Anonymous
12/10/2021 17:13
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH probably has ADHD and might be on the spectrum and might even be depressed but he is unwilling to get help for any of those things, despite my urging.
The problem is I truly need his help with our two young kids and household, and he continually drops the ball on things, and I am full of resentment.
I have done:
-individual and couples therapy
-antidepressants
-getting a less demanding job myself so I have more time to do household/kid stuff
-helping DH get a less demanding job, which he landed but which has not resulted in him doing any extra work
-getting one of our healthy parents to move close to us to help with kids
-outsourcing and automating as much as we possibly can. We have childcare 7 days a week.
Is there any way I can stop being an angry, resentful shrew every waking minute of the day? I have of course considered divorce but I am unsure it will actually help my stress level, because then I will be coparenting with an unreliable, disorganized, disengaged person. I worry the logistics will get more complicated and I will end up actually having more on my plate if we divorce.
I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I cannot do it all, and I cannot count on DH. I am so tired.
I would seriously consider divorce, maybe in a few years when both kids are in school, but for now I think you drop the rope with him and prioritize. It sounds like you have two other adults helping with childcare so what are examples of things you are doing that you would like your husband to do?
Op here. Recently I was flying across the country for a funeral in my family. I planned to take our oldest child with me. The morning we were supposed to depart, our child got into an accident and badly injured himself. I took him to the ER and the ER prescribed antibiotics. We were running super late and it was down to the wire whether we’d make it to our flight on time. I didn’t have time to go to the pharmacy so asked DH to see if we could get the antibiotic prescription filled when we arrived. DH agreed to handle it.
DH’s version of “handling it” was to send me the name of a target near my hotel. I thought this meant he had called them to verify that they had the medication and would take the prescription from another state. I was wrong. I get to the target and it doesn’t even have a pharmacy. It’s 8 PM and I was on my own with our kid and ended up having to call around while sitting on a bench outside target trying to find a pharmacy that was nearby and open and had the medication. It took 9 phone calls and three uber rides but I finally got it.
Unless the funeral was your parents, I have no idea why you went with your oldest kid who just got out of the ER. Leave him home.
Agree. I often am on the side of the OPs with the dysfunctional husbands, as I used to be in a similar situation...but OP, I don't think this story illustrates what you think it does. You could have left your "badly injured" (OPs words) child home, which would have been my choice if the injury really was bad. Also, I guess I don't see why the prescription was so burdensome that it was something you felt the need to outsource to DH, especially since you are aware of his limitations -- you had time while waiting in the airport, or in the uber on the way to the hotel, to do a quick google search for pharmacies and make some calls. If my spouse asked me to do this for them I would be pretty puzzled as to why.
Truly. You call the home pharmacy, explain why you cannot pick it up, and have them tell you where you can get it. These chains are all over the place. Or you ask the ER to help you. And that is putting aside the decision to take a child who had gotten into a "serious accident" across the country THAT MORNING.
i think a lot of these dysfunctional spouse threads are from people who are dysfunctional themselves. And I wonder whether the supposedly dysfunctional spouse just becomes sick of dealing with an irrational person.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 17:08
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
Anonymous
12/10/2021 16:50
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH probably has ADHD and might be on the spectrum and might even be depressed but he is unwilling to get help for any of those things, despite my urging.
The problem is I truly need his help with our two young kids and household, and he continually drops the ball on things, and I am full of resentment.
I have done:
-individual and couples therapy
-antidepressants
-getting a less demanding job myself so I have more time to do household/kid stuff
-helping DH get a less demanding job, which he landed but which has not resulted in him doing any extra work
-getting one of our healthy parents to move close to us to help with kids
-outsourcing and automating as much as we possibly can. We have childcare 7 days a week.
Is there any way I can stop being an angry, resentful shrew every waking minute of the day? I have of course considered divorce but I am unsure it will actually help my stress level, because then I will be coparenting with an unreliable, disorganized, disengaged person. I worry the logistics will get more complicated and I will end up actually having more on my plate if we divorce.
