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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends.  Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error.   Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading.   Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.[/quote]

This rings true to me. Children are usually a huge game changer, and the ASD spouse will seek refuge in work or other special interests once life ups the ante of what is expected of them as a spouse and parent. The demands of parenting are pretty unforgiving.

Also, regarding the dating phase, during this time the potential love interest / future spouse falls into the category of one of their "special interests" - a topic, hobby, or thing / person that the autistic individual cherishes / obsesses over. It comes off like real infatuation... It is real. Like any relationship, though, the infatuation recedes. The issue is that once it recedes,  there isn't the same base of love and partnership, an assumed joint effort that you might have in a neurotypical relationship. It is just like they move on, leaving you holding the bag of the house / life / children, and you're completely at a loss, lonely and overworked, while they invest obsessively in other directions. [/quote]

Very true. The more on their plate the more they can recede into their own little world. I am glad my spouse has cooking and reading series books as his special interests so he can at least make dinner or read to the kids. Everything else is left to me. If you have the finances, outsource what you can. Recently, I hired someone to come once a week to do things like declutter, organize, cut up fruit, unbox any packages, etc... and it is so worth the money because as a spouse to ASD spouse/child you're already pretty exhausted! I call the "mental load" of taking care of things for the house, all the activities/therapies involved with special need kids that's hard to do alone when you work and not as easy to outsource. It's maybe small pieces individually but it really adds up together.[/quote]

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