Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m so sorry. I get it all too well. I was totally blindsided, as was everyone who knew him closely.

It’s heart breaking to read how it affected your kids.

The mental issues that happen with the blind side are so awful because your reality is so distorted. It literally hurts your brain to not trust anything is real ever after.

Best of luck.

Thanks. I don't want to take the thread off on a tangent about the mental issues of being blindsided by an affair, but it is severe. It makes you question your own sanity, severs your ability to trust your own intuition - this many years out, I still cant trust my own judgment when it comes to relationships. It changes your personality in ways you hate - for the first 40 years of myself, I was the kind of person who probably trusted too easily. I trusted significant people in my life until I had a reason not to ..... Malcom Gladwell talks about the "default to truth" theory that underpins all human interactions as one of the most important elements of behavioral psychology that enabled humans to organize into larger and more complex social groups over time. More simply put, it's more important to survival for humans to be able to have efficient and cooperative social encounters than it is for humans to detect lies.

Although I still very much miss my former (naive?) self, I realize my default has shifted to assuming deception. Whenever I'm not physically with the person I'm dating, my subconscious assumes they are with someone else. I never call them, because if they don't pick up, I'll have a panic attack. I've gotten to the place in my healing where my logical brain can override these assumptions, but I do need to make a conscious effort Every. Single. Time. I don't know if I will ever get back to the place where I can skip all that internal negative baggage and assume trust. It's like learning Santa isn't real .... once that magic is gone, it's never quite the same.

Yes. You explained exactly what I’m going through so well.

Anonymous wrote:

I’m so sorry. I get it all too well. I was totally blindsided, as was everyone who knew him closely.

It’s heart breaking to read how it affected your kids.

The mental issues that happen with the blind side are so awful because your reality is so distorted. It literally hurts your brain to not trust anything is real ever after.

Best of luck.

Thanks. I don't want to take the thread off on a tangent about the mental issues of being blindsided by an affair, but it is severe. It makes you question your own sanity, severs your ability to trust your own intuition - this many years out, I still cant trust my own judgment when it comes to relationships. It changes your personality in ways you hate - for the first 40 years of myself, I was the kind of person who probably trusted too easily. I trusted significant people in my life until I had a reason not to ..... Malcom Gladwell talks about the "default to truth" theory that underpins all human interactions as one of the most important elements of behavioral psychology that enabled humans to organize into larger and more complex social groups over time. More simply put, it's more important to survival for humans to be able to have efficient and cooperative social encounters than it is for humans to detect lies.

Although I still very much miss my former (naive?) self, I realize my default has shifted to assuming deception. Whenever I'm not physically with the person I'm dating, my subconscious assumes they are with someone else. I never call them, because if they don't pick up, I'll have a panic attack. I've gotten to the place in my healing where my logical brain can override these assumptions, but I do need to make a conscious effort Every. Single. Time. I don't know if I will ever get back to the place where I can skip all that internal negative baggage and assume trust. It's like learning Santa isn't real .... once that magic is gone, it's never quite the same.

I’m so sorry. I get it all too well. I was totally blindsided, as was everyone who knew him closely.

It’s heart breaking to read how it affected your kids.

The mental issues that happen with the blind side are so awful because your reality is so distorted. It literally hurts your brain to not trust anything is real ever after.

Best of luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not regret it. But it probably would have been easier logistically with kids to stay married and just have an affair until they were a little older. I offered that alternative to divorce. We never had sex but he still said no.

It's an unpopular opinion but I agree that if you can pull off an affair in a low sex marriage it's a much better alternative than divorce. Eventually, your hormones calm down and you can live happily ever after. Many couples that make it to old age together have undiscovered affairs.

I consider myself really open minded, but that’s not then kind of long-term relationship I would ever want, one where you are life partners until you die, but you’ve kept a fundamental betrayal from that other person. That’s pretty gross actually. I would sooner have an open affair and try to maintain my marriage than do something like that. I’m not sure how someone even considers that a quality relationship.

They are not considering it a quality relationship. They consider it to stay married for other reasons than the relationship itself. Like surviving a bad marriage for kids, finances, etc. the relationship is obviously not quality to begin with in these situations. Happily married people will never understand how bad a marriage has to be to consider this or divorce.

It's definitely both. But as a society we downplay women's sexuality to an incredible degree. I can't tell you how many of my friends have no idea what their bodies are capable of because they have been shamed into lying on their backs with only one partner for their entire life. I get the benefits to society but the individuals are robbed of so much in this framework. I believe fully in monogamy but to assume it's working perfectly for women is a total sham.

Nah. Some men do this for a midlife crisis and it’s nothing to do with the quality of the relationship or the wife. It’s pretty common in 50-year marriages for a lapse, even the very happy marriages.

Is it really just man? After reading DC board for a while, I learned that there are many lonely, horny wives in sexless marriage who are looking for men who will satisfy their needs..

Anonymous wrote:I met this man on a work course years ago (nothing romantic) who said he'd left his wife after their first child was born. She went onto remarry eventually and had a bunch more kids. He was still single, years later after pursuing various women (normally younger). And he said it was his biggest regret, that he wished he was the man living with his ex wife and all those kids, that they all were his. It was really heart breaking to hear. He told only me at the time, it wasn't like it was a big room of people, it was in a one-on-one but I didn't know what to say, because there was nothing that could make it better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not regret it. But it probably would have been easier logistically with kids to stay married and just have an affair until they were a little older. I offered that alternative to divorce. We never had sex but he still said no.

