Reply to “He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???

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Reply to "“He didn’t do this the whole time you were gone”: is it me???"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

I don’t know how demand respect and instill consequences but not shatter our already precarious relationship.

We get tripped up because we don’t know how to parent without fear OR constant bribes and consequences.

He never listens, and he’s extremely argumentative, and he’s rude.

He’s nice elsewhere.

Why is he awful with me?

He’s even starting to say so: “I don’t like being with you because you’re always mean to me”.[/quote]

I've found a couple books really useful, "Hold Onto Your Kids" and "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child". They focus more on building relationships and coaching your child, rather than discipline or rewards. I also took a class in attachment called "Circle of Security". Dr. Gabor Mate also has some good talks on children, I believe there are some on YouTube and as podcasts. Those would be especially useful for you as he talks a lot about AHDH (I believe he has a book on ADHD as well).

As an example, with the disliking a gift and throwing it - my guess is there is something deeper going on. When I've had those issues with my own child, I dig deeper to figure out what is actually going on (which could be anything, from being overly tired, to actually being upset with me for something that happened earlier in the day, to just wanting to spend more time with me). Then I try to coach her to come up with her own conclusion, rather than just punishing her. So we may talk about how it feels when people dislike the gifts we give them, the times we've been hurt by other people, how it makes us feel, do we want to make other people feel that way, what are some other things we can do instead of being angry over a gift we don't like, etc. It's a LOT more work, but I've found it's more effective and lasting than consequences.

I think you also have to recognize what is age-appropriate. Whining, tantrums, yelling, etc are all normal in children because they don't yet have emotional competency. It's our job to teach them, and I don't believe "stop crying" actually teaches them what to do with their emotions, it just teaches them to repress them (and then they bottle up and come out even more explosive later on).

FWIW, my two best friends are both extremely strict disciplinarians and their kids are "poorly behaved" (I hate saying that because it's not the kids' fault, but for lack of better terminology). My parents were very strict disciplinarians and we were all little hell-beasts as a result, especially once we hit middle & high school. Not saying my kid is perfect, but in general she's a delight to be around, we have no problems with hitting or destroying things, and very few tantrums.

I hope that helps :) It's been super effective for us, especially since I don't feel comfortable being a disciplinarian, and permissive parenting didn't work at all for us. [/quote]

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