Anonymous wrote:You broke up his nuclear family. Yes, your husband cheated, but did you try to work it out? Did you show your child how you tried tooth and nail to hold your family together with glue and duct tape? He's telling you that you didn't try hard enough.

Not OP. Are you freaking serious? A child with no concept of romantic love or adult relationships does not get to decide what it looks like to try hard enough. OP has appropriately shielded her child from bearing the burden of adult problems. It may feel like they didn’t try and the kid can work through that with a therapist or counselor - but children do not get to dictate the marital status of their parents.

Anonymous wrote:My dh’s parents divorced because of infidelity and to his mother’s credit, she never told him. He found out a few years ago at age 40 (they divorced when he was 12 as well). In the end, he blamed his mother for not trying to make it work, not trying counseling, not sticking it out. I don’t tell you this to lay fault but sometimes it is a no win situation even though this wasn’t your fault. Thirty years later, it didn’t matter why the divorce happened but that it happened.
Sorry you are going through this.

Your husband sounds like an immature asshole.

I am the kid in this situation. I knew something was wrong and the more people denied it, the more I snooped. Eventually, of course, I uncovered the affair and was extremely, extremely angry with everyone who had lied to my face to cover it up. Sometimes it's healthiest to tell the truth even when the truth is hard to hear.

Anonymous wrote:Those asking why does a child need to know, because likely the child thinks his/her parents didn't love him/her enough to stay together. They internalize this. They think there's something they could have done to stop it. By telling them that this is not about them, that nothing they could have done would have saved it, takes a burden off of them. Now would I go into detail? No. But those claiming that affairs might have happened after sexless marriages, I'm sure some have, but all the ones I knew didn't. The men were getting it regularly from wife and from AP.

In a way, hiding the truth is gas lighting them. They sense that something is wrong. They might sense hurt, betrayal, struggle, and you're coming along being like: all is fine here, nothing is wrong, move on. That's not OK.

I am a parent who followed the advice on these boards not to tell and, 16 years later, I can honestly say that I'm not sure it has been the right choice. As PP says, looking back, I now view my not telling as a form of gaslighting of my own kids or being an unwilling participant in my ex's gaslighting. I thought I was keeping it private for the kids' benefit, but as PP described, the kids know something is wrong and invent the wrong (usually self-blaming) answer to fill the gap.

My kids were very young when I kicked DH out for repeated cheating with a wide variety of women and after 2 years of marital and individual counseling and an enormous number of lengthy and repeated lies on his part. I know that the infidelity was not my fault. I don't need to tell my kids that to make myself feel better. But, telling them some version of the fact that their Dad wasn't capable of doing the things that are typically done to maintain an intimate relationship with me, would have helped them understand the fact that their dad wasn't doing the normal things to maintain a parental relationship with them and would've given them the context to understand that the problem was him and not them. That's still painful thing to know -- my Dad isn't capable of being a father to me -- but at least it is not as painful as "i am not lovable enough that my Dad would want to maintain a relationship with me."

It's been so long keeping the secret, that I'm not sure I will tell them at this point. They have, slowly, over time, figured out what kind of person their dad is without any help from me. And the problem is that I am afraid I will be challenged like another PP mentioned (well, it's your fault for not trying hard enough). All these years, I have kept copies of the receipts -- emails from him acknowledging what he did, texts and emails to other women, medical documents from STDs during our relationship, medical bills for his sex addict counseling, etc. So, if challenged, I have reams of paperwork/evidence that shows the real story. But, really, I don't want to go there. And he is a liar, so he will just make up more lies about what happened.

I'm really not sure what the right answer is/was, but with the benefit of hindsight, I don't think it was the right decision to participate in the cover-up of the crime, so to speak. That just created other problems.

Anonymous wrote:You broke up his nuclear family. Yes, your husband cheated, but did you try to work it out? Did you show your child how you tried tooth and nail to hold your family together with glue and duct tape? He's telling you that you didn't try hard enough.

Ew.

OP, this is a thing that happens and a thing that people get through. Divorce is tough on everyone. That doesn't mean you didn't try hard enough. That doesn't mean it wasn't the right decision.

Anonymous wrote:OP - my X cheated on me and we could not reconcile simply because X kept siding with her AP. We eventually divorced and XW married her AP. It is what it is. I've stuck to the "we divorced because some times parents just can't get along and it's better to be apart" line of reasoning to the kids for the longest. They are now early age teens and I know the subject will come up (again) even though they are many years removed from divorce. I always held up hope that XW would own up to it to the kids and tell them what happened.

I've given up that hope since XW has been manipulating and lying to the kids about stuff. My guess is that she will shift blame on me at which time, I'll have to defend myself and set the record straight. Not looking forward to that convo since it will affect my kids' relationship with their mom and it will officially get out to friends, etc.

It rarely goes down like that.

the kids find out the parent cheated and it's not really a big deal... 1/2 their friends will be in the same boat.

They will go, oh well mom is kind of crazy and she cheated on dad, well it's her not me.

