Reply to If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?[/quote]

The problem is that this person allowed themselves to get to this level through their own rationalization. You could say the same thing about other bad behaviors. Once a stealer always a stealer or once a liar always a liar or once a physical abuser always a physical abuser. Basically it takes that person realizing that they crossed a line and realize that they themselves never want to cross that line again and because the spouse holds the cards to enabling this behavior or not they are stuck either living with someone and not holding them accountable or leaving with the likelihood that they won't return. As the victim they aren't a bystander who can hold the person accountable without major repercussions to the relationship and their life. Most of the time the cheater has rationalized the decision and feels guilty about causing the stress in the marriage but not about the act and so because they haven't rationalized the actual act as bad, it's likely to repeat.[/quote]

As a BW who reconciled I'd just say that I don't think it's as cut and dried as "staying = enabling" and "leaving = consequences." In a deeply intimate relationship (that's the goal, right?) there's no way to stay with a partner that you've harmed without facing their pain. Every relationship is different, but I know in my relationship, my DH had to put a lot more mental and emotional energy into analyzing himself and changing than he would have if we'd divorced. Even if he were a person without empathy who didn't hurt when faced with my pain, he still had to go through all that time listening to me, thinking about my triggers, giving up most of his social life (which he reintroduced slowly and mindfully), reorganizing the power dynamics in our marriage, time in therapy, etc.

I agree that sweeping infidelity under the rug is bound to bite you sooner or later. Even if cheating doesn't recur, other selfish and harmful behavior no doubt will. But if you've tried to repair the relationship with an eye to restorative justice then it likely wasn't some fun and easy time for the WS.[/quote]

+1  People who are motivated to change and had personal issues/bad coping skills can and do change.  Any WS doing 'the time' is not having an easy go at it.  It's forcing them to look at some really ugly truths about themselves and likely to sit with guilt and bad feelings for the very first time---learning how to feel that.  Many of these people never sat or even knew what that felt like.  Doing therapy, changing their actions, getting anger help/communication help, someone to unpack the childhood issues, etc., can really make them a different, 'healthy' person. IF the strong love was there to begin with and the compatibility and friendship, the family and relationship can be rebuilt, and the next half can be even happier and deeper in intimacy than when the marriage started out---you have laid it all out and seen the barest bones of someone.  But, yeah, the WS will be dealing with these ramifications, living in a different way, thinking in a different way and providing complete transparency and trying to forsee potential triggers to help win back the trust.  It is an on-going thing.  But, they have to be ready and want to change.  If you rug sweep or they don't really care and are just playing along---it's noticeable and its bound to fail.  I would take personal stories/anecdotes and responses on here very lightly.  It all depends on your marriage, your relationship, the people involved and the type of transgressions.  There is not a blanket answer and, I'm sorry, NOBODY can know what they would do if they were actually faced with this situation IRL with kids and friends and a long, loving history.  IT's much different if you are just dating or don't have kids, houses, inlaws, long relations and decades invested.[/quote]

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