The blow up phenomenon — how come we haven’t figured that out yet? It’s quite common. I did it for the same exact reasons. Usually on attempt to communicate number five. I regret it. I know haven’t done that in five years in another relationship.

How do we figure that one out? I wish the counselor had taught me that before we moved on from her.

Many dumb counselors out there - don’t think twice before changing

The best part of couples therapy, for us, was that we would recap what we felt like she was getting right vs wrong in sessions and ended up sticking up for each other a bit in these conversations. So I would tell DH “I don’t think she got what I was talking about with xyz” and then elaborate, explaining to him directly, what I actually meant. We were both a little emotionally drained from the session and seeking out comfort in these times so I think it helped to discuss in these moments. Also, neither of us liked her much so we bonded over that a little.

That said, I don’t think we were at all near divorce and, in retrospect, there were a lot of situation specific elements (pandemic, move, etc) that we are no longer dealing with.

I would say, in your case, if you aren’t in a place to discuss how you feel sessions are going with DH, you’ve got to find someone who you both feel hears and respects you

I am not in favor of marriage counseling. It’s not for everyone.

We had one marriage counselor who literally twisted everything that we said into some kind of failure on my part..... After a few sessions even to your husband is like. I think this guy has it out for you and we should find someone new because he could see how bias this counselor was.... That's when you know you're a bad counselor

google start behavior/ stop behavior etc

Stopping criticism is a major “stop behavior.”
Stopping things can be just as hard as ..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is one more thing. This makes me feel bad as I write it. I asked him to lose weight and get in shape. He did. I was so confused when he lost the weight, as it happened so fast. He also didn’t tell me or let me in on his journey or talk about it. Probably bc our comms between us was down. I remember only thinking (and probably saying), “you think you can fix things by … this?”

I relate to this. DH did a complete behavior 180. After criticizing everything about me- my looks, my voice, my parenting, suddenly I was the most important thing in his life. After having a horrible temper and outbursts all of a sudden he was patient. After refusing sex he was suddenly like we just met. I should be happy- but instead I am confused and angry that he could have just been nice the whole time but chose not to until the marriage was on the brink.

DP. Just because he changed his behavior doesn't mean that your wounds from his poor behavior are miraculously healed. What efforts have been made to repair the damange - and don't tell me that exhibiting behavior that he should have been exhibiting all along is the repair! It most definitely is not. What you're in is a lopsided relationship. Your husband is making positive changes and expects things to go his way. He's on the upswing. You are still hobbled by hurt.

I'm in a similar position except ours is a cycle. I can't get my husband's attention about stuff unless I blow up. It doesn't matter that I clearly communicate, am reasonable and calm. It doesn't register with him until/unless I lose it. By that time, it's too late and our relationship takes a blow - it's not about doing the dishes or calling a repairman or whatever, it's that he's not a partner. He's not longer 'safe' or 'reliable' and until I have assurance that it actually is that way again, our relationship cannot be repaired.

If your counselor, like ours, is missing that insight, you need a new one.

OP here- this was our exact dynamic until divorce was put on the table. I don’t know what he needs to do to repair the relationship. He’s not doing it and reverting to old behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is one more thing. This makes me feel bad as I write it. I asked him to lose weight and get in shape. He did. I was so confused when he lost the weight, as it happened so fast. He also didn’t tell me or let me in on his journey or talk about it. Probably bc our comms between us was down. I remember only thinking (and probably saying), “you think you can fix things by … this?”

I relate to this. DH did a complete behavior 180. After criticizing everything about me- my looks, my voice, my parenting, suddenly I was the most important thing in his life. After having a horrible temper and outbursts all of a sudden he was patient. After refusing sex he was suddenly like we just met. I should be happy- but instead I am confused and angry that he could have just been nice the whole time but chose not to until the marriage was on the brink.

DP. Just because he changed his behavior doesn't mean that your wounds from his poor behavior are miraculously healed. What efforts have been made to repair the damange - and don't tell me that exhibiting behavior that he should have been exhibiting all along is the repair! It most definitely is not. What you're in is a lopsided relationship. Your husband is making positive changes and expects things to go his way. He's on the upswing. You are still hobbled by hurt.

I'm in a similar position except ours is a cycle. I can't get my husband's attention about stuff unless I blow up. It doesn't matter that I clearly communicate, am reasonable and calm. It doesn't register with him until/unless I lose it. By that time, it's too late and our relationship takes a blow - it's not about doing the dishes or calling a repairman or whatever, it's that he's not a partner. He's not longer 'safe' or 'reliable' and until I have assurance that it actually is that way again, our relationship cannot be repaired.

If your counselor, like ours, is missing that insight, you need a new one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster as above. If I were to do it again, I would not go to marriage therapy. My second one was much better than the first. Yoga or talking to a friend would have been time better spent.

I have liked individual therapy a lot. My therapist does not mind repeatedly talking about issues I think would be exhausting to my friends after awhile. She has been a helpful sounding board and had helped me stay accountable for things I need to do. I found my attitude really improved with my children and my husband with her help. She also sort of functions as the mother-like figure I never had, because my mother is mentally unwell.

After therapy I sometimes feel a bit sad and exhausted, but over time I have worked through a lot and feel better. So it sort of surprises me how unhappy I am with the marriage counselor, even when she is saying really similar things.

This could be the triangle thing. Your mother was mentally unwell. Was your dad in denial? You may be reliving some issue where you feel like the other responsible adult in the room is in denial of your feelings and of very real issues in your life that are impacting you. Unpack and be sure you aren’t projecting.

Lol this is a pretty deep analysis and I’m not sure about the triangle thing but… maybe? I’m not sure it makes much difference.

It may be you are learning some
emotional coping skills/topics too in your mid-life. I do not know. Highly accomplished people can have under-developed emotional and conflict navigation skills. We didn’t learn them in youth and maybe leap into jobs and relationships. Maybe few romantic relationships (?).

Many times these emotional skills are taught by the mother. (I’m guessing here). It is more socially-acceptable for men not to have these skills or for them to be under-developed. Not fair of course, but that goes in the heap of what is not fair.

When women don’t have these emotional navigation or deescalation skills, it’s rough.…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster as above. If I were to do it again, I would not go to marriage therapy. My second one was much better than the first. Yoga or talking to a friend would have been time better spent.

I have liked individual therapy a lot. My therapist does not mind repeatedly talking about issues I think would be exhausting to my friends after awhile. She has been a helpful sounding board and had helped me stay accountable for things I need to do. I found my attitude really improved with my children and my husband with her help. She also sort of functions as the mother-like figure I never had, because my mother is mentally unwell.

After therapy I sometimes feel a bit sad and exhausted, but over time I have worked through a lot and feel better. So it sort of surprises me how unhappy I am with the marriage counselor, even when she is saying really similar things.

This could be the triangle thing. Your mother was mentally unwell. Was your dad in denial? You may be reliving some issue where you feel like the other responsible adult in the room is in denial of your feelings and of very real issues in your life that are impacting you. Unpack and be sure you aren’t projecting.