Anonymous
Post 01/10/2025 19:09     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'll repost something I commented on the other failure to launch thread:

I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid (this is called "splitting" by clinicians, and I see a lot of this black-and-white thinking on DCUM). On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in).

One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

I only read your first two paragraphs but this is exactly what is wrong with our society. You are blaming the parents, again. What a shitty therapist you are. Enabling those that are almost 40, by blaming their parents. Is there any personal accountability any more?


Therapist PP here. Two things:

1. I always tell my clients that "it's not your fault that you ended up with a Cluster B personality disorder, but it is your responsibility to resolve it." I am very careful to entirely place agency on my clients to resolve their issues.

2. The fact that you're cursing me out and becoming so angry at me over a post where you didn't even read the entire comment is, well, in clinical terms, a failure to effectively sublimate anger (which is common of many Axis 2 disorders).

Is it really any surprise that parents who are unwilling (and, in most cases, resent) admitting their fault in raising adult children with failure to launch issues end up with kids who similarly are unwilling and resentful of taking responsibility for their actions? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree here. I suspect, PP, that my post resonated too closely to your situation (maybe you have adult children of your own who are failure to launch, or maybe one of your siblings is a FTL case, or a close family friend...) and the intense anger and rage you're seething with over an anonymous poster whose comment you couldn't even be bothered to fully read is indicative of a sense of internal shame you've absorbed.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2025 18:36     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'll repost something I commented on the other failure to launch thread:

I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid (this is called "splitting" by clinicians, and I see a lot of this black-and-white thinking on DCUM). On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in).

One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

I only read your first two paragraphs but this is exactly what is wrong with our society. You are blaming the parents, again. What a shitty therapist you are. Enabling those that are almost 40, by blaming their parents. Is there any personal accountability any more?


I agree. Most therapists are useless and solve no problems but place blame on parents. All this BS about asking parents what the traits of their kids are and parents not being able to define is absolute nonsense. People are accountable for their actions once they are adults.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2025 20:26     Subject: Re:How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The reality is, I know of many more adult children struggling and living at home - some graduated college and some did not, some worked for a bit and then just checked out. Most do not have jobs that pay enough to be self supporting if they are working at all. Many are not able to hold down jobs because of executive functioning issues, anxiety, depression or all three. Truth is, I know of way more kids in this category then of Ivy undergrads living big independent lives and making the big bucks described on here constantly. I'm not putting down the kids doing well - of course they exist and we hear all about that. I'm just saying OPs scenario is more common than many may realize.


+10000


In hindsight I am fortunate. My father hated his twin sons, and especially me who he deemed a loser. If he could have gotten rid of his sons without accountability, he would have. He was abusive, mean, and kept us in poverty. Thankfully he abandoned us. My mother reacted to this by becoming a severe addict. She never learned to adult, leaving us homeless and she lived with my grandmother. My brother and I were on our own since 18. National level athletes, survived on athletic scholarship. Went to excellent graduate schools and we have done very well financially, beyond belief really. My brother, the much preferred twin, died this summer. Lots of guilt. The sad truth is that my brother and I were intensely competitive and completely unsparing, far more than our peers in every endeavor. No fear, no excuses. Mental toughness is all that counted. I used to envy the kids from nice homes and with good food to eat but see all too often their lives are intensely controlled. Admittedly my brother and I were never happy but survival rather than happiness is what mattered. The truth is that I had kind upper middle class parents i likely would have wandered around the athletic life as delaying adolescence would have been appealing. The irony of being the loser worthless twin being the survivor wears on me. My guess is that the therapist posting here would describe our experiences as a reaction to trauma. My kids have launched (Princeton grads) but I wonder the impact this has all had.
Anonymous
Post 01/05/2025 10:24     Subject: Re:How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:The reality is, I know of many more adult children struggling and living at home - some graduated college and some did not, some worked for a bit and then just checked out. Most do not have jobs that pay enough to be self supporting if they are working at all. Many are not able to hold down jobs because of executive functioning issues, anxiety, depression or all three. Truth is, I know of way more kids in this category then of Ivy undergrads living big independent lives and making the big bucks described on here constantly. I'm not putting down the kids doing well - of course they exist and we hear all about that. I'm just saying OPs scenario is more common than many may realize.


