Reply to People who don’t reciprocate

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]First off, you don't need to pay for everything when you go out.  Each pay your own except when you have the kids alone then you pay.  You invite, your choice.  Stop hosting and inviting.[/quote]

+1 -- stop insisting on paying. That's actually weird and I would find it stressful if another family was always insisting on paying for outings (and then privately seething because we are not reciprocating -- if it's a joint outing then why wouldn't we all just pay our own way).

Likewise when you host at home do it in a way that is more communal and then it matters less if they are able to host at their home in the same way. Host but ask if they can bring dessert or a salad. Say "hey if you have any yard games for the kids you should bring them!" in order to communicate that it can be a joint effort. This can take some of the pressure off you and also gives them ways to contribute without having to feel like they have to be able to host you in the exact same way in order to reciprocate.[/quote]

I think what’s being suggested is that if you never host and constantly take because you have a small home, or can’t plan, or don’t like having people over,  or whatever over that you could reciprocate by picking up a bill once in awhile.[/quote]

I host all the time because I enjoy hosting and I would find it super weird if I was out to dinner with a couple and they offered to pick up the bill.  Not sure why?  They don't seem analogous[/quote]

Ok, different strokes. We take turns paying with friends. But money is no object.[/quote]

But that's not what is being suggested. OP is saying that if Family A hosts dinner at their house and Family B cannot/will not reciprocate by hosting, then Family B should take Family A out to dinner and pick up the bill. That's a weird and awkward expectation in my opinion. It's very transactional and would make me feel like they were literally paying me back. That's not my goal with hosting.[/quote]

It would be nice for the other family to offer. Why not? Do you think hosting is free? [/quote]

I just don't think of it transactionally like that. Sure hosting costs money. But I don't sit around thinking "we spent XYZ on having the Johnsons over last week." Like that money is just rolled into the cost of living. We like hosting. We like cooking and sharing food with friends.

It sounds like you think of hosting as an obligation or burden. To me it's more like a hobby or a fun activity. We could host this weekend or we could go to the beach. Both will cost money but I don't expect whoever we host to pay us back anymore than I expect the beach to pay me back. I would enjoy both activities.[/quote]

It’s not a transaction. I can acknowledge someone has been kind and generous to me and want to do something in return. What kind of friends do people have where this isn’t the case?[/quote]

I just think you are narrowly defining "something in return" as hosting or paying for something. But like I have friends who can never afford to host me or pay for something. But the still give me things. Their time and attention and affection. They are kind to my kids. They tell good stories. If I'm sick or dealing with something hard they are supportive. To me that is what it means to be reciprocal in a friendship. Who pays for what is just a logistical issue and sometimes that's split and sometimes one side takes on more of it. Whatever.[/quote]

They still give you things. That’s transactional by your definition.  That’s expected but others are doing literally nothing but taking.[/quote]

No it's not transactional because there is no ledger. I'm not sitting around thinking "gosh I was really supportive of Kelly when she broke her fit and also when her dad died but then when I had gall bladder surgery she was busy with work and wasn't as supportive." Instead I just do what feels right to me and I accept what my friends have to offer and unless it feels really one way then it's enough and it doesn't have to be equal.

You are fixating on how many times you've hosted and how much it costs and how your friend has not spent the same amount of money on you. THAT is transactional.[/quote]

But you could quickly rattle off the things they do. Weird since you supposedly don’t keep track. Point is if it was nothing you would eventually notice.[/quote]

If I had a friend who literally never did anything for me then I would not notice "eventually." I would notice immediately and not become friends with them.

Are you really saying these friends never do anything at all even just ask you how you're doing or express interest in your life or something. I do not believe you.[/quote]

How would you notice “immediately” if you’re not a bean counter? I thought people don’t even keep track?[/quote]

I am beginning to understand why you don't get invited to things.

I notice immediately if someone never asks me how I am or expresses an interest in my life. If I'm the only one asking questions and they are talking a lot about themselves but never asking about me I'm going to pick up on that right away. Not because I'm counting the seconds we each talk or keeping score but because I can tell that they aren't interested in me and not trying to get to know me. They aren't doing the things that people do when they want to know someone more. So I will assume they aren't very interested in me and likely not pursue a friendship with them.

That is different than what you are doing. If you are the same PP who said that she has a friend who comes to everything she is invited to and is a good guest and brings food or a gift but never invites back then you are ignoring all these things your friend is doing that show she cares (showing up when invited and talking and listening to you and even bringing cookies or a gift to share or just in gratitude) and insisting that she must reciprocate in the exact same way. That is score keeping. She's offering you lots of stuff but you will only accept reciprocation that takes the same form and is exactly equal. Well then she's not the friend for you because it doesn't sound like she is every going to host.[/quote]

What am I doing? You’re projecting a lot of nonsense which has nothing to do with what I have said.[/quote]

Lady you are being incredibly demanding and combative here. You asked a question and people tried to answer it. Your response has been to belittle and criticize and rip people apart for their good faith efforts to answer your question.

This may be precisely why some people choose to never invite you anywhere but are okay coming to your house and eating your food.[/quote]

Psycho, there is more than one person responding in here. Maybe take a break.[/quote]

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