Ok so I am a big Lansbury fan, but your kid is a bit older than her usual advice (babies/toddler/preschool).

I really like ManifestDestini on instagram. She has some great videos about how to be be a peaceful BUT strong parent. You get respect by holding the line. You don't have to yell. When he argues back you say "I hear you but I still need you to do X". Say it as many times as you need to. "I understand you don't want to, but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do".

Anyhow, good luck OP. You can't be worried about "spoiling" your relationship. You are his mother. He wants boundaries from you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I don’t know how demand respect and instill consequences but not shatter our already precarious relationship.

We get tripped up because we don’t know how to parent without fear OR constant bribes and consequences.

He never listens, and he’s extremely argumentative, and he’s rude.

He’s nice elsewhere.

Why is he awful with me?

He’s even starting to say so: “I don’t like being with you because you’re always mean to me”.

I've found a couple books really useful, "Hold Onto Your Kids" and "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child". They focus more on building relationships and coaching your child, rather than discipline or rewards. I also took a class in attachment called "Circle of Security". Dr. Gabor Mate also has some good talks on children, I believe there are some on YouTube and as podcasts. Those would be especially useful for you as he talks a lot about AHDH (I believe he has a book on ADHD as well).

As an example, with the disliking a gift and throwing it - my guess is there is something deeper going on. When I've had those issues with my own child, I dig deeper to figure out what is actually going on (which could be anything, from being overly tired, to actually being upset with me for something that happened earlier in the day, to just wanting to spend more time with me). Then I try to coach her to come up with her own conclusion, rather than just punishing her. So we may talk about how it feels when people dislike the gifts we give them, the times we've been hurt by other people, how it makes us feel, do we want to make other people feel that way, what are some other things we can do instead of being angry over a gift we don't like, etc. It's a LOT more work, but I've found it's more effective and lasting than consequences.

I think you also have to recognize what is age-appropriate. Whining, tantrums, yelling, etc are all normal in children because they don't yet have emotional competency. It's our job to teach them, and I don't believe "stop crying" actually teaches them what to do with their emotions, it just teaches them to repress them (and then they bottle up and come out even more explosive later on).

FWIW, my two best friends are both extremely strict disciplinarians and their kids are "poorly behaved" (I hate saying that because it's not the kids' fault, but for lack of better terminology). My parents were very strict disciplinarians and we were all little hell-beasts as a result, especially once we hit middle & high school. Not saying my kid is perfect, but in general she's a delight to be around, we have no problems with hitting or destroying things, and very few tantrums.

I hope that helps It's been super effective for us, especially since I don't feel comfortable being a disciplinarian, and permissive parenting didn't work at all for us.

I’m a really positive, fun parent. But I hold the line! If I say not to do something, there’s a swift and clear reaction from me. Like yesterday my 3 year old threw a tantrum at the end of dinner with grandma and grandpa. I immediately picked him up and put him in his car seat and we went home. He was so upset to not get to stay, maybe have dessert. I didn’t have to spank him.

My kids are the opposite of yours op, they act awful at my parents house. They think they can get anything out of my parents. My parents are permissive and always have lots of treats. So I don’t think kids always act better at grandparents houses…

Op, I think you need professional help to learn how to parent this particular kid differently than you’ve been doing.

From a SN parent- Please stop blaming “special needs” OP. You can’t “special needs“ you’re way out of this. Based on your responses, it’s clear that you need some help with your parenting. Numerous posters have tried to point out to you that there is a middle road between authoritarian parenting and the approach that you have taken.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I don’t know how demand respect and instill consequences but not shatter our already precarious relationship.

We get tripped up because we don’t know how to parent without fear OR constant bribes and consequences.

He never listens, and he’s extremely argumentative, and he’s rude.

He’s nice elsewhere.

Why is he awful with me?

He’s even starting to say so: “I don’t like being with you because you’re always mean to me”.

