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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

This is patriarchy, and women have ALWAYS been complicit in it. It's men, it's women, it's everyone upholding a system in which women work for others, whether it's men or their elders or their children. The whole concept of "feminine labor" (cooking, cleaning, childcare, hostessing, maintaining relationships) is premised on the idea that women need to pay our way through life by taking care of everyone else. It's premised on the idea that we are not enough just as we are, before we've done anything for anyone. Which is how men get to go through the world. Can you imagine?[/quote]

Yes, exactly.[/quote]

+2  I know this is just an excerpt from a longer post but this part really resonated with me.  My mother was definitely complicit in this and my ILs also had these expectations.  It didn't help that DH's sister (who is fabulous and I love) does ALL of these things.  She likes doing some of it but not to the extent DH's side of the family expect of her.  I've been quite the black sheep because I recognized early on that they expected me to follow suit and I didn't.

We were deployed when we started dating so I had no contact with my now ILs for the first 2 years of our relationship. The first Christmas we were back, I soon realized his mother had always purchased Christmas gifts on his behalf and I was now expected to do so.  I gave now-DH some choices:  he could identify and make the gift purchases; he could do nothing or we could make a donation in their name to their favorite charity.  He chose the charity route.  Every since, I have been the 'bad' woman who refuses to meet their expectations.  We've been married 25 years and it's only been since the death of my ILs and their similar-age relatives that I've actually been welcomed to family events. It's not been pleasant but I'm SO very glad I never picked up the rope.  [/quote]

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