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[quote=Anonymous][quote]I’m so sorry. I get it all too well. I was totally blindsided, as was everyone who knew him closely.

It’s heart breaking to read how it affected your kids.

[b]The mental issues that happen with the blind side are so awful because your reality is so distorted. It literally hurts your brain to not trust anything is real ever after.[/b]

Best of luck. [/quote]

Thanks.  I don't want to take the thread off on a tangent about the mental issues of being blindsided by an affair, but it is severe.  It makes you question your own sanity, severs your ability to trust your own intuition - this many years out, I still cant trust my own judgment when it comes to relationships.  It changes your personality in ways you hate - for the first 40 years of myself, I was the kind of person who probably trusted too easily.  I trusted significant people in my life until I had a reason not to ..... Malcom Gladwell talks about the "default to truth" theory that underpins all human interactions as one of the most important elements of behavioral psychology that enabled humans to organize into larger and more complex social groups over time.  More simply put, it's more important to survival for humans to be able to have efficient and cooperative social encounters than it is for humans to detect lies.

Although I still very much miss my former (naive?) self, I realize my default has shifted to assuming deception.  Whenever I'm not physically with the person I'm dating, my subconscious assumes they are with someone else.  I never call them, because if they don't pick up, I'll have a panic attack.  I've gotten to the place in my healing where my logical brain can override these assumptions, but I do need to make a conscious effort Every. Single. Time. I don't know if I will ever get back to the place where I can skip all that internal negative baggage and assume trust.  It's like learning Santa isn't real .... once that magic is gone, it's never quite the same.

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