Your relationship is precarious because he doesn’t feel safe with no boundaries at home. Kids push boundaries (especially ones with special needs) and they need you to show them the way because they are out of control and feel scared by not being guided.

Discipline is teaching. You need to teach him the rules at home. Consequences aren’t going to hurt him. Rewards are fine but they can’t be everything. You don’t need to yell at him, but he NEEDS more structure and guidance than you’re giving him. Do you think all of our kids who have consequences for bad behavior hate us? No! My kids love and need me and it’s my job to parent them to grow up to be a productive member of society. You need to separate your past and your own parent issues from how you parent your kid. You will ALL be happier once there’s some structures in place. Maybe look for a parent coach?

You’re so right. I know he fights for control and then gets control and then loses it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I don’t know how demand respect and instill consequences but not shatter our already precarious relationship.

We get tripped up because we don’t know how to parent without fear OR constant bribes and consequences.

He never listens, and he’s extremely argumentative, and he’s rude.

He’s nice elsewhere.

Why is he awful with me?

He’s even starting to say so: “I don’t like being with you because you’re always mean to me”.

Your relationship is precarious because he doesn’t feel safe with no boundaries at home. Kids push boundaries (especially ones with special needs) and they need you to show them the way because they are out of control and feel scared by not being guided.

Discipline is teaching. You need to teach him the rules at home. Consequences aren’t going to hurt him. Rewards are fine but they can’t be everything. You don’t need to yell at him, but he NEEDS more structure and guidance than you’re giving him. Do you think all of our kids who have consequences for bad behavior hate us? No! My kids love and need me and it’s my job to parent them to grow up to be a productive member of society. You need to separate your past and your own parent issues from how you parent your kid. You will ALL be happier once there’s some structures in place. Maybe look for a parent coach?

OP here.

I don’t know how demand respect and instill consequences but not shatter our already precarious relationship.

We get tripped up because we don’t know how to parent without fear OR constant bribes and consequences.

He never listens, and he’s extremely argumentative, and he’s rude.

He’s nice elsewhere.

Why is he awful with me?

He’s even starting to say so: “I don’t like being with you because you’re always mean to me”.

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

You don’t like to leave your kids with your parents because they are strict, but you do when you want a manicure? No.

This is a grandparent trying to troll people into “modern parenting is too permissive.” Not buying it.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This argument that kids act up around mom's because they feel safe is the dumbest bullshit. I have friends who literally excuse their kids from hitting them or shouting at them on this basis. Women are martyrs enough. They don't need to get shit on by their kids as well in guise of aspirational parenting. OP, find a better way for your kid. It sounds like you are raising a spoiled entitled brat and you are going to unleash him on society. There is a middle ground between dranconian parenting and being a pushover. Sometimes your kids not going to like your rules or boundaries. That's too bad if that makes you uncomfortable.

+1

Whining, yelling, or worse is not respect. Require respect from your DC. Model respect towards him and expect respect from him.

X1000 op, your child doesn’t respect you.

I know. How do I get him to? He’s so rude.

When he’s rude you ask him to try again, model the tone and language. If he doesn’t, he gets a consequence. Every time. Does he like video games? Make game playing conditional on respectful behavior. Define what you want him to say and do so he understands the parameters. You’re not going to fix everything at once so pick a few things that bother you and the people around him the most.

So many things bother us. He’s not a likable kid at all (to us).

We aren’t sure how to get him to respect us without parenting with fear. He has no respect for us (he never ever ever listens) but we also don’t want him to behave out of fear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you; some of you are being so helpful.

We don’t know how we landed here. We suspect *some* special needs because our other child isn’t like this at all, and how can nature/nurture be so completely off? Our second son, just 9 months behind him, is so sweet, kind, empathetic…always has been. And DS1 has always been his way. One could argue he’s fallen into that role and can’t get out? I dunno.

DS just isn’t compliant or pleasant. Asking him to help with dinner would result in a fit “why do I always have to help!” Screaming.

