You have a husband problem. I’ve never seen so many adults with children unable to stand up to their parents. Did his mother allow her mother in law to monopolize holidays? Then why are both of you allowing it?

DO NOT SEND him over with the kids. They deserve to be able to have down time during the holidays.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing Christmas there. You will really regret never having holidays at your own home or on vacation with your kids. Don’t let your in laws monopolize your holidays and force your kids to fit into their adult parties.

This is definitely a cultural shift. I think that most people over many decades would equate holidays to spending time with their families (all of their family), not just a little nuclear family going on vacation for Christmas. Not that you can't do this, but acknowledge that many people, especially in the older generations, would find this selfish and not in keeping with the meaning of Christmas.

I’m absolutely agree. But OP’s not talking about just Christmas, but every single holiday for years and years, in addition to seeing the in-laws frequently. That is the context.

OP - been there done that. Eventually moved to different city due to work and I appreciate the in-laws so much more, because I see them once a year, twice max. Before when we lived in DC it was similar to your situation due to my husband refusing to set boundaries. My in-laws were fine but the frequency was too much for me, and it became a persistent spouse issue when my husband refused to stand up for my request to have occasional holidays to ourselves.

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing Christmas there. You will really regret never having holidays at your own home or on vacation with your kids. Don’t let your in laws monopolize your holidays and force your kids to fit into their adult parties.

This is definitely a cultural shift. I think that most people over many decades would equate holidays to spending time with their families (all of their family), not just a little nuclear family going on vacation for Christmas. Not that you can't do this, but acknowledge that many people, especially in the older generations, would find this selfish and not in keeping with the meaning of Christmas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

OP here. We see them weekly, not just for holidays. And we are expected to have dinner with them regularly (i do sit some of those out). That’s why it feels suffocating.

NP. No solution here but just want to say I’m in this situation too. 15 years now and half of those with kids. I am so DONE. It really is a husband problem at the root of it, but it’s hard not to be annoyed at mil as she totally plays it too and I know my husbands sense of fear of disappointment stems from her and that she will never utter a word that encourages us to be independent from her. I’ve never heard her say “I hope you guys have a great time on that vacation”. It’s always about how much she will miss kids and we have to tell her everything. I know that sounds small and subtle but when it is constant you see the patterns of how it’s always about her needs, never just actually all about the other person.

Anyway, I am trying to get us to travel. Either this year or next. I am just so so sick of every week, every holiday, every celebration like Mother’s Day or whatever is her house, about her and my DH cannot say no. I am pretty angry at him about it but I know it’s because it just makes me so sad.

OP here - yep, you get me. It's like her invisible tentacles are around us all the time. DH doesn't even enjoy spending time there but if we go ONE week without seeing her, he starts to stress because he knows she's upset. After I had my second kid I asked Mother's Day to be at our house, and it caused a huge kerfuffle. Had to fight DH to get him to inform MIL, and she definitely let it be known that she was "hurt" over it.

This is on you for tolerating this. Stand up to your baby of a husband. He sucks and you need to be stronger.

I seriously don't know what else I can do. I DO stand up for myself. I tell him very directly that I'm sick of spending every holiday with the in-laws. I tell him what I want (either Thanksgiving or Christmas totally on our own). We fight over this and I don't just let it go. But I don't think it's something I can change as long as we live this close to his parents. I cannot force him to become a different person and care less about what his mother thinks.

It sounds like you make an attempt to stand up for yourself, and then you cave and go to your ILs anyway. So what you're teaching him is that you're not actually serious about it and he just has to let you wear yourself out talking and then you'll go. You have to stop going.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

OP here. We see them weekly, not just for holidays. And we are expected to have dinner with them regularly (i do sit some of those out). That’s why it feels suffocating.

NP. No solution here but just want to say I’m in this situation too. 15 years now and half of those with kids. I am so DONE. It really is a husband problem at the root of it, but it’s hard not to be annoyed at mil as she totally plays it too and I know my husbands sense of fear of disappointment stems from her and that she will never utter a word that encourages us to be independent from her. I’ve never heard her say “I hope you guys have a great time on that vacation”. It’s always about how much she will miss kids and we have to tell her everything. I know that sounds small and subtle but when it is constant you see the patterns of how it’s always about her needs, never just actually all about the other person.

Anyway, I am trying to get us to travel. Either this year or next. I am just so so sick of every week, every holiday, every celebration like Mother’s Day or whatever is her house, about her and my DH cannot say no. I am pretty angry at him about it but I know it’s because it just makes me so sad.

OP here - yep, you get me. It's like her invisible tentacles are around us all the time. DH doesn't even enjoy spending time there but if we go ONE week without seeing her, he starts to stress because he knows she's upset. After I had my second kid I asked Mother's Day to be at our house, and it caused a huge kerfuffle. Had to fight DH to get him to inform MIL, and she definitely let it be known that she was "hurt" over it.

