Reply to I don’t know how to talk to my husband about foreplay

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?[/quote]

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.[/quote]
Seriously. Wait till menopause starts, it can become excruciating for some women. [/quote]

Not for the women here. They are perfect they are always supposedly ready for sex 40, 60 76 doesn't matter. The men are the problem not them![/quote]

Ummm this is a thread about a man who is objectively very bad in bed …[/quote]

…whose performance was consistently rewarded and reinforced for for years with daily (!) sex but is now confronted with the expectation is that he will accept that he was actually bad for all those years and needs to change to do stuff he never has before to earn it for the once a month that it actually happens.

I am shocked that it isn’t going well.[/quote]

Yeah.  I think this is what makes it so hard.

People are saying that they were more easily excited when they were younger, and I think that’s true.  But for me, I was also just more eager to please when I was younger.  
I wanted him to have a good experience, and part of that is him feeling proficient in bed.  I was relatively inexperienced and had no idea what I actually liked, so I tried to like whatever it is that he was doing.  After all, we had our whole lives to get to know each other’s bodies and figure all of this out.

But eventually sex became about making babies, and then about briefly connecting before we fall asleep exhausted.  Fast forward 15 years, and I realized that I had never really figured out what I like, and we hadn’t gotten to know each other’s bodies like I thought we would.  Sex had become kind of a watered down version of the thing I only kind of liked in the first place.

It was hard to address.

For me, addressing our sex life was part of a broader change that I was making to be more assertive in meeting my needs in a lot of areas of my life.  My career had really taken a hit because I was spending a lot of time helping out other people and almost never asked for help myself.  Meanwhile, I was managing everything at home and with the kids, even when DH could have done some of it or they were old enough to do things themselves.

My only advice is to start small, to realize that this is a process that is going to involve multiple conversations, and to recognize that a big part of this dynamic is you.  That goes for everything from getting your husband to be more attentive in bed to getting your kids to take on more household chores to declining work tasks that aren’t in line with your career goals.

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