It's an unpopular opinion but I agree that if you can pull off an affair in a low sex marriage it's a much better alternative than divorce. Eventually, your hormones calm down and you can live happily ever after. Many couples that make it to old age together have undiscovered affairs.

I consider myself really open minded, but that’s not then kind of long-term relationship I would ever want, one where you are life partners until you die, but you’ve kept a fundamental betrayal from that other person. That’s pretty gross actually. I would sooner have an open affair and try to maintain my marriage than do something like that. I’m not sure how someone even considers that a quality relationship.

They are not considering it a quality relationship. They consider it to stay married for other reasons than the relationship itself. Like surviving a bad marriage for kids, finances, etc. the relationship is obviously not quality to begin with in these situations. Happily married people will never understand how bad a marriage has to be to consider this or divorce.

Nah. Some men do this for a midlife crisis and it’s nothing to do with the quality of the relationship or the wife. It’s pretty common in 50-year marriages for a lapse, even the very happy marriages.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a tough question, OP. I was married 17 years and blindsided by my ex’s affair. Yes, blindsided. For those who don’t think it is possible to truly be blindsided, well, you are lucky to have not had that experience because it does a real number on your mental state.

I won’t say I regret the divorce, but I do regret the impact it all had on our children. And I do think if Looking back (I’m 5+ years out from divorce) I can much better understand how my marriage broke down and see that it was completely fixable.

I regret that divorce meant I lose half my time with my children.
I regret that my ex’s affair resulted in the break up of two families, totaling 5 children.
I regret that my kids were old enough to remember Daddy’s new girlfriend was his admin assistant, and figure out that the timeline didn’t add up.
I regret that my ex insisted on keeping our kids and her kids in the same custody schedule, so as to maximize their kid free time after they moved in together.
I regret that my formerly easygoing and happy son attempted suicide twice within the first 6 months of his dad moving in with his affair partner.

I do think our issues were fixable and could have avoided all of those issues. But I’m also much happier with my life as a single mom than I was when I was married. I love that I’m in charge of my own destiny, that I don’t have to coddle a man-child who is literally incapable of expressing his feelings, yet resents me for not reading his mind. I love my dating life, my time with my kids, and my unfiltered, Uncompromised version of 100% ME that I now get to be and share with my kids.

I’m so sorry. I get it all too well. I was totally blindsided, as was everyone who knew him closely.

It’s heart breaking to read how it affected your kids.

The mental issues that happen with the blind side are so awful because your reality is so distorted. It literally hurts your brain to not trust anything is real ever after.

Best of luck.

Anonymous wrote:I would tell others to take their time and make sure you’re compatible. I don’t regret divorce. I regret getting married.

Anonymous wrote:It’s a tough question, OP. I was married 17 years and blindsided by my ex’s affair. Yes, blindsided. For those who don’t think it is possible to truly be blindsided, well, you are lucky to have not had that experience because it does a real number on your mental state.

I won’t say I regret the divorce, but I do regret the impact it all had on our children. And I do think if Looking back (I’m 5+ years out from divorce) I can much better understand how my marriage broke down and see that it was completely fixable.

I regret that divorce meant I lose half my time with my children.
I regret that my ex’s affair resulted in the break up of two families, totaling 5 children.
I regret that my kids were old enough to remember Daddy’s new girlfriend was his admin assistant, and figure out that the timeline didn’t add up.
I regret that my ex insisted on keeping our kids and her kids in the same custody schedule, so as to maximize their kid free time after they moved in together.
I regret that my formerly easygoing and happy son attempted suicide twice within the first 6 months of his dad moving in with his affair partner.

I do think our issues were fixable and could have avoided all of those issues. But I’m also much happier with my life as a single mom than I was when I was married. I love that I’m in charge of my own destiny, that I don’t have to coddle a man-child who is literally incapable of expressing his feelings, yet resents me for not reading his mind. I love my dating life, my time with my kids, and my unfiltered, Uncompromised version of 100% ME that I now get to be and share with my kids.

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I had a failed marriage but I don't regret leaving my wife, if that makes sense

It was like living with a cop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret, but didn’t initiate it. He’s left after inheriting his mom’s estate, after 32 years. Low conflict marriage, keep dps not fully independent. If he had waited a few years, there would have been less collateral damage.

Wait longer? After 32 years? That makes no sense.

Well, yes. If he could have increased time in a low conflict marriage by 1/32, kids would have had both parents though high school. We could have had conversations not overhead by kids re: separating, etc. instead he went scored earth, with accompanying legal fees.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not regret it. But it probably would have been easier logistically with kids to stay married and just have an affair until they were a little older. I offered that alternative to divorce. We never had sex but he still said no.

It's an unpopular opinion but I agree that if you can pull off an affair in a low sex marriage it's a much better alternative than divorce. Eventually, your hormones calm down and you can live happily ever after. Many couples that make it to old age together have undiscovered affairs.

I consider myself really open minded, but that’s not then kind of long-term relationship I would ever want, one where you are life partners until you die, but you’ve kept a fundamental betrayal from that other person. That’s pretty gross actually. I would sooner have an open affair and try to maintain my marriage than do something like that. I’m not sure how someone even considers that a quality relationship.

They are not considering it a quality relationship. They consider it to stay married for other reasons than the relationship itself. Like surviving a bad marriage for kids, finances, etc. the relationship is obviously not quality to begin with in these situations. Happily married people will never understand how bad a marriage has to be to consider this or divorce.

Nah. Some men do this for a midlife crisis and it’s nothing to do with the quality of the relationship or the wife. It’s pretty common in 50-year marriages for a lapse, even the very happy marriages.

It’s wives looking for exit affairs. Fundamentally different than the men.