Reply to Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP,

You married a man who has SN himself. Then you had 2 children with him.

You can make the best of the status quo or take on the logistical and financial burdens of 2 households, trading off stability for the kids and how much you can spend on help for your SN child and outsourcing help for yourself.

The issue is you have buyers remorse now, but you had 2 kids. The issue was not his job but his neurological SN, so changing jobs did not change anything.

Characterizing him as fully capable but "lazy" is unhelpful and toxic to your health and family. Did he have the interventions your SN child gets? If you read on this sub you should realize many married men like this, have a "SN" kid who takes after him and find DH cannot hold a stable job. So, in that sense, with plenty of money to hire capable help AND having family who moved to help, you are fortunate.

OP, have you been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? That often seems to be a pattern I have observed IRL with women drawn to men with ADD and the related mental health, social and executive function challenges, many may also have Asperger's.

You are not alone, OP. You have a choice in how you react to things in your life. You seem driven to change things as a personality style but your spouse's brain is not one of those things. You can try to talk with him about an evaluation and medication but ultimately it is his choice. How you react to things you cannot change is fully within your control.

https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/non-add-spouse-add-spouse[/quote]

I am a previous poster who divorced a man with untreated ADHD plus he was lazy and lacked integrity.

First, my "anxiety disorder" got much better after I settled into post divorce life.  He still does some horrible things as a co-parent that can trigger me, but now that I'm far removed from him, I can handle the triggers without spiraling into a bad place.  For a long time I referred to my ex as "the darkness" because that is what he brought into my life.

Second, I have found the logistical and financial challenges of divorce to be much easier to deal with than staying married. Even though I now have more than 80% of parenting time (because he kept violating our parenting agreement in egregious ways and has been held in contempt over and over), and I pay my ex a small amount of child support, and I pay for 100% of the costs of raising our child.  It worked out because a year after I left my ex, my career took off and I started reaching my potential.  It was like a dark cloud was lifted and I could breath and succeed again.    I now make plenty of money and our kid does not go without.  He's on travel sports and music lessons and has a great life, and I am happy to be able to provide for him.  After several years of rocking single life, I remarried a man who is hardworking, intelligent and has strong morals.  Everyone loves him - my friends, family, kid and most of all, me.  It's not the end of the world to give up on someone when you've given it everything you can and you have nothing left.   Maybe your marriage can be saved, but I wouldn't let fear of moving on hold you back if that's the only thing keeping you together. [/quote]

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