I grew up with my parents, grandparents and great grandmother all in the same house. I feel extremely fortunate to have good memories of having dinner with them every night, laughing with them, etc. especially now that I only have one parent left. I'm glad my children had the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to the PP question about Mandarin speaking nursing homes in the DMV. Any info would be much appreciated!

This isn’t exactly what you’re asking for, but I know there are a bunch of adult daycares in Rockville that primarily serve Mandarin-speaking elders. The one I’ve been to offered shuttle service to-from home and doctor’s appointments, coordinated with pharmacies to fill prescriptions, served breakfast and lunch, and had a host of clubs and activities. I thought it seemed like a nice resource for folks that couldn’t be home alone all day but didn’t require full-time care of the kind offered in an assisted living facility.

I think the facility I described above is called A Plus.

Anonymous wrote:+1 to the PP question about Mandarin speaking nursing homes in the DMV. Any info would be much appreciated!

This isn’t exactly what you’re asking for, but I know there are a bunch of adult daycares in Rockville that primarily serve Mandarin-speaking elders. The one I’ve been to offered shuttle service to-from home and doctor’s appointments, coordinated with pharmacies to fill prescriptions, served breakfast and lunch, and had a host of clubs and activities. I thought it seemed like a nice resource for folks that couldn’t be home alone all day but didn’t require full-time care of the kind offered in an assisted living facility.

Asian here.
My oarents didnt “put me away” when they had to change my diapers when I was a baby- how could I put them away when we had to do theirs( we had a medicare helper at home)
My dad passed while I was away for just 3 days, it still haunts me.
I could have never placed him in assisted care.
Ps I work full time and have family as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an Asian immigrant and the oldest daughter of my family. My mom prefers to live with me in US but I said no. She has good health insurance in home country and can’t speak English or drive. It’ll be too much of a burden on me as I work full time and my kids are still young. She has her own house but chose to go to a nursing home. I pay for the cost and send her extra money from time to time. Have to admit I feel very guilty not to fulfill her wish, but on the other hand, I don’t want to die before her. It was extremely stressful every time she visited us in US for even a few months.

It's stressful because she can't speak English nor drive. She would be essentially infantilized if she moved here.
You chose to move here so chose this outcome for her. That is why you feel guilty.
Did your parents talk to you about life choices and taking the long view? Most Asians don't and just assume the culture will enforce familial expectations. In Asia, most grandparents care for the grandchildren, relieving the parents of that huge domestic stressor.

Are you Asian PP? If you’re not, you don’t have the right to shade the original PP about her parents. I don’t think you realize how different Asian Asian parents are from American or even Asian American parents. There is the expectation of subservience and servitude that is very difficult to swallow for any adult child who wants to live their own life and the helplessness is very off putting. Sometimes, they just want you to do things for them as some test of loyalty or to show others in the community about how much they can control you. My own mother asked to come stay with me in the US and I said yes knowing I wouldn’t follow through. The fact that I couldn’t be honest with her speaks to my anxiety in dealing with her drama and tantrums. You don’t know anything about Asian culture PP. Btw, it isn’t grandparents who care for children in Asia as much as the cheap household live in help. The grandparents themselves are probably burdening the poor family maid who also has to care for the employers kids.

Of course I am Asian and fluent in my birth tongue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a huge burden on middle age kids who are dealing with their own health issues, looming retirement, children's college expenses etc. They can become sandwiches, more so if parents live for long. Asian women often live for a century.

I'm an CFBC Asian woman and one of the reasons I refuse to have children is because I dont want to subject anyone to the scenario you describe. It's a horrible burden. I much prefer assisted suicide if I can no longer enjoy life and need someone to wipe my privates.

Its not easy being dependent on others, terrible place to be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to the PP question about Mandarin speaking nursing homes in the DMV. Any info would be much appreciated!

.
There is a place called Jarher in Rockville MD. I looked into it but my mom speaks a different dialect so she might as well be Korean. They run day care centers for seniors out there in Rockville. This facility has that and an assisted living portion. Maybe a good fit for your parents!

Do you know how much Jarher costs? For a semi private room or studio? I’m looking for a low income Asian senior.

It will be anywhere from $8 K to 12K a month. Not for low-income. But their daycare maybe partially funded through Medicaid. I'm not sure if they will work with you.

Anonymous wrote:Its a huge burden on middle age kids who are dealing with their own health issues, looming retirement, children's college expenses etc. They can become sandwiches, more so if parents live for long. Asian women often live for a century.

I'm an CFBC Asian woman and one of the reasons I refuse to have children is because I dont want to subject anyone to the scenario you describe. It's a horrible burden. I much prefer assisted suicide if I can no longer enjoy life and need someone to wipe my privates.

Its a huge burden on middle age kids who are dealing with their own health issues, looming retirement, children's college expenses etc. They can become sandwiches, more so if parents live for long. Asian women often live for a century.

Anonymous wrote:I visited a relative at one in an area with plenty of Asians, but I did not see any others in the facility.

Its rare and only happens if there is genuinely no way around it because of strong parent-child bond and also of cultural norm. It probably is difficult for elder Asians to feel at home in nursing homes due to cultural, religious, dietary and language differences. They are often the odd person out and feel alienated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to the PP question about Mandarin speaking nursing homes in the DMV. Any info would be much appreciated!

.
There is a place called Jarher in Rockville MD. I looked into it but my mom speaks a different dialect so she might as well be Korean. They run day care centers for seniors out there in Rockville. This facility has that and an assisted living portion. Maybe a good fit for your parents!

Do you know how much Jarher costs? For a semi private room or studio? I’m looking for a low income Asian senior.

I'm the oldest daughter in an Asian-American family. I took care of my grandmother and father at home until they died, and now take care of my mom. My little tiny grandmother was a piece of cake to take care of as she took very good care of herself well into her 90s, but for my Dad who never exercised a day in his life and loved ice cream everyday...care was strenuous and difficult. He would've been better off in a facility, but he didn't plan for that. We did have temporary in-home nursing/hospice for my Dad in his final weeks.

It was tough, but between DH and two uncles who live close by, we were able to manage. My aunt died alone in a facility during the pandemic but there's no way her kids would've been able to manage her care alone. I don't have it in me to put my mom away, but I don't think she will need it, as she takes after my grandmother...mobile, active, alert and eats super healthy.

I will definitely plan for myself so that my kids aren't burdened with taking care of me (although DD says she would take care of me anyway).

Anonymous wrote:No bc they are too smart to give all their hard-earned $ to a nursing facility. They move in with family who inherit what’s left.

"Move in with family" doesn't equal 24/7 care. If someone has dementia and is exit seeking, they literally can not be left alone for a single second--not even to sleep or use the restroom. This can literally go on for years. How does the family accommodate this?

No bc they are too smart to give all their hard-earned $ to a nursing facility. They move in with family who inherit what’s left.

Thank you for the post on Jarher! Would love any other suggestions on Mandarin speaking AL or senior center communities. My parents just told me they are looking to move to DMV next year so I’m in full research mode to help.