Reply to Changing children’s last name to biological mom who used sperm donor

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Reply to "Changing children’s last name to biological mom who used sperm donor"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I am also a single mom with donor-conceived twins. In a way, I wish I was in your situation: kids have a father/father-figure and you get financial assistance too. Not a bad deal.  What is your main motivation? Are you wishing you start dating and finding a "real" boyfriend? Would your ex be ok with that? Are your kids attached to their "father" ad vice versa? It is very tough bringing kids up all alone, so I hope you do appreciate him.[/quote]

OP here.  I appreciate his relationship with the kids.  I regret not giving the kids my last name, done partly out of deep seated cultural shame of having a blank space where it says father on the birth certificate.  We live like roommates.  He spends most of his time at home, severely underemployed, depressed.  Resentful because when I gave them his name and put his name on the birth certificate, I expected that we would be. team working together for our future.  He was going to marry me, but that ship has sailed.   I don't want to leave him for another person.  I just don't know if I can do another almost decade living like roommates.  He will not be paying for the kids college and doesn't pay for any of their activities, health insurance, anything at all.  Yes, his mom pays for HIS house; I am not on the deed and he won't put me on.  He is in major debt.  I am 2000 miles away from all my family.  In hindsight, I wish I had just raised them with my family around.  He doesn't even want to tell the kids that he is not their bio dad until they are adults.  I vehemently disagree with this. My family knows about the donor; he doesn't want to ever tell his family.  I do have a letter from my cryobank and the my fertility doctor as to the fact that I used donor sperm.  Maybe that may help when I have to put the kids through college and he won't pay for anything.  I am meeting a lawyer tomorrow to make my will and find out options for the name change.  I am open to keeping his name as the middle and mine as the last.  He is getting the privilege of being a dad without the financial responsibility.  I can't leave because I don't want to give up time with my kids.  So I need to find a way to make peace with this situation.  I will not get in the way of his relationship with the kids, but they are being raised in a home where there is no affection between us, but lots of affection towards them, so perhaps that is what's needed most anyway.  They know we are not married and we sleep separately so perhaps they see us as two people raising kids, and that's the best we can do right now.  [/quote]

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