We just have to bite the bullet and come down hard on him with boundaries and rules. He just pushes and pushes and wears us down so much. This is why we are where we are, I guess.

Oh my god. Please don’t blame “special needs” for your idiotic parenting. And stop wringing your hands about not knowing how you ended up here. Give him consequences for bad behavior, and also model for him what good behavior looks like. Give him the tools to act right.

He does have anxiety and adhd. The “special needs” comes in because he doesn’t act appropriately when a consequence is given. It’s like he cannot handle it and completely loses control…he screams for hours once a consequence is given, even a small one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This argument that kids act up around mom's because they feel safe is the dumbest bullshit. I have friends who literally excuse their kids from hitting them or shouting at them on this basis. Women are martyrs enough. They don't need to get shit on by their kids as well in guise of aspirational parenting. OP, find a better way for your kid. It sounds like you are raising a spoiled entitled brat and you are going to unleash him on society. There is a middle ground between dranconian parenting and being a pushover. Sometimes your kids not going to like your rules or boundaries. That's too bad if that makes you uncomfortable.

+1

Whining, yelling, or worse is not respect. Require respect from your DC. Model respect towards him and expect respect from him.

X1000 op, your child doesn’t respect you.

I know. How do I get him to? He’s so rude.

When he’s rude you ask him to try again, model the tone and language. If he doesn’t, he gets a consequence. Every time. Does he like video games? Make game playing conditional on respectful behavior. Define what you want him to say and do so he understands the parameters. You’re not going to fix everything at once so pick a few things that bother you and the people around him the most.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This argument that kids act up around mom's because they feel safe is the dumbest bullshit. I have friends who literally excuse their kids from hitting them or shouting at them on this basis. Women are martyrs enough. They don't need to get shit on by their kids as well in guise of aspirational parenting. OP, find a better way for your kid. It sounds like you are raising a spoiled entitled brat and you are going to unleash him on society. There is a middle ground between dranconian parenting and being a pushover. Sometimes your kids not going to like your rules or boundaries. That's too bad if that makes you uncomfortable.

+1

Whining, yelling, or worse is not respect. Require respect from your DC. Model respect towards him and expect respect from him.

X1000 op, your child doesn’t respect you.

I know. How do I get him to? He’s so rude.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

DS is a gem at Sunday school, his classes, and with his peers. He’s generally friendly and listens well when on play dates.

With us:
-“I’m not putting on my shoes because you didn’t do X when I asked you to do it”.

He’s VERY disrespectful to us. I would’ve gotten my butt walloped for talking how he does.

-“you said ‘come up for dinner’ and dinner isn’t even on the table!”

Again, just simply rude in a way that isn’t appropriate I don’t think.

-fusses/tantrums/meltdowns: “Larla is ALWAYS first on her bike” screams, stomps feet

We went to see a family friend yesterday and he didn’t like the small gift she gave him so he threw it and screamed.

I know exactly what “Instagram parenting” is, and yeah we’ve done it. It clearly doesn’t work for this kid.

We need rules and boundaries but nothing works.

Also, yes, we are playing the long game. I don’t like my parents. They were overseers and didn’t engage with us. I want a relationship with my child, forever. But I also don’t want him to be a brat.

This is particularly egregious. There need to be simple, direct consequences for these behaviors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This argument that kids act up around mom's because they feel safe is the dumbest bullshit. I have friends who literally excuse their kids from hitting them or shouting at them on this basis. Women are martyrs enough. They don't need to get shit on by their kids as well in guise of aspirational parenting. OP, find a better way for your kid. It sounds like you are raising a spoiled entitled brat and you are going to unleash him on society. There is a middle ground between dranconian parenting and being a pushover. Sometimes your kids not going to like your rules or boundaries. That's too bad if that makes you uncomfortable.

+1

Whining, yelling, or worse is not respect. Require respect from your DC. Model respect towards him and expect respect from him.

X1000 op, your child doesn’t respect you.