I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I cannot do it all, and I cannot count on DH. I am so tired.
I would seriously consider divorce, maybe in a few years when both kids are in school, but for now I think you drop the rope with him and prioritize. It sounds like you have two other adults helping with childcare so what are examples of things you are doing that you would like your husband to do?
Op here. Recently I was flying across the country for a funeral in my family. I planned to take our oldest child with me. The morning we were supposed to depart, our child got into an accident and badly injured himself. I took him to the ER and the ER prescribed antibiotics. We were running super late and it was down to the wire whether we’d make it to our flight on time. I didn’t have time to go to the pharmacy so asked DH to see if we could get the antibiotic prescription filled when we arrived. DH agreed to handle it.
DH’s version of “handling it” was to send me the name of a target near my hotel. I thought this meant he had called them to verify that they had the medication and would take the prescription from another state. I was wrong. I get to the target and it doesn’t even have a pharmacy. It’s 8 PM and I was on my own with our kid and ended up having to call around while sitting on a bench outside target trying to find a pharmacy that was nearby and open and had the medication. It took 9 phone calls and three uber rides but I finally got it.
Unless the funeral was your parents, I have no idea why you went with your oldest kid who just got out of the ER. Leave him home.
Agree. I often am on the side of the OPs with the dysfunctional husbands, as I used to be in a similar situation...but OP, I don't think this story illustrates what you think it does. You could have left your "badly injured" (OPs words) child home, which would have been my choice if the injury really was bad. Also, I guess I don't see why the prescription was so burdensome that it was something you felt the need to outsource to DH, especially since you are aware of his limitations -- you had time while waiting in the airport, or in the uber on the way to the hotel, to do a quick google search for pharmacies and make some calls. If my spouse asked me to do this for them I would be pretty puzzled as to why.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 16:34
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, in general, you're living a life too close to the edge
Calm the family schedule down, down to a speed you could handle if it were just you.
This. And drop the ball. Get food for only you and the kids, he can do whatever, at least a few times a week. Do the bare minimum for you and the kids to be dressed and ready and not have mice in the house. Only wash your clothes and the kids clothes, dh has to do his.
It sounds like you have higher standards OP, I would lower them and not do anything for him.
Yep I dropped this ball. I asked DH for help with laundry for literally 10 years before I realized that he would say 'sure' just to get me off his back, not because he ever intended to help. My DH now does his own laundry, takes and picks up his own clothes from the dry cleaners, makes the food he eats if he doesn't want what I made for the family (he goes through phases where he tries to be vegan, paleo, etc. and it was exhausting to try to find something everyone else would eat that fit his current diet), takes care of the maintenance for the car he drives, does all of the kid stuff when I'm away for a work trip (I used to make a lasagna or something that he could heat up, no longer). He wasn't happy about these changes, but he adapted. I do everything essential for the kids and much of the non-essential stuff, so I'm still shouldering most of the burden, but my attitude is much improved.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 16:03
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP,
You married a man who has SN himself. Then you had 2 children with him.
You can make the best of the status quo or take on the logistical and financial burdens of 2 households, trading off stability for the kids and how much you can spend on help for your SN child and outsourcing help for yourself.
The issue is you have buyers remorse now, but you had 2 kids. The issue was not his job but his neurological SN, so changing jobs did not change anything.
Characterizing him as fully capable but "lazy" is unhelpful and toxic to your health and family. Did he have the interventions your SN child gets? If you read on this sub you should realize many married men like this, have a "SN" kid who takes after him and find DH cannot hold a stable job. So, in that sense, with plenty of money to hire capable help AND having family who moved to help, you are fortunate.
OP, have you been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? That often seems to be a pattern I have observed IRL with women drawn to men with ADD and the related mental health, social and executive function challenges, many may also have Asperger's.
