Reply to How to drop the rope re mental load?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye  [/quote]

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy[/quote]

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.[/quote]

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.[/quote]

He’s a good father for the fun stuff, does bare minimum for basics. Not on his radar to give bath or cut nails or order diapers etc. obviously this isn’t just about what’s I the refrigerator…

It’s what it all represents and how he treats me. I’m the default. Assumes that I have it handled or should. Yet no thanks or appreciation that I have. It’s the fact that he treats me like a traditional sahm in terms of expectations yet I’ve outearned him for years. It’s the telling me “you taking 5 seconds to give me info vs my taking 5 min to figure it out…which makes more sense”

It’s that I don’t respect him as a partner. These aren’t just my kids.[/quote]

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