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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

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OP here. We see them weekly, not just for holidays. And we are expected to have dinner with them regularly (i do sit some of those out). That’s why it feels suffocating.  [/quote]

NP. No solution here but just want to say I’m in this situation too. 15 years now and half of those with kids. I am so DONE. It really is a husband problem at the root of it, but it’s hard not to be annoyed at mil as she totally plays it too and I know my husbands sense of fear of disappointment stems from her and that she will never utter a word that encourages us to be independent from her. I’ve never heard her say “I hope you guys have a great time on that vacation”. It’s always about how much she will miss kids and we have to tell her everything. I know that sounds small and subtle but when it is constant you see the patterns of how it’s always about her needs, never just actually all about the other person.

Anyway, I am trying to get us to travel. Either this year or next. I am just so so sick of every week, every holiday, every celebration like Mother’s Day or whatever is her house, about her and my DH cannot say no. I am pretty angry at him about it but I know it’s because it just makes me so sad.[/quote]

OP here - yep, you get me. It's like her invisible tentacles are around us all the time. DH doesn't even enjoy spending time there but if we go ONE week without seeing her, he starts to stress because he knows she's upset.  After I had my second kid I asked Mother's Day to be at our house, and it caused a huge kerfuffle. Had to fight DH to get him to inform MIL, and she definitely let it be known that she was "hurt" over it. [/quote]

This is on you for tolerating this. Stand up to your baby of a husband. He sucks and you need to be stronger. [/quote]

I’m the PP. if OP is anything like me they are fighting because she is in fact standing up for it. The psychological holds are tight and deep. It’s not as easy as it is for dynamics where this is not an issue.

I get it op- I’m currently trying to learn more about mother son enmeshment to figure out what I can do not to enable it and still honor myself while also not getting caught up in the middle or too consumed with trying to “fix” it when I just can’t cause I’m not the one causing the issue.

I so get the tentacles. I think it is really important to try your best in daily life to create little routines, social gatherings etc with friends and kids friends etc… the first few years we didn’t focus on this and mil just filled up the space. Also during non holiday time trying to create fun trip experiences and then slowly introducing idea to DH of our own holiday traditions and interacting with other adults where this is totally normal. For DH what is normal is his mom “owning” all holidays, and with his mom’s guilt tripping he has never really grown out of this dynamic. [/quote]

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