Reply to “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Those asking why does a child need to know, because likely the child thinks his/her parents didn't love him/her enough to stay together. They internalize this. They think there's something they could have done to stop it. By telling them that this is not about them, that nothing they could have done would have saved it, takes a burden off of them. Now would I go into detail? No. But those claiming that affairs might have happened after sexless marriages, I'm sure some have, but all the ones I knew didn't. The men were getting it regularly from wife and from AP.

In a way, [b]hiding the truth is gas lighting them[/b]. They sense that something is wrong. They might sense hurt, betrayal, struggle, and you're coming along being like: all is fine here, nothing is wrong, move on. That's not OK. [/quote]

I am a parent who followed the advice on these boards not to tell and, 16 years later, I can honestly say that I'm not sure it has been the right choice.  As PP says, looking back, I now view my not telling as a form of gaslighting of my own kids or being an unwilling participant in my ex's gaslighting.  I thought I was keeping it private for the kids' benefit, but as PP described, the kids know something is wrong and invent the wrong (usually self-blaming) answer to fill the gap.

My kids were very young when I kicked DH out for repeated cheating with a wide variety of women and after 2 years of marital and individual counseling and an enormous number of lengthy and repeated lies on his part.  I know that the infidelity was not my fault.  I don't need to tell my kids that to make myself feel better.  But, telling them some version of the fact that their Dad wasn't capable of doing the things that are typically done to maintain an intimate relationship with me, would have helped them understand the fact that their dad wasn't doing the normal things to maintain a parental relationship with them and would've given them the context to understand that the problem was him and not them.  That's still painful thing to know -- my Dad isn't capable of being a father to me -- but at least it is not as painful as "i am not lovable enough that my Dad would want to maintain a relationship with me."

It's been so long keeping the secret, that I'm not sure I will tell them at this point.  They have, slowly, over time, figured out what kind of person their dad is without any help from me.  And the problem is that I am afraid I will be challenged like another PP mentioned (well, it's your fault for not trying hard enough).  All these years, I have kept copies of the receipts -- emails from him acknowledging what he did, texts and emails to other women, medical documents from STDs during our relationship, medical bills for his sex addict counseling, etc.  So, if challenged, I have reams of paperwork/evidence that shows the real story.  But, really, I don't want to go there.  And he is a liar, so he will just make up more lies about what happened.

I'm really not sure what the right answer is/was, but with the benefit of hindsight, I don't think it was the right decision to participate in the cover-up of the crime, so to speak.  That just created other problems.  
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