+10000
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2024 08:40     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:I'll repost something I commented on the other failure to launch thread:

I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid (this is called "splitting" by clinicians, and I see a lot of this black-and-white thinking on DCUM). On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in).

One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.

I only read your first two paragraphs but this is exactly what is wrong with our society. You are blaming the parents, again. What a shitty therapist you are. Enabling those that are almost 40, by blaming their parents. Is there any personal accountability any more?
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2024 08:37     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
You are infinitely worse than her and her adult children. You are a horrific narcissist. There is no other explanation for your post.

You are not her friend, she is your narc supply.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2024 08:33     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:A woman can change it. Seriously. I’ve heard of FTL guys who suddenly get their act together and get a job because a new love interest/girlfriend is who they want to pursue


On the surface, my brother appears to be one of these. In reality, his girlfriend is straight up parenting him. She fights with him to get to work every morning, she takes over his paycheck so he doesn’t spent it and they can have rent money, you get the picture. Unless you knew the situation more closely, you wouldn’t see it.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2024 08:10     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:You set a rule, 6 weeks to find a job and then either out or pay rent


If only it were that simple . . .
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2024 04:39     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
You set a rule, 6 weeks to find a job and then either out or pay rent
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2024 04:18     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
A woman can change it. Seriously. I’ve heard of FTL guys who suddenly get their act together and get a job because a new love interest/girlfriend is who they want to pursue
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2024 15:10     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'll repost something I commented on the other failure to launch thread:

I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid (this is called "splitting" by clinicians, and I see a lot of this black-and-white thinking on DCUM). On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in).

One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.


this is very insightful, thank you. I definitely see some tendencies of this in myself. I also see that the mother-father dynamic OP sees can contribute to it: a father who isn’t “all there” in raising the kids (possibly a bit abusive) and a mom who overcompensates with the helicoptering.

My question for you though is - isn’t it true that some kids just are harder and do have mental illnesses? so it’s not necessarily these parents’ exclusive fault. They may have done fine with a less sensitive kid.


PP here. Yes, some kids are more temperamentally sensitive than others. Parents are not all to blame, and a common scenario I see in my therapy practice is that my client (innately sensitive with heightened emotional reactions to everything) feels a lot of shame that their siblings are more successful than them (because they're less sensitive and responded better to this sort of intensive parenting).

But it's up to the parents to be emotionally attuned to their kids and recognize their own personalities and temperaments. Again, this goes back to the process of metallization -- are the parents emotionally tuned in to their kids enough to "mentalize" (aka distinguish) between them? Are they able to recognize that one kid is more temperamentally sensitive than the other, or have they been so busy using their kids as extensions of their own egos/images of success that they're not even able to recognize basic personality differences between their kids? Sadly, I see a lot of the latter in my practice.

When all you value your kids for is for their "deliverables" (how successful they are in school/sports) and reduce them to a set of numbers, as is often the case in wealthy areas, you lose sight of whatever emotional connection you had to your kids.


NP, thank you. I wonder if there is anything you might consider reading. I’m home visiting my parents and things are particularly tense with my sibling with still lives with my parents at a much older age than anything posted.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2024 06:42     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:I'll repost something I commented on the other failure to launch thread:

I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid (this is called "splitting" by clinicians, and I see a lot of this black-and-white thinking on DCUM). On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in).

One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.


This is fascinating and I feel seem.

I wasn’t failure to launch but instead the opposite. However I’ve really struggled as an adult and I think it comes down to this. My mother smothered me and was extremely controlling and I wasn’t allowed to develop a sense of self. She wanted to control all my interests and even thoughts, and any friendships were limited unless she could control them and also knew the parents. I entered my 20s lost.

I didn’t realize any of this until I had my own children and now it stings how I was treated. It’s like my mother had absolutely NO respect for me as a person.

I have a million examples but here is one. During high school I was forced to be a member of my church choir which involved weekly practices and out of state trips every summer. By the time I was a junior or senior I expressed extreme dislike of the choir, but was not allowed to drop out. This was despite me having other activities I wanted to focus on. My mother didn’t care - I would be in the choir. Spring senior year the choir had tryouts for solos. I explained to my mom I didn’t want to try out as I can’t sing well and I have no interest. She didn’t care. She forcibly drove me to the church for the tryouts. I was polite but explained the situation to the choir director - that I did not want a solo and my mother forced me to attend tryouts.