You are not alone, OP. You have a choice in how you react to things in your life. You seem driven to change things as a personality style but your spouse's brain is not one of those things. You can try to talk with him about an evaluation and medication but ultimately it is his choice. How you react to things you cannot change is fully within your control.
https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/non-add-spouse-add-spouse
I am a previous poster who divorced a man with untreated ADHD plus he was lazy and lacked integrity.
First, my "anxiety disorder" got much better after I settled into post divorce life. He still does some horrible things as a co-parent that can trigger me, but now that I'm far removed from him, I can handle the triggers without spiraling into a bad place. For a long time I referred to my ex as "the darkness" because that is what he brought into my life.
Second, I have found the logistical and financial challenges of divorce to be much easier to deal with than staying married. Even though I now have more than 80% of parenting time (because he kept violating our parenting agreement in egregious ways and has been held in contempt over and over), and I pay my ex a small amount of child support, and I pay for 100% of the costs of raising our child. It worked out because a year after I left my ex, my career took off and I started reaching my potential. It was like a dark cloud was lifted and I could breath and succeed again. I now make plenty of money and our kid does not go without. He's on travel sports and music lessons and has a great life, and I am happy to be able to provide for him. After several years of rocking single life, I remarried a man who is hardworking, intelligent and has strong morals. Everyone loves him - my friends, family, kid and most of all, me. It's not the end of the world to give up on someone when you've given it everything you can and you have nothing left. Maybe your marriage can be saved, but I wouldn't let fear of moving on hold you back if that's the only thing keeping you together.
I am really, really happy for you. So glad you found a way to get away from "the darkness" and that it's brought you greater peace and freedom. I have no idea what the right move is for OP, but I'm really glad that you figured out what it was for you.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 15:26
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
OP, could DH be making a lot more money? If so, that might be a better way to go, if you could emotionally let go of expectations other than he works or spends "fun" time one on one with each kid.
If you have anxiety, addressing it is a huge gift to yourself and your health.
If you have anxiety, addressing it is a huge gift to yourself and your health.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 15:23
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
what is your job? what is your income compared to his? do you even like him? what is his income?
in your case where he can't won't even do something you specifically asked, idk if i would want to be married to that for the rest of my life.
if he blows up at you for reminding him, bust blow up right back. he doesn't have any excuse!
while divorce will put it all on your plate, at least you won't expect any help from your a-hole DH.
in your case where he can't won't even do something you specifically asked, idk if i would want to be married to that for the rest of my life.
if he blows up at you for reminding him, bust blow up right back. he doesn't have any excuse!
while divorce will put it all on your plate, at least you won't expect any help from your a-hole DH.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 15:05
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
Anonymous wrote:OP,
You married a man who has SN himself. Then you had 2 children with him.
You can make the best of the status quo or take on the logistical and financial burdens of 2 households, trading off stability for the kids and how much you can spend on help for your SN child and outsourcing help for yourself.
The issue is you have buyers remorse now, but you had 2 kids. The issue was not his job but his neurological SN, so changing jobs did not change anything.
Characterizing him as fully capable but "lazy" is unhelpful and toxic to your health and family. Did he have the interventions your SN child gets? If you read on this sub you should realize many married men like this, have a "SN" kid who takes after him and find DH cannot hold a stable job. So, in that sense, with plenty of money to hire capable help AND having family who moved to help, you are fortunate.
OP, have you been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? That often seems to be a pattern I have observed IRL with women drawn to men with ADD and the related mental health, social and executive function challenges, many may also have Asperger's.
You are not alone, OP. You have a choice in how you react to things in your life. You seem driven to change things as a personality style but your spouse's brain is not one of those things. You can try to talk with him about an evaluation and medication but ultimately it is his choice. How you react to things you cannot change is fully within your control.
https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/non-add-spouse-add-spouse
I am a previous poster who divorced a man with untreated ADHD plus he was lazy and lacked integrity.
First, my "anxiety disorder" got much better after I settled into post divorce life. He still does some horrible things as a co-parent that can trigger me, but now that I'm far removed from him, I can handle the triggers without spiraling into a bad place. For a long time I referred to my ex as "the darkness" because that is what he brought into my life.
