Different strokes for different folks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t quite like this but does sometimes forget that I have to go first or it doesn’t happen. If I can tell he his moving on to the “him” part too soon, I will literally take his hand and put it where it goes. I wish he would remember this on his own, and he does sometimes but not always.

Every single time you have to go first? That does not seem fair.

PP here. I don’t need to go first like a toddler. I have just learned that if I don’t insist on going first, he is useless once he finishes. So it’s first or not at all. I’d be happy to go second if it worked out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, he never leaves the house, gets hard once in a blue moon and doesn't want to waste a good hard on foreplay, you have told him before. He is on spectrum. You are asking a fish to climb a tree.
I have slept with three men on Spectrum that I can recall. All horrific. Hard time getting up and zero interest in foreplay. They just know that the coming part is good.
I bet they are the fastest group to go for the blue bill.

I have to disagree with your assessment, having been with my partner on the spectrum for 20+ years and it is always been about making sure my pleasure is included. If anything, he’s too eager.

+1. My ex on the spectrum had big issues but sex was not one of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly he’s always been this way, why is it an issue now when it’s never been before?

This is the trouble with marrying a human and not a robot. At 50, I need a much longer lead and warmup time than I did 30 years ago. What OP describes could have been tolerable then but is an absolute no now.

OP, it doesn’t matter if he’s ready to go, if you are not. If he complains, you say; I have told you multiple times what I need.

Seriously. Wait till menopause starts, it can become excruciating for some women.

Not for the women here. They are perfect they are always supposedly ready for sex 40, 60 76 doesn't matter. The men are the problem not them!

Ummm this is a thread about a man who is objectively very bad in bed …

…whose performance was consistently rewarded and reinforced for for years with daily (!) sex but is now confronted with the expectation is that he will accept that he was actually bad for all those years and needs to change to do stuff he never has before to earn it for the once a month that it actually happens.

I am shocked that it isn’t going well.

Yeah. I think this is what makes it so hard.

People are saying that they were more easily excited when they were younger, and I think that’s true. But for me, I was also just more eager to please when I was younger.
I wanted him to have a good experience, and part of that is him feeling proficient in bed. I was relatively inexperienced and had no idea what I actually liked, so I tried to like whatever it is that he was doing. After all, we had our whole lives to get to know each other’s bodies and figure all of this out.

But eventually sex became about making babies, and then about briefly connecting before we fall asleep exhausted. Fast forward 15 years, and I realized that I had never really figured out what I like, and we hadn’t gotten to know each other’s bodies like I thought we would. Sex had become kind of a watered down version of the thing I only kind of liked in the first place.

It was hard to address.

For me, addressing our sex life was part of a broader change that I was making to be more assertive in meeting my needs in a lot of areas of my life. My career had really taken a hit because I was spending a lot of time helping out other people and almost never asked for help myself. Meanwhile, I was managing everything at home and with the kids, even when DH could have done some of it or they were old enough to do things themselves.

My only advice is to start small, to realize that this is a process that is going to involve multiple conversations, and to recognize that a big part of this dynamic is you. That goes for everything from getting your husband to be more attentive in bed to getting your kids to take on more household chores to declining work tasks that aren’t in line with your career goals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t quite like this but does sometimes forget that I have to go first or it doesn’t happen. If I can tell he his moving on to the “him” part too soon, I will literally take his hand and put it where it goes. I wish he would remember this on his own, and he does sometimes but not always.

Every single time you have to go first? That does not seem fair.

NP. Have you never had sex before? You dont understand how it works?

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t quite like this but does sometimes forget that I have to go first or it doesn’t happen. If I can tell he his moving on to the “him” part too soon, I will literally take his hand and put it where it goes. I wish he would remember this on his own, and he does sometimes but not always.

Every single time you have to go first? That does not seem fair.

My husband isn’t quite like this but does sometimes forget that I have to go first or it doesn’t happen. If I can tell he his moving on to the “him” part too soon, I will literally take his hand and put it where it goes. I wish he would remember this on his own, and he does sometimes but not always.

He sounds like a total jerk. Stop sleeping with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick question. When women say they want more sex, do they mean they want more PIV or are they open to say sessions without PIV? Women can fake sex when they are not horny to please their partners much easier than men. It's very hard for a man to fake it because if he really isn't in the mood erections are much harder to achieve. And for this reason he can make excuses not to have sex. But then you guys take it as a rejection. You can fake it so you don't have to reject us. We can't.

Now if you mean all form of sex not just PIV then we can equally fake it to please you as long as you are not hurt that put lack of erection means we are not into it.

Then the question becomes how many women will be okay with a man lack of erection during a sex act and not making it about her?!

Plenty of men with ED make their livers feel utterly adored. PIV and boners are the end all be all. Also there’s babeland.com if we need gadgets.

Omg. Lovers not livers 😂

My lover ADORES my liver.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lube up. Story of our marriage. They don't change.