This is on you for tolerating this. Stand up to your baby of a husband. He sucks and you need to be stronger.

I’m the PP. if OP is anything like me they are fighting because she is in fact standing up for it. The psychological holds are tight and deep. It’s not as easy as it is for dynamics where this is not an issue.

I get it op- I’m currently trying to learn more about mother son enmeshment to figure out what I can do not to enable it and still honor myself while also not getting caught up in the middle or too consumed with trying to “fix” it when I just can’t cause I’m not the one causing the issue.

I so get the tentacles. I think it is really important to try your best in daily life to create little routines, social gatherings etc with friends and kids friends etc… the first few years we didn’t focus on this and mil just filled up the space. Also during non holiday time trying to create fun trip experiences and then slowly introducing idea to DH of our own holiday traditions and interacting with other adults where this is totally normal. For DH what is normal is his mom “owning” all holidays, and with his mom’s guilt tripping he has never really grown out of this dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean DH would rather you have an unpleasant time than stand up to his parents. There's already conflict! It's between you and your DH. Stop protecting him from this reality.

Let him deal with managing the kids on his own and either his parents will be ok with bad behavior, or he'll see that this sucks without you to make it work.

Yes, there is frequent conflict with DH over the frequency with which we see them and spending every holiday with them. But I guess DH prefers to argue with me rather than have his mom be upset and disappointed at him.

Maybe break this down a little bit since to me the frequency with which you see them and spending every holiday with them can be tackled separately. If you are seeing them weekly I would absolutely draw the line and limit my visits to them to once a month. Your DH can go visit them weekly with the kids and give you some down time. Then I would create a holiday schedule like some of the other PPs have suggested, maybe just go for dessert on Thanksgiving, limit the time you spend at either the Christmas Eve or Christmas Day gathering and completely skip the other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

OP here. We see them weekly, not just for holidays. And we are expected to have dinner with them regularly (i do sit some of those out). That’s why it feels suffocating.

NP. No solution here but just want to say I’m in this situation too. 15 years now and half of those with kids. I am so DONE. It really is a husband problem at the root of it, but it’s hard not to be annoyed at mil as she totally plays it too and I know my husbands sense of fear of disappointment stems from her and that she will never utter a word that encourages us to be independent from her. I’ve never heard her say “I hope you guys have a great time on that vacation”. It’s always about how much she will miss kids and we have to tell her everything. I know that sounds small and subtle but when it is constant you see the patterns of how it’s always about her needs, never just actually all about the other person.

Anyway, I am trying to get us to travel. Either this year or next. I am just so so sick of every week, every holiday, every celebration like Mother’s Day or whatever is her house, about her and my DH cannot say no. I am pretty angry at him about it but I know it’s because it just makes me so sad.

OP here - yep, you get me. It's like her invisible tentacles are around us all the time. DH doesn't even enjoy spending time there but if we go ONE week without seeing her, he starts to stress because he knows she's upset. After I had my second kid I asked Mother's Day to be at our house, and it caused a huge kerfuffle. Had to fight DH to get him to inform MIL, and she definitely let it be known that she was "hurt" over it.

This is on you for tolerating this. Stand up to your baby of a husband. He sucks and you need to be stronger.

I seriously don't know what else I can do. I DO stand up for myself. I tell him very directly that I'm sick of spending every holiday with the in-laws. I tell him what I want (either Thanksgiving or Christmas totally on our own). We fight over this and I don't just let it go. But I don't think it's something I can change as long as we live this close to his parents. I cannot force him to become a different person and care less about what his mother thinks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

OP here. We see them weekly, not just for holidays. And we are expected to have dinner with them regularly (i do sit some of those out). That’s why it feels suffocating.

NP. No solution here but just want to say I’m in this situation too. 15 years now and half of those with kids. I am so DONE. It really is a husband problem at the root of it, but it’s hard not to be annoyed at mil as she totally plays it too and I know my husbands sense of fear of disappointment stems from her and that she will never utter a word that encourages us to be independent from her. I’ve never heard her say “I hope you guys have a great time on that vacation”. It’s always about how much she will miss kids and we have to tell her everything. I know that sounds small and subtle but when it is constant you see the patterns of how it’s always about her needs, never just actually all about the other person.

Anyway, I am trying to get us to travel. Either this year or next. I am just so so sick of every week, every holiday, every celebration like Mother’s Day or whatever is her house, about her and my DH cannot say no. I am pretty angry at him about it but I know it’s because it just makes me so sad.

OP here - yep, you get me. It's like her invisible tentacles are around us all the time. DH doesn't even enjoy spending time there but if we go ONE week without seeing her, he starts to stress because he knows she's upset. After I had my second kid I asked Mother's Day to be at our house, and it caused a huge kerfuffle. Had to fight DH to get him to inform MIL, and she definitely let it be known that she was "hurt" over it.

