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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think what the social workers and doctor are explaining OP, is something, is something we, the family members don't really understand until we are thrown into this. If the elderly person is stubborn, but deemed capable of making her own decisions, the professionals arr REQUIRED to follow her wishes. They cannot force anything.

Many of our relatives would like to think we have the magical powers we thought doctors and social workers had. They think we can somehow convince and force our highly difficult parents to do what the rest of think is best for them. To them you just say "I welcome your help. Please call her and tell her what to do and let me know how that goes."

I too had dreams of mom surrounded by friends playing card games at a lovely residential facility. For whatever reason she prefers living in her house of horrors as she scares off more and more friends. Her house has been adapted as much as it can for aging, but is still not appropriate. This is what she wants. Now she also wants US to become most of her social life as she has rage fits at us, guilt trips and tantrums. That is where I draw the line. We check on her and have a social worker checking on her, but we are not going to ENABLE. I spent years being at her beckon call. Now we have hired help and she scares them off then she and the social worker can work together to try someone new. I don't answer the phone when she calls to whine after she scared off and verbally abused another aide because I know if I go there, the abuse will turn on me.

It is not ideal, but this is her choice not ours. Took me a long time and some therapy to accept this and draw boundaries. The anger will do you in OP. My health has improved since I got help and learned to accept reality.[/quote]

This.  Your hostility towards social workers is misplaced, OP.  No one, including them, have magical powers to convince people to change their minds to align with your wishes.  Yes, it sucks, but lashing out does exactly nothing to improve the situation.[/quote]

I am the one this person is responding too and what I was doing was scapegoating. My relatives scapegoated me when mom refused to move. I scapegoated all the professionals at first until i learned to accept reality. I didn't know the legal rights of elderly, even nutty difficult elderly who are not the most rational. Mom, a very bright and capable lady, made all her decisions about her future while of sound mind. I was so angry at our social worker (though i didn't show it because I knew I needed her since she could evaluate mom). Her job was to follow mom's wishes and keep assessing mom's needs. I am glad I never showed my anger to her because it comes in handy when a sibling tries to scapegoat me I simply refer them to her for a recent professional assessment of how she is doing. If they complain about her I simply ask them to review the law or talk to a lawyer and then get back to me. One sibling did consult and attorney and after spending that money she understood there was nothing we could do, but keep in touch with mom, visit, consult with social worker and have boundaries.[/quote]

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