Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she want to abort? She could fly to another state that doesn’t hate women.

She originally wanted to abort and now she doesn't. The only other person who knows outside of the child's father is a family friend who is more like a sister to us. Apparently she talked my sister out of it before my sister found out it was illegal in their state. My sister has watched me have several losses over the years and says that she believes this baby is supposed to be with me.

If there's something out there that says the baby is really supposed to be with you, wouldn't that something cause you to give birth to the baby? I only point this out because you keep minimizing the risk that she could change her mind but if some of her thought process isn't clear (and she has already changed her mind about having an abortion); even though it isn't likely, you really should prepare yourself that she could change her mind, even a few days after the birth (in Virignia). That wouldn't be a bad thing, but maybe a hard thing to go through for you since you want kids.

I would really explore her thinking about her choices. Abortion is still available to her and you could, presumably, help her with money. She should also explore with an LBGTQ-friendly therapist. She is engaging in “magical thinking” to take away the shame and disgust you say she feels - it allows her to think of the baby as a good thing instead of shame. It’s awful if the “friend” who convinced her to keep the child and give it away reinforced her shame about an accidental pregnancy that wasn’t discovered until late. This happens to MANY women and is nothing to be ashamed of and does not preclude abortion morally.

Personally, I would not agree to secrecy about her as the birth mother. Secrets are corrosive. It allows her to keep her shame but live with it in private - not healthy for her and not healthy for you and the child. If she thinks you raising the baby is meant to be, then she can get to a place where she doesn’t feel shame and a need to keep it secret. IMO, as her sister, you can play a critical role in helping her reframe the situation without the shame - whether you her she want to raise the baby. I would also demand full, honest disclosure about drug use during pregnancy - without shame, in the interest of the child’s health, and in the interest of your sister’s health. If she’s. using, facilitating an adoption and helping her cover up everything is just enabling the shame that drives her drug use.

You can demand that she be open and honest while also respecting privacy - and deciding jointly who knows how much.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry if this post is all over the place. My sister is gay and lost her wife to cancer in May. She is grieving and I have a feeling she hasn't been doing all that well. She got pregnant by a guy that we grew up with. The story kind of sounded off but she was basically drunk. She missed a few periods and thought it was because of stress she went to the doctor and found out that she was already in her second trimester. Abortion is illegal in the state that she is in. I have personally had several losses and she is asked me if I want the baby. She wants to come to DC give birth and just hand me the baby. She doesn't want her name on the birth certificate she doesn't want anyone to know that she is pregnant. The father knows and he's okay with this idea. She wants me to keep it from our mother. Right now she has a lot of Shame and almost sounds like she resents the child, she says that she is disgusted with herself. Is this kind of adoption simple? I don't have a lot of money and I had planned on moving out of the area next fall. My sister doesn't seem to think we need to get anybody involved but I have a feeling it doesn't work like that. Obviously one day the child will need to go to school and there will be doctor's appointments.

Sorry if this post is a mess thanks in advance for any advice.

A few years from now she may regret her decision and want he child back so make sure that adoption is done to the letter of the law. Right now your sister is not thinking clearly and she should not be making major decisions. Both of you need in-depth counseling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you say yes you need to find out if the baby has been exposed to drugs/alcohol.

This is her niece or nephew. It doesn't matter. OP should no question take the baby.

Please join the rest of us in reality.

Agreed. I’m the parent of a child with profound special needs due to a genetic disorder. There is no way I would take on a baby that had been exposed to drugs and alcohol. The special needs can be extreme. Our family makes it work because we are high income and my hsuband and I are happily married. It is ridiculously hard even with a lot of money and supportive partner. A single mom really has to consider whether they are equipped for this. Very little of the unrelated network you have built up over the years, and frankly even family, are interested in bathing and changing diapers on a teenager. Ask me how I know.

Pretty sure that the jurisdiction for the adoption will be where the birth mother lives so you're probably wasting your time talking to an attorney in the DMV if she lives elsewhere.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she want to abort? She could fly to another state that doesn’t hate women.

She originally wanted to abort and now she doesn't. The only other person who knows outside of the child's father is a family friend who is more like a sister to us. Apparently she talked my sister out of it before my sister found out it was illegal in their state. My sister has watched me have several losses over the years and says that she believes this baby is supposed to be with me.

If there's something out there that says the baby is really supposed to be with you, wouldn't that something cause you to give birth to the baby? I only point this out because you keep minimizing the risk that she could change her mind but if some of her thought process isn't clear (and she has already changed her mind about having an abortion); even though it isn't likely, you really should prepare yourself that she could change her mind, even a few days after the birth (in Virignia). That wouldn't be a bad thing, but maybe a hard thing to go through for you since you want kids.

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to adopt ? Are you wanting to be this baby’s parent?

This is the real question, OP. You have given some reasons why it makes sense but is it what YOU want?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Otherwise all it will take is one 23&Me test for this kids world to blow up.

I agree that at some point the child needs to be told the truth. However, I think it will take 2 dNA tests to figure it out. Child must test. Then OP, sister, any other sister, or sister's other child must test. Child will have about 50 per cent DNA from mom and share 25 per cent with bio aunt. Will also share about 25 per cent with half-sister. However, if neither sister tests AND no other offspring test, I don't think someone can say which of two sisters is the bio mom. For example, if a first cousin tests, it could narrow it down to you, your sister and any other sisters you may have, but it won't tell you which sister is the mom.

I think the easiest pathway would be to always tell the child the child is adopted. Just wait a while to tell child who bio mom is. That way, you won't be telling the child a lie. Intra-family adoption is fairly common. If you're not on speaking terms with your mom, just don't mention the adoption. But if you run into a neighbor from childhood, the adoption story should stop any inquiries.

The one possible fly in the ointment is your sister's other child may be the one who tests.

Are you forgetting there’s a sperm donor/father involved here? Any member of his family tree in a genetic database could blow this.

OP is not married. There was always going to be a random dad, presumably she would tell her child he was a sperm donor. I don't think she should do that - honesty is the best and only ethical choice, IMO. But I don't think it's a 23&me problem

Do you want to adopt ? Are you wanting to be this baby’s parent?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she want to abort? She could fly to another state that doesn’t hate women.

She originally wanted to abort and now she doesn't. The only other person who knows outside of the child's father is a family friend who is more like a sister to us. Apparently she talked my sister out of it before my sister found out it was illegal in their state. My sister has watched me have several losses over the years and says that she believes this baby is supposed to be with me.

I am supportive of the adoption idea, but I just want to point out that this is a messed up thing for your sister to say to you. Especially if she changes her mind down the road. Talk to a therapist. Since this is a family situation and you have a good relationship with your sister, you have plenty of time to speak to a lawyer.

OP best wishes to you in this very stressful time. But please tell this baby early on that they are adopted and that your sister is the mother. My BIL was in a similar situation and was not told until HS that his Aunt who lived across the street was really his mother. It severely messed him up!

I think if you want a baby, this is a blessing for you. Butt make sure you do it all legally and irrevocably.