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[quote=Anonymous]OP, first, I am so, so sorry. This is incredibly hard. I am physician. I am also someone who got sober at 20, nearly 20 years ago.

Second, this thread is an excellent example of why shame fundamentally adds to the inability of the the person with Alcholism, AuD or a drinking problem to get help. A lot of people view this as a character weakness. Even here, nearly all of the posts where like "'eff him, he's a drunk, loser who should die." Welp, he probably thinks the same thing and is struggling with trying to decide whether or not to hurt himself.

Most people are miserable with this problem. They just box themselves in and it is easier to blip out of go back to the pay-day loan of ease and comfort than to do the hard thing and face that their lives are utterly wrecked and need to be rebuilt brick-by-brick.

Third, people in the throes of an issue with alcohol are literally ill. Mentally ill. Delusional. Full stop. Their brains are literally not functioning correcting and they have an utter inability to manage their way through this, though they might and believe they are because...they are delusional. It is almost like dementia -- you can try as hard to remember, but if your brain isn't working, you're not going to be able to accomplish this.

Fourth, families of people who have illnesses suffer. Again, full stop. Here, it is complicated because this disease is viewed more as a personal failing (hence the shame) than a reality -- this person is sick and needs help and is in denial. And the family is indeed suffering because this person is literally drunk and delusional and people are trying to reason with someone who lacks reason.

Considering the last point, OP. You need to decide if you care enough to view it through this lens or if you just want to cut and run (which is fine!). Regardless, this has impacted you and you need to take steps to take care of your own mental health and a lot of that is processing what is going on here and moving accordingly.

1. He's sick. With a serious, life ending illness. 
2. It's an illness where there is a massive amount of shame because it is something that is deemed a weakness of his character than just a fatal disease.
3. He's in denial of said problem.
4. The problem is impacting your life, your collective children's and his.

Considering these points, yes, Al-Anon is incredibly helpful. But I strongly, strongly recommend personal therapy for you. But also considering medical interventions. He needs a physical with blood work. There are also medical interventions than help if he's willing. The shot Vivatrol once a month. I have even seen success with GLP-1s in basically curing AuD. But these won't help the underlying emotional work he needs to do if he can be brave enough to walk through his shame to get treatment.

But the hard thing is you can't do anything but accept where things are. This is out of your control which is why you feel so frustrated he won't just "snap out of it."  He won't because he's delusional. He's not gaslighting you. If he is in the throes of addiction, he is literally is splitting his reality. I don't know if that's helpful.

I will say there are literally millions of people who go into recovery. Many people do it quietly because there is so much judgment. I don't talk about my sobriety. I am just a mom with three kids, a husband, house, dog, job, etc. But yes, I don't drink or do drugs. But I also try to model non-judgment around substance abuse because I know one other thing.

It's genetic. My kids may have this. And they need to know that if they fall into the disease and find themselves underwater, there is a way out, no judgment. Consequences, of course (lord, I had some), but no shame. [/quote]

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