My childhood was filled with countless examples like the above. In isolation not a huge deal but in combination ended up causing me to leave for college without a sense of self.

I hadn’t been able to date, form and maintain my own friendships, and pick and choose my activities and interests. Even my political views were managed and any different option was viewed by my mom as a direct threat.

What’s interesting is I’m practically an indifferent parent. I don’t think micromanaging your children is helpful and I do not care about the things my parents cared about.
Anonymous
Post 12/22/2024 23:15     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
New Op. Radically different take. Mom married the failure to launch son. Basically this is female version of pedophilia.

Note in original post - Dad checked out. Mom captured - used - the son as her emotional partner.

Read book: when he’s married to mom.
Anonymous
Post 12/22/2024 22:53     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:I'll repost something I commented on the other failure to launch thread:

I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid (this is called "splitting" by clinicians, and I see a lot of this black-and-white thinking on DCUM). On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in).

One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.


Thank you for this. When you say that most of your clients are NPD or BPD, are you referring to the kids or the parents? And how does this affect treatment? (What is the treatment - assuming none of the major psych disorders like schizophrenia.)

The dynamic you described is what is going on in the house of my sibling - but it is hard for me to think of any of them in these terms. The parents are Type A, pull yourself by your bootstraps, very successful (7-figure income). The father is emotionally insensitive, very concerned with $ and spent the kid’s childhood alternating between being gone and yelling in frustration at the kid. The mom has high expectations, micro-manages and is overly concerned with academic success. The kid is extremely bright, was adhd/ disorganized but very sensitive and has a big heart. I don’t see NPD or BPD in any of them
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2024 00:52     Subject: How to raise two “failure to launch” adult children?
Anonymous wrote:I'll repost something I commented on the other failure to launch thread:

I am a therapist who specializes in "failure to launch" young adults. Most of the clients on my caseload have a Cluster B personality disorder (either BPD or NPD), or become very close to meeting diagnostic criteria for one of them. One of the key components to raising a failure to launch young adult is that they have very little sense of self and self-direction because their own desires, emotions, and wants have been railroaded by their parents during their childhood and adolescence.

A very common scenario in my therapy practice (in an UMC neighborhood not unsimilar to, say, Mclean or Bethesda in the DMV) is that the parents pushed their (temperamentally sensitive) kid to elite private schools or public schools in competitive, wealthy school districts so that their kid attends a T20 college. The innately sensitive kid is then pushed to a high-paying career path such as tech, medicine, or finance, and when they can't hack it, they move back home as a 22 year old (or a 26, or sometimes 30 year old), and the failure to launch spiral begins.

The parents usually alternate between intense pride and shame for their kid (this is called "splitting" by clinicians, and I see a lot of this black-and-white thinking on DCUM). On one hand, they are filled with intense pride that their kid is an elite college grad and feel as if it reflects on them as parents. OTOH, the parents have intense shame for their kid because he/she failed to live up to the high expectations that they placed on their kid.

But wait, you might be wondering, why weren't these parents able to pick up on the fact that their kids are characterologically more sensitive and thus not well-suited for a path of Harvard and then McKinsey? These parents are unable to notice their kid's sensitive nature because they lack emotional attunement (which, to be fair, many first-gen UMC people who had to "pull themselves by their bootstraps" are deficient in).

One of the first things I do as a therapist is to ask my clients to describe themselves, and ask my client's parents to describe their kid. Oftentimes I'll notice that both the failure to launch young adult and the parents are unable to provide an accurate, fully-fleshed out description of their kid to me because all parties lack the ability to "mentalize" -- in other words, be attuned to the emotional states of themselves and others.

It's actually quite sad when I ask parents to describe their adult child to me, and they'll say some version of "Oh, you know, she's smart and hard working." I'll ask if there are any other traits, and they'll just give me a blank stare. The parents are unable to mentalize any other personality traits besides "smart and conscientious."

And I really feel for these parents. It's difficult being in this situation. But I think even the most loyal and well-adjusted of children would admit that they would rather be understood than be loved but misunderstood.


This more or less describes my husband's former best friend. We think there's some serious undiagnosed mental health issue at play.