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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here is one more thing. This makes me feel bad as I write it. I asked him to lose weight and get in shape. He did. I was so confused when he lost the weight, as it happened so fast. He also didn’t tell me or let me in on his journey or talk about it. Probably bc our comms between us was down.  I remember only thinking (and probably saying), “you think you can fix things by … this?” [/quote]

I relate to this.  DH did a complete behavior 180.  After criticizing everything about me- my looks, my voice, my parenting, suddenly I was the most important thing in his life.  After having a horrible temper and outbursts all of a sudden he was patient.  After refusing sex he was suddenly like we just met.  I should be happy- but instead I am confused and angry that he could have just been nice the whole time but chose not to until the marriage was on the brink.[/quote]

DP.  Just because he changed his behavior doesn't mean that your wounds from his poor behavior are miraculously healed.  What efforts have been made to repair the damange - and don't tell me that exhibiting behavior that he should have been exhibiting all along [b]is [/b]the repair! It most definitely is not. What you're in is a lopsided relationship.  Your husband is making positive changes and expects things to go his way. He's on the upswing.  You are still hobbled by hurt.

I'm in a similar position except ours is a cycle. I can't get my husband's attention about stuff unless I blow up.  It doesn't matter that I clearly communicate, am reasonable and calm.  It doesn't register with him until/unless I lose it. By that time, it's too late and our relationship takes a blow - it's not about doing the dishes or calling a repairman or whatever, it's that he's not a partner.  He's not longer 'safe' or 'reliable' and until I have assurance that it actually is that way again, our relationship cannot be repaired.

If your counselor, like ours, is missing that insight, you need a new one. [/quote]

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