Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with him, but I have three kids and a spouse. Everyone thinks one plate/one glass is no big deal. It quickly adds up. The dishwasher is right there and it takes less than 10 seconds, 20 if you need to rinse it.

I'd rather my spouse tell me what is bothering him rather than suppressing the thought and letting resentment build. Talking things out means you do not need to head for divorce.

So? In my house we help each other. Sometimes you do an extra plate, sometimes you miss a plate.

Anonymous wrote:Of more concern than the story you told is your fear of his often escalating anger. Do you realize how concerning that is?

The petty argument about the dishes and who does what around the house is the same argument that millions of couples have all the time. Most of us aren’t scared to defend ourselves if we feel that’s the appropriate response.

Anonymous wrote:
OP, do you know the expression, "Walking on eggshells?"

You are living that way.

You made the post about one example and people here are going to fixate on that one example and give you countless stories of spouses who also can't abide a plate left out on a counter, or who also would never think to cover patio furniture in the rain or do chore X or partcipate in kid activity Y and who come home late and, and, and.

But please stop focusing on this ONE incident and his terribly stupid text to you and whether you showed "lack of respect." That phrase is nothing but cover for the real meaning, "I AM PISSED AT YOU." Respect has nothing whatsoever to do with two dishes on a counter but he wants you to think it does.

OP, reread your own post as if you're reading a stranger's post. You bit your tongue in your reply because you don't want to rile him up. Your reply is full of other indicators that you know he has a short fuse and he will get angry if you are not perfect by HIS standard of perfection; you clearly know he expects you to cater to how he expects the house to be. And OP, come on, he surely expects you and your child to exercise his standard of perfection in other aspects of life, right? Meals on the table on time, every time, maybe? Or your kid is too "messy" and that makes him angry? Sit down and think hard: What else does he want to control and have "perfect" for himself? Make a list. I mean it. An actual, written list. You will see how tiny things add up to "Kid and I tiptoe around his moods, feelings and standards."

No one should live having to monitor every dirty plate, every interaction, every word or text, because the other person might get upset or angry. You and he need non-negotiable marriage therapy. This is NOT about plates. It is not about real respect, which he fails to show toward you by interrupting your day with a petty, spiteful communication. It is not about his hatred of mess. It is about his need for control and his living a separate life where he works long hours and expects to come home to quiet perfection--bachelor perfection, really. He and you have more serious issues that will worsen with time.

Why do I say they'll worsen? As your kid gets older and asserts himself or herself more, daddy is likely to hate that too, and push back by trying to control your kid, criticize your kid and you as the mother, etc.

Foresee it now, OP, and tell him there is a problem. If he says there isn't one? Well, if either one of the people in a couple perceives a problem, then there IS a problem, no matter what the other person wants to believe. And the problem is not his standard of cleanliness, or yours.

Anonymous wrote:
OP, do you know the expression, "Walking on eggshells?"

You are living that way.

You made the post about one example and people here are going to fixate on that one example and give you countless stories of spouses who also can't abide a plate left out on a counter, or who also would never think to cover patio furniture in the rain or do chore X or partcipate in kid activity Y and who come home late and, and, and.

But please stop focusing on this ONE incident and his terribly stupid text to you and whether you showed "lack of respect." That phrase is nothing but cover for the real meaning, "I AM PISSED AT YOU." Respect has nothing whatsoever to do with two dishes on a counter but he wants you to think it does.

OP, reread your own post as if you're reading a stranger's post. You bit your tongue in your reply because you don't want to rile him up. Your reply is full of other indicators that you know he has a short fuse and he will get angry if you are not perfect by HIS standard of perfection; you clearly know he expects you to cater to how he expects the house to be. And OP, come on, he surely expects you and your child to exercise his standard of perfection in other aspects of life, right? Meals on the table on time, every time, maybe? Or your kid is too "messy" and that makes him angry? Sit down and think hard: What else does he want to control and have "perfect" for himself? Make a list. I mean it. An actual, written list. You will see how tiny things add up to "Kid and I tiptoe around his moods, feelings and standards."

No one should live having to monitor every dirty plate, every interaction, every word or text, because the other person might get upset or angry. You and he need non-negotiable marriage therapy. This is NOT about plates. It is not about real respect, which he fails to show toward you by interrupting your day with a petty, spiteful communication. It is not about his hatred of mess. It is about his need for control and his living a separate life where he works long hours and expects to come home to quiet perfection--bachelor perfection, really. He and you have more serious issues that will worsen with time.

Why do I say they'll worsen? As your kid gets older and asserts himself or herself more, daddy is likely to hate that too, and push back by trying to control your kid, criticize your kid and you as the mother, etc.

Foresee it now, OP, and tell him there is a problem. If he says there isn't one? Well, if either one of the people in a couple perceives a problem, then there IS a problem, no matter what the other person wants to believe. And the problem is not his standard of cleanliness, or yours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Not seeing the forest for the trees, PP. Not seeing the bigger picture because you're thinking this is really just about two plates, one text, and this one time he was an a-hole about an infinitesimally minor thing. This surely, surely is not the only time he's acted in this childish, petty way, and OP clearly walks on eggshells around him. That is the real issue. Not "letting small issues slide."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

Then learn to eat your husband’s crap, because he is very unlikely to change.

And accept the fact that by eating your husband’s crap, you are teaching your son, the best thing that ever happened to you, that it is okay for women to be treated like crap by their husbands. And then he is likely to grow up to be a man who treats women like crap.

I can only speak from experience. My father treated my mother like crap, my brother started practicing the skills with me, his little sister, in childhood and then carried on to be a mean and nasty partner to multiple girlfriends and wives. Now he’s teaching his son and daughter the same lessons. This is how misogyny is perpetuated.

This is why you should never ask for advice here OP. So many angry divorced women. My marriage didn't work out, so you can't have yours either attitude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Not seeing the forest for the trees, PP. Not seeing the bigger picture because you're thinking this is really just about two plates, one text, and this one time he was an a-hole about an infinitesimally minor thing. This surely, surely is not the only time he's acted in this childish, petty way, and OP clearly walks on eggshells around him. That is the real issue. Not "letting small issues slide."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

Do this. You deserve better and so does your son.

Ridiculous. It was a text. DCUM needs to learn to let small issues slide a bit and deal with them proactively. The child does not want his/her parents to divorce. Do you want to have to admit to your child that you guys split up over a text of two dishes because you were rushing out of the house for a kid centered event? No? Then don't divorce. Deal with the issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

Then learn to eat your husband’s crap, because he is very unlikely to change.

And accept the fact that by eating your husband’s crap, you are teaching your son, the best thing that ever happened to you, that it is okay for women to be treated like crap by their husbands. And then he is likely to grow up to be a man who treats women like crap.

I can only speak from experience. My father treated my mother like crap, my brother started practicing the skills with me, his little sister, in childhood and then carried on to be a mean and nasty partner to multiple girlfriends and wives. Now he’s teaching his son and daughter the same lessons. This is how misogyny is perpetuated.