Anonymous wrote:OP, I am also a single mom with donor-conceived twins. In a way, I wish I was in your situation: kids have a father/father-figure and you get financial assistance too. Not a bad deal. What is your main motivation? Are you wishing you start dating and finding a "real" boyfriend? Would your ex be ok with that? Are your kids attached to their "father" ad vice versa? It is very tough bringing kids up all alone, so I hope you do appreciate him.

OP here. I appreciate his relationship with the kids. I regret not giving the kids my last name, done partly out of deep seated cultural shame of having a blank space where it says father on the birth certificate. We live like roommates. He spends most of his time at home, severely underemployed, depressed. Resentful because when I gave them his name and put his name on the birth certificate, I expected that we would be. team working together for our future. He was going to marry me, but that ship has sailed. I don't want to leave him for another person. I just don't know if I can do another almost decade living like roommates. He will not be paying for the kids college and doesn't pay for any of their activities, health insurance, anything at all. Yes, his mom pays for HIS house; I am not on the deed and he won't put me on. He is in major debt. I am 2000 miles away from all my family. In hindsight, I wish I had just raised them with my family around. He doesn't even want to tell the kids that he is not their bio dad until they are adults. I vehemently disagree with this. My family knows about the donor; he doesn't want to ever tell his family. I do have a letter from my cryobank and the my fertility doctor as to the fact that I used donor sperm. Maybe that may help when I have to put the kids through college and he won't pay for anything. I am meeting a lawyer tomorrow to make my will and find out options for the name change. I am open to keeping his name as the middle and mine as the last. He is getting the privilege of being a dad without the financial responsibility. I can't leave because I don't want to give up time with my kids. So I need to find a way to make peace with this situation. I will not get in the way of his relationship with the kids, but they are being raised in a home where there is no affection between us, but lots of affection towards them, so perhaps that is what's needed most anyway. They know we are not married and we sleep separately so perhaps they see us as two people raising kids, and that's the best we can do right now.

Op, did you buy chance lie to him and tell him he's the bio father?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a train wreck!!!

+1


OP would have done better had she paid some attention to her "conservative culture"

She did…that’s the problem. Otherwise the kids would have had their actual parent’s last name.

You used a sperm donor and still gave them some dude's last name? Wow.
I wanted to use a donor specifically so that I could give them my name and not have a husband to argue with about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It will only be possible to change the last name if he agrees. Also I don’t see how you will remove him from the birth certificate. It’s hard to terminate parental rights.

Why would that be so if biologically they are hers and not his?

She will need a paternity test to prove that he is not the biological father. Once his name is on the birth certificate, that is the legal presumption and must be disproved.

The paternity test probably wouldn't make a difference anyway. He's the legal father of these kids, biological or not. He would need to willingly terminate his parental rights AND there would need to be another person willing to adopt the kids. A mom cannot just decide for no reason she no longer wants the dad's name on the birth certificate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It will only be possible to change the last name if he agrees. Also I don’t see how you will remove him from the birth certificate. It’s hard to terminate parental rights.

Why would that be so if biologically they are hers and not his?

Because he's the legal dad. When a child is born, affidavits are signed. The signature is saying "I'm the father of this child," regardless of biology. To my knowledge, no state requires a genetic test.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It will only be possible to change the last name if he agrees. Also I don’t see how you will remove him from the birth certificate. It’s hard to terminate parental rights.

Why would that be so if biologically they are hers and not his?

She will need a paternity test to prove that he is not the biological father. Once his name is on the birth certificate, that is the legal presumption and must be disproved.

But even if he does a DNA test, he has rights. He's the father.

Anonymous wrote:Also, if the dad isn't really involved, could she do a paternity test (and prove he's not the genetic dad)?

It might depend on where you live, but in my state, a judge won't "bastardize" a child, as they say. DNA doesn't matter, the guy on the birth cert is the father (unless, inexplicably, she was married to someone when the kids were born; the husband might be considered the father even if he is NOT on the birth cert). But in OP's situation, they can't just remove a name from the certificate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You said he pays for your housing. Stop diminishing his financial support for your children. And you.

OP here. I didn't give details, but his mom gives him a check every month for the condo. So it's his family who gives him financial support. I didn't know this either. And he chose not to tell me. Anyway, I am working through the financial resentment, but it's hard. He spends most of his time at home.

Does his family know these are not his bio children?

Anonymous wrote:

You said he pays for your housing. Stop diminishing his financial support for your children. And you.