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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here’s the thing — from the parent’s perspective, the bully often IS considered quite popular. They are often charismatic and seem like leaders (because kids certainly do seem to follow them). I think it can be really hard to figure out that your kid is the problem when they seem to have plenty of people texting them, wanting to come to their party, etc.

My kid was good friends with a girl who pretty relentlessly bullied another kid in fifth grade. There wasn’t any actual physical violence, but lots of “I hate you, I wish you would die, etc.” My kid and I talked about it a lot and she always knew which kid was wrong, but the bully was also super charismatic and lots of fun. She struggled with what to do. In sixth grade, my daughter clearly chose to stay friends with the bullied girl and not the bully and the bully then turned on my kid. The difference is that my kid isn’t anxious, etc and could mostly not care that the bully was talking smack about her and turning people against her. It is a large school and my kid still has plenty of friends.

I can promise you that the bully’s parents don’t really get it at all. We know them pretty well, we see them regularly, etc. I can see from their perspective why their daughter seems to be a super friendly, charming kid. I don’t think they will ever get it. I’m sure they still think their daughter and my daughter are friends (although not as close as they used to be me). They have no idea that my daughter knows their kid is a snake and she carefully navigates around her.[/quote]

this is much closer to typical bullying than most people think. the idea of a bully who is himself a victim of another bully is not accurate.

it is difficult to be a bully if you are not popular. especially among girls. you need other kids for bullying to work. your target must be isolated and helpless. how are you going to bully a child who has a strong friend group? the group will turn on you.[/quote]

Go to a playground - you’ll figure it out.

They keep punching down, there’s always someone lower on the totem pole. In my daughter’s case, the bullying problem in first grade girls has spilled over to DD’s kindergarten because on the playground they’re the easy targets for even the lowliest first grader.

In my DS’ case, the head bullies were super effective at making the lower tier kids turn against each other. He is good friends with the nice dorky boy across the street - they geek out together… but at school the popular crowd told them the two of them that they wouldn’t be allowed to play on any playground equipment unless the “proved themselves” by racing each other and beating a time. They raced each other, which enrages me to think about, and one would be chosen and the other ostracized. The both had a chance to be on the inside and join the popular kids in ostracizing the other. DS was devastated that his friend from across the street had joined the bullies but I know that the day that he ran fast enough he did it too. One day, the game changed - win today and you don’t have to run anymore. For some reason a light went on and one said to the other, you know that’s not true. They’re just going to say we have to run tomorrow. And they mustered up the courage to walk away. Proud of both of them but so sad that they were so desperate to avoid the humiliation that they turned on each other. Not sure what made them realize it was a trick, but if one had consistently been better than the other, sadly, they would have been absorbed into the bullies and they would have lost each other. [/quote]

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