Reply to Sigh, I don't know what to do about DH's meanness

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Reply to "Sigh, I don't know what to do about DH's meanness"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Male here.  
You say “you said some pretty nasty things to me and have an on again/zoff again nasty streak.  I don’t believe anyone especially me as your spouse deserves to be spoken to this way. You can not and I willl not let you speak to me or treat me like that.  With that being said is this something you are will to stop and address?”  
Let him respond.  If he starts going of on a tangent or making excuses.  Say “i have expressed my feelings and my question is, is this something you are will to address?”

If he says any form of no, you have your answer.

If he says yes, ask him how he plans to address it.  If he says he doesn’t know.  Say “why don’t you let me know by Thursday (2-3 day later ) what your plan is.  If you need help coming up with a plan why don’t we set aside some time tomorrow night to work on a plan.  But this discussion will only be about making a  plan not about what happened or anything else”.

If [/quote]

Female here.

This advice is a classic example of foisting men's work on women.  It is not the woman's job to force her DH to make a plan to learn how to stop being abusive.  You are essentially advising her how to more effectively control the husband's behavior.

Women can't control men's behavior. The woman is responsible for her own behavior only - making sure she is communicating clearly and respectfully and making sure her boundaries are clear.

Saying "You cannot and I will not let you speak to me or treat me like that" is not boundary. It is trying to control the man's behavior.

Saying I will not listen or engage when you speak to me like that is a boundary. She states what she will do at a boundary violation. Then when she encounters this behavior, she states the boundary violation, "you are shouting at me, I will not engage when you are treating me like this. When you feel able to talk calmly about this, you can try again if you want. ". Then she just walk away or whatever the situation allows. A good individual therapist can help the woman strategize about this.

All that blather about what is his plan is a waste of time.  She is not responsible for getting him to make a plan, monitoring his carrying out of the plan, etc. She is only responsible for monitoring herself, carrying out her responsibilities and protecting herself and the kids.  To the later point, if his behavior is batshit, then she is responsible for setting boundaries. If he continues to violate the boundaries, then she is responsible for removing herself and the kids in whatever way is possible, which can stretch from grey-rocking, having more separate time, or ending the relationship. [/quote]

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