This is on you for tolerating this. Stand up to your baby of a husband. He sucks and you need to be stronger.

Anonymous wrote:You mean DH would rather you have an unpleasant time than stand up to his parents. There's already conflict! It's between you and your DH. Stop protecting him from this reality.

Let him deal with managing the kids on his own and either his parents will be ok with bad behavior, or he'll see that this sucks without you to make it work.

Yes, there is frequent conflict with DH over the frequency with which we see them and spending every holiday with them. But I guess DH prefers to argue with me rather than have his mom be upset and disappointed at him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

OP here. We see them weekly, not just for holidays. And we are expected to have dinner with them regularly (i do sit some of those out). That’s why it feels suffocating.

NP. No solution here but just want to say I’m in this situation too. 15 years now and half of those with kids. I am so DONE. It really is a husband problem at the root of it, but it’s hard not to be annoyed at mil as she totally plays it too and I know my husbands sense of fear of disappointment stems from her and that she will never utter a word that encourages us to be independent from her. I’ve never heard her say “I hope you guys have a great time on that vacation”. It’s always about how much she will miss kids and we have to tell her everything. I know that sounds small and subtle but when it is constant you see the patterns of how it’s always about her needs, never just actually all about the other person.

Anyway, I am trying to get us to travel. Either this year or next. I am just so so sick of every week, every holiday, every celebration like Mother’s Day or whatever is her house, about her and my DH cannot say no. I am pretty angry at him about it but I know it’s because it just makes me so sad.

OP here - yep, you get me. It's like her invisible tentacles are around us all the time. DH doesn't even enjoy spending time there but if we go ONE week without seeing her, he starts to stress because he knows she's upset. After I had my second kid I asked Mother's Day to be at our house, and it caused a huge kerfuffle. Had to fight DH to get him to inform MIL, and she definitely let it be known that she was "hurt" over it.

suzu wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go to Paris or London for Christmas. Make it a big event and break the cycle.

absolutely
london is great for christmas
ice skating, markets, evensong

OP here. That sounds amazing but unfortunately our youngest is still a toddler and traveling is just way too stressful. Definitely plan to do this when all the kids are old enough.

This all seems like a spouse issue not in laws. In laws don’t dictate what you as a family do. PPs gave a lot of good ideas. But many/most seem to be targeted at making changes where spouse wants things to stay the same.

Also having BTDT and made changes in how we celebrate holidays, I can say it isn’t always as great as you expect. I mean, Thanksgiving is just another dinner if you spend it with your nuclear family - except that it’s an huge undertaking where you do all of the work - and we do that most nights. So Im happy to go to a family celebration. As for Christmas, it took a few years to find the right balance where we really enjoyed the holiday - but definitely spending the morning at home was the best right from the beginning.

Anyway I hope OP and any others who are struggling with it find a happy medium and enjoy their holidays.

Pick one Christmas-related thing and do that with in-laws. Personally I’d pick a Christmas Eve and then keep Christmas Day for us at home. For Thanksgiving, just let them know you’d like to host at your house and would they like to join you? If they push back, then just say you’ll connect with them another time that weekend. Let them know you want to make memories for your kids at home.

If they’re disappointed, so what? You’ve been disappointed at having to go to their house so much; now it’s their turn not to get what they want.

Of course your DH needs to tell them this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re your in-laws and one way to look at it is you spend a few days a year in their less than totally comfy home and the vast majority with your nuclear family. Can’t you just go and make the best of it and encourage the relationship with your kids and their grandparents, the only ones they have?

Do a Black Friday turkey seconds dinner at home with just DH and kids, and a Boxing Day dinner with them also - make those your new traditions.

OP here. We see them weekly, not just for holidays. And we are expected to have dinner with them regularly (i do sit some of those out). That’s why it feels suffocating.

NP. No solution here but just want to say I’m in this situation too. 15 years now and half of those with kids. I am so DONE. It really is a husband problem at the root of it, but it’s hard not to be annoyed at mil as she totally plays it too and I know my husbands sense of fear of disappointment stems from her and that she will never utter a word that encourages us to be independent from her. I’ve never heard her say “I hope you guys have a great time on that vacation”. It’s always about how much she will miss kids and we have to tell her everything. I know that sounds small and subtle but when it is constant you see the patterns of how it’s always about her needs, never just actually all about the other person.

Anyway, I am trying to get us to travel. Either this year or next. I am just so so sick of every week, every holiday, every celebration like Mother’s Day or whatever is her house, about her and my DH cannot say no. I am pretty angry at him about it but I know it’s because it just makes me so sad.

Anonymous wrote:Go to Paris or London for Christmas. Make it a big event and break the cycle.

absolutely
london is great for christmas
ice skating, markets, evensong