OP here. Honestly, this may be the best advice. However, I feel like that pleases him still and not me. I want to be touched. I want to be turned on. Just lubing up turns him on and not me. I still want sex, very often, but I want my thighs stroked too, kissed, etc.

I respect all that, you are going to get better milage on your needs if you make sure you are on top and control the pace. Go really slow. Change it up mid-stream and move up and sit on his face. Take his hands and put them where you want them. You've got to do it in the moment.

But lube up, too, because that sh!t feels good.

Anonymous wrote:So, he never leaves the house, gets hard once in a blue moon and doesn't want to waste a good hard on foreplay, you have told him before. He is on spectrum. You are asking a fish to climb a tree.
I have slept with three men on Spectrum that I can recall. All horrific. Hard time getting up and zero interest in foreplay. They just know that the coming part is good.
I bet they are the fastest group to go for the blue bill.

I have to disagree with your assessment, having been with my partner on the spectrum for 20+ years and it is always been about making sure my pleasure is included. If anything, he’s too eager.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our relationship it’s opposite. I’m DW and generally ready to go, dont want much foreplay. DH needs touch just generally. I have to make a point cuddle, kiss, hug ect because I do care about his needs. You should try to be physical with him more (in a non sexual way) and talk about it more

This is also me. I am more "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" meanwhile my partner loves a lot of constant contact, cuddling together and touching almost constantly. However, I would be extremely turned off if a man just expected me to instantly spread my legs at the drop of a hat with ZERO effort put into setting the mood. I dont need elaborate foreplay whatsoever, but it sounds like OP's DH does absolutely nothing and still expects sex on demand... that's a turn off based on the entitlement alone.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting some wham Bam thank you ma’am, but it sounds like these husbands every single time pound their wives for their own pleasure with no regard to pain or pleasure. Wanting sex quick and fast doesn’t mean you don’t allow for pleasure for your partner. We used to make fun of men like this in college calling them jackhammers, and warn our friends at all costs!

ITA. I am very quick to get turned on and can get myself off by riding my partner for a couple of minutes- I'm about as quick as a woman can be. But I think how these guys approach sex is very different and degrading. Like even if I get off quickly, I am still wanting very much for my partner to get off as well, and wouldnt be able to enjoy sex if he didnt (obviously once in a while is fine if someone cant, but every time is crazy). Additionally I would *never* want to have sex with my man that was physically painful for him. I really think that sure, while some of us dont require a ton of foreplay or prolonged time in bed, prioritizing your partner's feelings is the main issue here. My partner loves cuddling and loves the emotional side of sex so we have sex for a lot longer than I need because he prefers it that way. And he prioritizes the positions that feel good for me and avoids certain positions that hurt. That's the basics of good sex and anyone who is not extending that courtesy to their partner, regardless of their own speed preferences and sexual style, doesn't deserve to get laid tbh.

So, he never leaves the house, gets hard once in a blue moon and doesn't want to waste a good hard on foreplay, you have told him before. He is on spectrum. You are asking a fish to climb a tree.
I have slept with three men on Spectrum that I can recall. All horrific. Hard time getting up and zero interest in foreplay. They just know that the coming part is good.
I bet they are the fastest group to go for the blue bill.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick question. When women say they want more sex, do they mean they want more PIV or are they open to say sessions without PIV? Women can fake sex when they are not horny to please their partners much easier than men. It's very hard for a man to fake it because if he really isn't in the mood erections are much harder to achieve. And for this reason he can make excuses not to have sex. But then you guys take it as a rejection. You can fake it so you don't have to reject us. We can't.

Now if you mean all form of sex not just PIV then we can equally fake it to please you as long as you are not hurt that put lack of erection means we are not into it.

Then the question becomes how many women will be okay with a man lack of erection during a sex act and not making it about her?!

Plenty of men with ED make their livers feel utterly adored. PIV and boners are the end all be all. Also there’s babeland.com if we need gadgets.

Omg. Lovers not livers 😂

🤣🤣🤣

Who knew that a well-loved liver was the key to a good sex life?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our relationship it’s opposite. I’m DW and generally ready to go, dont want much foreplay. DH needs touch just generally. I have to make a point cuddle, kiss, hug ect because I do care about his needs. You should try to be physical with him more (in a non sexual way) and talk about it more

This is also me. I am more "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" meanwhile my partner loves a lot of constant contact, cuddling together and touching almost constantly. However, I would be extremely turned off if a man just expected me to instantly spread my legs at the drop of a hat with ZERO effort put into setting the mood. I dont need elaborate foreplay whatsoever, but it sounds like OP's DH does absolutely nothing and still expects sex on demand... that's a turn off based on the entitlement alone.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting some wham Bam thank you ma’am, but it sounds like these husbands every single time pound their wives for their own pleasure with no regard to pain or pleasure. Wanting sex quick and fast doesn’t mean you don’t allow for pleasure for your partner. We used to make fun of men like this in college calling them jackhammers, and warn our friends at all costs!