Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I had a friend who used to live in a separate house from her husband. They needed their space. I think you might be happiest like that.

Everyone is going to wear sweatpants at home eventually. Unless you don't live together. Then they can make the special effort that keeps you interested once they are down to being their regular self.

You'd probably hate knowing they're in the bathroom taking a s**t, too, honestly - so maybe just don't spend so much time witn anyone that they're ever doing that when you're at the house

I do think for many of us we get the frisson OR we get the comfort and stability. Sounds like you're longing for more of the former. So, maybe you need to take a step back. And know this about yourself for future relationships.

This is an undervalued setup in the United States and I wish that it was more normalized. I think I'd still be married if xH and I had this arrangement. NOT 'open marriage' -- rather, a monogamous committed couple that shares everything (finances, health insurance, family responsibility) except an address.

I fully recognize that this would be trickier with young children but that's not a deal killer. I could've built a 2nd small home in my backyard, for example, with a shared playset, grill and patio in between.

I know one family in DC who owns a giant rowhouse and one parent has the 2-story upstairs unit and the other has the 2-story lower unit. The only child moves between both. Again, monogamous people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I called myself a half-stepper because I am a long-time SAHM who could be doing so much more. DH does not mind. He considers me a full-stepper in what matters most to him: caring for our family: but objectively speaking, I am no Kamala Harris by DCUM standards. OP is not willing to settle. He should not ruin his own or her life by doing so.

PP, you sound perfectly fine - great actually - and what OP needs to understand is that the vast majority of people are not going to be able to satisfy his every need. OP should be asking what he brings to the table for his gf. A relationship is a two way street. Maybe OP has annoying traits too, like having unrealistic expectations, but his gf is willing to overlook those shortcomings for the greater good of the relationship.

Also OP, it is true in any close relationship you will be exposed to people having to use the bathroom, getting sick or having bad days. If you aren’t able to tolerate basic humanity you will always be disappointed in any close relationship you have.

OP here. I never said anything close to this (about the bathroom of tending to a sick partner). Of course those are things I do and would want to have in any relationship. There's a huge difference between being there for our partners on their down days and having reasonable expectations around these examples you bring up and someone living in sweat pants and rarely making an effort on grooming, styling, etc.

My big issue is that she made that effort for the first 6 months to 1 year of the relationship. But now that we're in a serious committed long-term relationship I become the bad guy when I ask her where my original girlfriend went. FWIW, I'd rather my partner be direct with me if I were engaged in some longterm slacking after committment set in. If I gain weight or am not being motivated in some aspect of life I'd rather my partner talk to me about it and jump start me. But it feels like every woman I end up dating starts out bringing her A game then settles into a gentleman's C by year 1.

A pattern! Every woman starts out great then ends up being a disappointment. OP, have you ever heard of the pattern “idealize-devalue-discard”? You don’t sound extreme, but the pattern of idealizing these women then becoming quite disappointed in all of them is telling. Newsflash - everyone is very excited at the start of a new relationship. If your gf felt she needed to jump through tons of hoops to please you she might have done that for several months. But if that is not a comfortable level of sacrifice for her then it is not sustainable. Are you quite intense in the beginning of a relationship? It’s not that easy to sustain that pace while holding down a job and a regular life. Again, having realistic expectations is probably key here.

But no woman I've ever dated says that I changed later on. They all agreed they let up and I kept bringing the same effort on a consistent basis. I feel like the one who changes is the one who should answer here. I've even asked: am I doing anything or not doing anything that you loved about me early on and now you wish I did. It's always crickets.

This is an undervalued setup in the United States and I wish that it was more normalized. I think I'd still be married if xH and I had this arrangement. NOT 'open marriage' -- rather, a monogamous committed couple that shares everything (finances, health insurance, family responsibility) except an address.

I fully recognize that this would be trickier with young children but that's not a deal killer. I could've built a 2nd small home in my backyard, for example, with a shared playset, grill and patio in between.

I know one family in DC who owns a giant rowhouse and one parent has the 2-story upstairs unit and the other has the 2-story lower unit. The only child moves between both. Again, monogamous people

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stability is boring. Why can't the Millennials handle stability in their relationships?

OP here. You're clearly not reading the thread. Stability is what I want! The stability of what was displayed as the package offered when we met. Frequent uninhibited sex, an effort in appearance, in working out to look the best one can, in being well read and conversational, etc. That was what is always "marketed" during the dating phase but then suddenly a year later its like an evolution where "comfort" and "love" mean a lack of trying and effort. What's the point if we're not (all of us) getting a little better each and every day?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

But sometimes the lack of attraction is an intimacy issue. It prevents you from taking relationships to the next step of long term commitment. Put another way, assuming that you were attracted to her at the beginning of your relationship, and assuming she has not changed all that much during your relationship, why do you think the attraction is gone? It could be that what has changed is the expectations of commitment going forward, and that that is what is killing your attraction.

In any event, the first question is the relevant one now. And it sounds like you should break up.

What has changed is the level of effort she puts in sexually and appearance wise. She thinks "comfortable" in a relationship means less effort. I tend to try and remain as close to the person I was when we both started dating. I think that difference early on helped paper over a less than 10/10 attraction.

But doesn’t everyone do that?

I notice married women who get married and soon adopt very short hair styles which are much easier to care for; especially when we lived in Europe for a few years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not the one.

There is a shelf life of 18 month-3 years when it’s someone not meant to be a long-term mate.

When you find the one, you’ll know.

People tell me this, but I'm 38 and have been in many 2-3 year relationships. I am not so sure I buy the "not the one" argument. I'm willing to accept that I may be overly picky and some of it is on me. In other words, I don't think it's because I don't have a strong bond with this woman. I do. But I don't see love and physical attraction as the same. Totally bifurcated in my experience.

There are two relevant questions: (1) do you stay in this relationship, and (2) why does this seem to happen in all of your relationships? Separate those questions.

1. No, don't stay. You are not going to be happy, nor is your girlfriend going to be happy being in a relationship long term with someone no longer attracted to her. I don't think you can bank on it coming back.

2. Who knows? You should try to figure this out, and the suggestion for individual therapy is a good one. It very well might be that you are picky, but also, maybe you have intimacy issues

Agree that the issues should be separated out. I don't think I have intimacy issues. I am deeply bonded to her. It's literally a physical thing. I find other women much more attractive and it makes me sad that I'm not really really excited to be with her physically. The other aspects of our relationship are strong.

But sometimes the lack of attraction is an intimacy issue. It prevents you from taking relationships to the next step of long term commitment. Put another way, assuming that you were attracted to her at the beginning of your relationship, and assuming she has not changed all that much during your relationship, why do you think the attraction is gone? It could be that what has changed is the expectations of commitment going forward, and that that is what is killing your attraction.

In any event, the first question is the relevant one now. And it sounds like you should break up.

What has changed is the level of effort she puts in sexually and appearance wise. She thinks "comfortable" in a relationship means less effort. I tend to try and remain as close to the person I was when we both started dating. I think that difference early on helped paper over a less than 10/10 attraction.

Anonymous wrote:OP - I had a friend who used to live in a separate house from her husband. They needed their space. I think you might be happiest like that.

Everyone is going to wear sweatpants at home eventually. Unless you don't live together. Then they can make the special effort that keeps you interested once they are down to being their regular self.

You'd probably hate knowing they're in the bathroom taking a s**t, too, honestly - so maybe just don't spend so much time witn anyone that they're ever doing that when you're at the house

I do think for many of us we get the frisson OR we get the comfort and stability. Sounds like you're longing for more of the former. So, maybe you need to take a step back. And know this about yourself for future relationships.