Reply to How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The reality is, I know of many more adult children struggling and living at home - some graduated college and some did not, some worked for a bit and then just checked out.  [b]Most do not have jobs that pay enough to be self supporting if they are working at all.[/b] Many are not able to hold down jobs because of executive functioning issues, anxiety, depression or all three.   Truth is, I know of way more kids in this category then of Ivy undergrads living big independent lives and making the big bucks described on here constantly.    I'm not putting down the kids doing well - of course they exist and we hear all about that.  I'm just saying OPs scenario is more common than many may realize.[/quote]

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In hindsight I am fortunate. My father hated his twin sons, and especially me who he deemed a loser. If he could have gotten rid of his sons without accountability, he would have. He was abusive, mean, and kept us in poverty. Thankfully he abandoned us. My mother reacted to this by becoming a severe addict. She never learned to adult, leaving us homeless and she lived with my grandmother. My brother and I were on our own since 18. National level athletes, survived on athletic scholarship.  Went to excellent graduate schools and we have done very well financially, beyond belief really. My brother, the much preferred twin, died this summer. Lots of guilt. The sad truth is that my brother and I were intensely competitive and completely unsparing, far more than our peers in every endeavor. No fear, no excuses. Mental toughness is all that counted. I used to envy the kids from nice homes and with good food to eat but see all too often their lives are intensely controlled. Admittedly my brother and I were never happy but survival rather than happiness is what mattered. The truth is that I had kind upper middle class parents i likely would have wandered around the athletic life as delaying adolescence would have been appealing. The irony of being the loser worthless twin being the survivor wears on me. My guess is that the therapist posting here would describe our experiences as a reaction to trauma. My kids have launched (Princeton grads) but I wonder the impact this has all had. [/quote]

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