Reply to Do Asian elders typically go to nursing homes?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m an Asian immigrant and the oldest daughter of my family. My mom prefers to live with me in US but I said no. She has good health insurance in home country and can’t speak English or drive. It’ll be too much of a burden on me as I work full time and my kids are still young. She has her own house but chose to go to a nursing home. I pay for the cost and send her extra money from time to time. Have to admit I feel very guilty not to fulfill her wish, but on the other hand, I don’t want to die before her. It was extremely stressful every time she visited us in US for even a few months. [/quote]

It's stressful because she can't speak English nor drive.  She would be essentially infantilized if she moved here.  
You chose to move here so chose this outcome for her.  That is why you feel guilty.
Did your parents talk to you about life choices and taking the long view?  Most Asians don't and just assume the culture will enforce familial expectations.  In Asia, most grandparents care for the grandchildren, relieving the parents of that huge domestic stressor.  
[/quote]

Are you Asian PP? If you’re not, you don’t have the right to shade the original PP about her parents. I don’t think you realize how different Asian Asian parents are from American or even Asian American parents. There is the expectation of subservience and servitude that is very difficult to swallow for any adult child who wants to live their own life and the helplessness is very off putting. Sometimes, they just want you to do things for them as some test of loyalty or to show others in the community about how much they can control you. My own mother asked to come stay with me in the US and I said yes knowing I wouldn’t follow through. The fact that I couldn’t be honest with her speaks to my anxiety in dealing with her drama and tantrums. You don’t know anything about Asian culture PP. Btw, it isn’t grandparents who care for children in Asia as much as the cheap household live in help. The grandparents themselves are probably burdening the poor family maid who also has to care for the employers kids.[/quote]
Of course I am Asian and fluent in my birth tongue.[/quote]

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