Reply to Do some parents just have bad luck in the kid department?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH and I were "golden" children who went to the best schools, made money, became famous in our respective fields. Our first child is off the charts brilliant but ASD, aggressive and has numerous health problems. His childhood has been something that most DCUM parents (and I say "most" because *thank you* SN forum and there is a huge spectrum on this board) have never dreamed of. I make my living being clever and an out of the box thinker but nothing has compared to trying to help DS.  He will always lead a different life. And DH and I have a second child who is not such an outlier but as we have "parenting on hard mode" (shall I say expert mode, honestly?) it is a challenge to balance it all and be human.

I have lots of first-world problems in my professional life, but I have been reading DCUM for 10+ years. I simply and more and more amazed and how lucky people are with their children.  May you never need to visit a psychiatric hospital for your elementary school aged child. And may you never judge me for having to have had to do so. May you never have to worry that your child who weights 35 lbs could hurt someone and fear sending them to school.

It's been a hard road, but I'm delighted to be the Ivy professor who gives your child the guidance to make it to the next level.  It's what's keeping me sane in my own personal fate, which, cruel as it seems often, is nothing like that of parents watching their children die of cancer. There are no guarantees on this Earth.

And to those of you who are still quick to judge in middle age, all I can say is that probably haven't learned much. I hope you have spent the spare time the world has given you without life sh*tting on you on some pretty seriously good work for the world.  Tell us about eradicating Polio or a poem you wrote that kept a political prisoner alive or a nursing home population that finds new meaning. Or a rainforest you are saving or documenting or both.  Because otherwise please do not talk to me unless it is to offer to take DS for care for a week.  (I am fine if you are just chilling, or life has dealt you shitty cards, but if you are judging me, come prepared to play on karma and metaphysics front or stay home.) I'm still trying to cure cancer, but some weeks it is hard with a child who threatens to kill you when asked to do his homework.

Thanks OP for this topic.[/quote]

Op here. The friends I was thinking of when I posted are brilliant and successful in every way possible except parenting. I’m not judging them. I sympathize as I watch my friend struggle. The friend is kind and one of the smartest people I have ever encountered. All three of her children are difficult. I spend a lot of time with this family and the kids are always fighting, not in a normal way but look like they want to kill one another.[/quote]

OP, I say this kindly, but the reality is DS was the way he is now as a newborn.  I would love to know how we could have parented better.  I am not a great parent, but DH was there *every* moment, with saintly patience. DS had a nanny who took him to the Waldorf school to learn crafts.  I got home every day at 5 pm, fed him the perfect diet of organic vegetable purees. We were affectionate and spent long weekends together.  We read him books for hours.  Loving and affectionate grandparents doted on him but also taught him and created structure. I researched the best nursery schools and sent him to a school that is the best in my city and has churned out top students but kindly ones for 50+ years and has great play-based education balanced with academics.

Could you let me know what parenting skills we missed?  When at age 2 my son was slow to speak, we engaged with top psychologists.  I have read tens of books on all sorts of topics  - emotional regulation , gifted children.  Yes, of course, I am sure I was missing something that would have helped DS be the great human he was destined to be except for my parenting failures.  I'm desperate to hear from you -- what did I do wrong?[/quote]

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