need it). I had one parent who still tried to parent me until I was in my 30s and I think it affected our relationship. My other parent was fun and just tried to be my friend. Other parent trusted that I was doing everything right (I was). In my mind you have 18 years to parent and then once they fly the coop, you need to transition to being their friend and supporting their choices.

“Unless they need it” is key here. I have 3 kids in college and beyond. I was able to stop parenting 2 of them when they got to college. They come to me when they need help or guidance. Otherwise, they are very responsible, self-sufficient, and independent people.

And then there’s their sister. With her, the most difficult parenting years have been the college years. This caught me off guard. She is a very good person, but she has very little regard for her own safety and health. It is terrifying. I have to step in and parent her more than I should have to at this point. Yes, it strains our relationship, and that scares me. But I won’t sit back and watch her put herself in danger repeatedly.

She was raised in the same house, by the same parents as the other two. She learned all the same lessons and saw the same examples being set. You just have to realize that kids are not programmable. They are their own beings. You might take all the advice on this board and send your child to college thinking your job of hands-on parenting is done…only to find out that the hardest part is just beginning, but the rules have changed because they are no longer minors.

Not trying to be an alarmist or a downer. It is just important to know that it is not always as simple as some of these posters make it sound. It is all good advice under the right circumstances. But just know that for every person posting, there are several others reading it and thinking. “Yeah, that did not work for me. It backfired.”


Hang in there, PP. It sounds like you are parenting in a way that is best for the individual child. The goal isn't that they become your best friend, right? It is that they become responsible, independent adults with kind hearts. Some adult kids don't need coddling and non-judgmental friendship. Some actually need parental boundaries and ... judgment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stopped parenting them once they hit college (unless they need it). I had one parent who still tried to parent me until I was in my 30s and I think it affected our relationship. My other parent was fun and just tried to be my friend. Other parent trusted that I was doing everything right (I was). In my mind you have 18 years to parent and then once they fly the coop, you need to transition to being their friend and supporting their choices.

“Unless they need it” is key here. I have 3 kids in college and beyond. I was able to stop parenting 2 of them when they got to college. They come to me when they need help or guidance. Otherwise, they are very responsible, self-sufficient, and independent people.

And then there’s their sister. With her, the most difficult parenting years have been the college years. This caught me off guard. She is a very good person, but she has very little regard for her own safety and health. It is terrifying. I have to step in and parent her more than I should have to at this point. Yes, it strains our relationship, and that scares me. But I won’t sit back and watch her put herself in danger repeatedly.

She was raised in the same house, by the same parents as the other two. She learned all the same lessons and saw the same examples being set. You just have to realize that kids are not programmable. They are their own beings. You might take all the advice on this board and send your child to college thinking your job of hands-on parenting is done…only to find out that the hardest part is just beginning, but the rules have changed because they are no longer minors.

Not trying to be an alarmist or a downer. It is just important to know that it is not always as simple as some of these posters make it sound. It is all good advice under the right circumstances. But just know that for every person posting, there are several others reading it and thinking. “Yeah, that did not work for me. It backfired.”


Hang in there, PP. It sounds like you are parenting in a way that is best for the individual child. The goal isn't that they become your best friend, right? It is that they become responsible, independent adults with kind hearts. Some adult kids don't need coddling and non-judgmental friendship. Some actually need parental boundaries and ... judgment.

Anonymous wrote:knowing that the different phases eventually go away and around 22-23 they become wonderful people and the relationship changes drastically.

Supporting their decisions and letting them make them starting with where they might want to go to school and it is ok if they go to the 345th ranked school and become an assistant pre-school teacher working part time and walking dogs part time.

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t smother him. He isn’t me and he’s fine with B grades so I let him get Bs. He saw how hard I work and I taught him gratitude from a young age. I’m a single mom and he’s now a grateful, hardworking young man.

Anonymous wrote:Two things come to mind, from a mid-30s mom who has a tough relationship with her own mother:

First, have your own interests outside of your kids. My mother left the workforce when I (only child) was born and never returned. She has very few friends and no real hobbies. When she calls, I resent it, because she doesn't have anything of her own to talk about and expects me to entertain her. It feels more like a demand to put on a performance than a genuine attempt to connect.

Second, treat your kids with a baseline level of respect. Growing up, my mom afforded me no privacy whatsoever. She would barge into my room without knocking and read my diary. When I confided in her (low stakes things like telling her about a boy I liked or that I wanted to start shaving my legs), she would tell my dad, even though she promised not to. As a young adult, I would occasionally have mail sent to their home and she would open and read it.

Anonymous wrote:I was reactionary when she was small. When she was 8 or so, I saw that was damaging to her, to me, and to our relationship. I apologized sincerely, told her I wouldn’t do that anymore, and changed my behavior. It took a couple of years before she really trusted me, but she does now.

Anonymous wrote:I was reactionary when she was small. When she was 8 or so, I saw that was damaging to her, to me, and to our relationship. I apologized sincerely, told her I wouldn’t do that anymore, and changed my behavior. It took a couple of years before she really trusted me, but she does now.

Anonymous wrote:Stopped parenting them once they hit college (unless they need it). I had one parent who still tried to parent me until I was in my 30s and I think it affected our relationship. My other parent was fun and just tried to be my friend. Other parent trusted that I was doing everything right (I was). In my mind you have 18 years to parent and then once they fly the coop, you need to transition to being their friend and supporting their choices.

Anonymous wrote:Offering truly non-judgmental, unconditional love is so important. And wanting to know them for who they are, not who we want them to be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well equipped for and willing to do some babysitting. Listen but offer no advice unless asked.

It seems people want parents to quietly and unconditionally give and give and have no opinions or needs of themselves.

Np. Isn't that the definition of parenting? Help and money roll downhill.

Anonymous wrote:I think being non judgemental and non reactionary are the most important, as well as respecting who your kid is, even if they are different from you. My mom did the opposite of all those, and as a result, we've never been close.