Second, I have found the logistical and financial challenges of divorce to be much easier to deal with than staying married. Even though I now have more than 80% of parenting time (because he kept violating our parenting agreement in egregious ways and has been held in contempt over and over), and I pay my ex a small amount of child support, and I pay for 100% of the costs of raising our child. It worked out because a year after I left my ex, my career took off and I started reaching my potential. It was like a dark cloud was lifted and I could breath and succeed again. I now make plenty of money and our kid does not go without. He's on travel sports and music lessons and has a great life, and I am happy to be able to provide for him. After several years of rocking single life, I remarried a man who is hardworking, intelligent and has strong morals. Everyone loves him - my friends, family, kid and most of all, me. It's not the end of the world to give up on someone when you've given it everything you can and you have nothing left. Maybe your marriage can be saved, but I wouldn't let fear of moving on hold you back if that's the only thing keeping you together.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 15:02
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
You have childcare 7 days a week? Stop doing it all then. Use your outsourcing and get lost. Seriously. Go “shopping” for 6 hours on Saturday. Leave DH to set up kids with sitter and pay her or whatever. Just…. Leave!
Anonymous
12/10/2021 14:58
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
If you got divorced you could insist on 50-50 custody and he would have to be responsible half the time. However, he would also have to pay for two housing situations, which Reduces the amount of money you can spend on things like nannies
Anonymous
12/10/2021 14:56
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
Read Orlov books and the Kathy Marshack stuff - website, books, meet ups, book some sessions.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 14:51
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, in general, you're living a life too close to the edge
Calm the family schedule down, down to a speed you could handle if it were just you.
This. And drop the ball. Get food for only you and the kids, he can do whatever, at least a few times a week. Do the bare minimum for you and the kids to be dressed and ready and not have mice in the house. Only wash your clothes and the kids clothes, dh has to do his.
It sounds like you have higher standards OP, I would lower them and not do anything for him.
You people are idiots.
No offense, but if OP has an SN child “dropping the ball” doesn’t look like the chicken nuggets for dinner instead of the home cooked meal you’re imagining. It looks like a speech therapist who’s not effective and communicating gets harder than it already is. It looks like worsening behavior and an increasing disconnect from the world. It looks like a service that’s supposed to be covered being denied and you getting a surprise bill for $3,000. There is no real choice except to do the work and spend time with insurance. It’s not having “high standards” it’s that the standards to simply survive with a SN kid take a ton of work. There is now to “calm it down” without paying huge emotional, financial and developmental consequences.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 14:42
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
Anonymous wrote:Do the 180. But do it right. No stomping and being mad. Disengage. And maybe you should have left the oldest child. He needs to feel it. Your child would have lived. As a matter of fact, leave tomorrow after the sitter and go out. No planning anything for them or him. I’m off to go shopping and walk out the door.
This. I don't know about the leaving the child, but if dh isn't going to do anything, why not have him look for higher paying jobs and just have him work all the time?
Drop the rope on any stuff for dh. You don't wash his clothes, he has to do that. You don't make dinner every night, maybe get it when out with the kids, but have food he can fix himself if he needs to.
You assume you have to do all the work to keep yourself and the kids going or schedule all the work the keep it going. The only thing your dh supplies is income. Having him back off at work to do more at home hasn't worked.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 14:34
Subject: Re:Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
You need to leave him, and make sure he knows why.
It's hard and it's not fair but we need to stop letting men get away with this.
It's hard and it's not fair but we need to stop letting men get away with this.
Anonymous
12/10/2021 14:26
Subject: Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?
Anonymous wrote:OP, in general, you're living a life too close to the edge
Calm the family schedule down, down to a speed you could handle if it were just you.
This. And drop the ball. Get food for only you and the kids, he can do whatever, at least a few times a week. Do the bare minimum for you and the kids to be dressed and ready and not have mice in the house. Only wash your clothes and the kids clothes, dh has to do his.
It sounds like you have higher standards OP, I would lower them and not do anything for him.