Reply to My sister has asked me to adopt her baby

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does she want to abort? She could fly to another state that doesn’t hate women. [/quote]

She originally wanted to abort and now she doesn't. The only other person who knows outside of the child's father is a family friend who is more like a sister to us. Apparently she talked my sister out of it before my sister found out it was illegal in their state. My sister has watched me have several losses over the years and says that she believes this baby is supposed to be with me.[/quote]

If there's something out there that says the baby is really supposed to be with you, wouldn't that something cause you to give birth to the baby? I only point this out because you keep minimizing the risk that she could change her mind but if some of her thought process isn't clear (and she has already changed her mind about having an abortion); even though it isn't likely, you really should prepare yourself that she could change her mind, even a few days after the birth (in Virignia). That wouldn't be a bad thing, but maybe a hard thing to go through for you since you want kids.[/quote]

I would really explore her thinking about her choices. Abortion is still available to her and you could, presumably, help her with money.  She should also explore with an LBGTQ-friendly therapist.  She is engaging in “magical thinking” to take away the shame and disgust you say she feels - it allows her to think of the baby as a good thing instead of shame. It’s awful if the “friend” who convinced her to keep the child and give it away reinforced her shame about an accidental pregnancy that wasn’t discovered until late. This happens to MANY women and is nothing to be ashamed of and does not preclude abortion morally.

Personally, I would not agree to secrecy about her as the birth mother.  Secrets are corrosive. It allows her to keep her shame but live with it in private - not healthy for her and not healthy for you and the child.  If she thinks you raising the baby is meant to be, then she can get to a place where she doesn’t feel shame and a need to keep it secret.  IMO, as her sister, you can play a critical role in helping her reframe the situation without the shame - whether you her she want to raise the baby.  I would also demand full, honest disclosure about drug use during pregnancy - without shame, in the interest of the child’s health, and in the interest of your sister’s health. If she’s. using, facilitating an adoption and helping her cover up everything is just enabling the shame that drives her drug use.

You can demand that she be open and honest while also respecting privacy - and deciding jointly who knows how much. [/quote]

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