So what if she shifts blame... well your dad never brought me flowers, he didn't make enough money, I fell in love blah, blah, blah... the kids will see the situation for what it is.

Stick with the facts, be honest, don't judge, move on.

Anonymous wrote:My dh’s parents divorced because of infidelity and to his mother’s credit, she never told him. He found out a few years ago at age 40 (they divorced when he was 12 as well). In the end, he blamed his mother for not trying to make it work, not trying counseling, not sticking it out. I don’t tell you this to lay fault but sometimes it is a no win situation even though this wasn’t your fault. Thirty years later, it didn’t matter why the divorce happened but that it happened.
Sorry you are going through this.

He didn't know about the infidelity but he knew his mom didn't try counseling. Sure ... that's the real story.

I love when AP's jump on these threads, do a little better with the story.

OP - my X cheated on me and we could not reconcile simply because X kept siding with her AP. We eventually divorced and XW married her AP. It is what it is. I've stuck to the "we divorced because some times parents just can't get along and it's better to be apart" line of reasoning to the kids for the longest. They are now early age teens and I know the subject will come up (again) even though they are many years removed from divorce. I always held up hope that XW would own up to it to the kids and tell them what happened.

I've given up that hope since XW has been manipulating and lying to the kids about stuff. My guess is that she will shift blame on me at which time, I'll have to defend myself and set the record straight. Not looking forward to that convo since it will affect my kids' relationship with their mom and it will officially get out to friends, etc.

Those asking why does a child need to know, because likely the child thinks his/her parents didn't love him/her enough to stay together. They internalize this. They think there's something they could have done to stop it. By telling them that this is not about them, that nothing they could have done would have saved it, takes a burden off of them. Now would I go into detail? No. But those claiming that affairs might have happened after sexless marriages, I'm sure some have, but all the ones I knew didn't. The men were getting it regularly from wife and from AP.

In a way, hiding the truth is gas lighting them. They sense that something is wrong. They might sense hurt, betrayal, struggle, and you're coming along being like: all is fine here, nothing is wrong, move on. That's not OK.

My dh’s parents divorced because of infidelity and to his mother’s credit, she never told him. He found out a few years ago at age 40 (they divorced when he was 12 as well). In the end, he blamed his mother for not trying to make it work, not trying counseling, not sticking it out. I don’t tell you this to lay fault but sometimes it is a no win situation even though this wasn’t your fault. Thirty years later, it didn’t matter why the divorce happened but that it happened.
Sorry you are going through this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I refused to lie.

I always empathized with my kid, told him it was not his fault and I hated the situation too but him DAD decided to leave. I told him we'd make the best of it and not to worry about little things. When his Dad complained I told him all this was on him. I was consistent and relentless with this message.

I did not mention other people but my kid figured it out early.

Ex tries so hard, but our kid has his number. He no longer listens to any of his Dad's advice.

Ex will have another miserable Father's Day. Too bad, so sad.

You are too selfish to realize that you care more about causing pain to your ex than the fact that you decided to ensure that your kid would have a bad relationship with his father. That is the height of bad parenting.

Wrong! It’s not healthy for kids yo think relationships just end without a reason. They have a right to know.

You think the only reason your marriage ended is that your ex had an affair? You are clueless about life. And also a horrible parent.

Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. Tell your facts if you need. Kids are not stupid. If you have something to say say it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I refused to lie.

I always empathized with my kid, told him it was not his fault and I hated the situation too but him DAD decided to leave. I told him we'd make the best of it and not to worry about little things. When his Dad complained I told him all this was on him. I was consistent and relentless with this message.

I did not mention other people but my kid figured it out early.

Ex tries so hard, but our kid has his number. He no longer listens to any of his Dad's advice.

Ex will have another miserable Father's Day. Too bad, so sad.

You are too selfish to realize that you care more about causing pain to your ex than the fact that you decided to ensure that your kid would have a bad relationship with his father. That is the height of bad parenting.

Wrong! It’s not healthy for kids yo think relationships just end without a reason. They have a right to know.

You think the only reason your marriage ended is that your ex had an affair? You are clueless about life. And also a horrible parent.

And you are an enabler. Have some morals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance at reconciling? despite divorce? I've known of couples who did, and eventually got remarried

None. Ex-spouse has fully moved on, nor do I want to knowing what I know now—the lies just keep coming.

No matter how bad he.is, do not badmouth him, as she will find out for herself what a SOB he is and then she will understand why you got a divorce.

Telling the truth is not bad mouthing.

Making up stories or adding judgement no. But your dad left is a fact. Your dad had girlfriends during our marriage is a fact.

You dad is a creep or a jerk … that is judgement, don’t say that.

Facts are fine.

This. If a kid asks for the facts, tell them. The last thing a child needs is two untrustworthy, lying parents instead of just one.

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s perplexing that so many of you have this weird idea that if only your children knew the truth about their fathers, they’d be on your side. It’s kind of sad. And in reality doesn’t usually turn out like that.

Meh. My mom NEVER said anything bad about my dad when I was growing up. I figured it out all on my own. I respect her for that but I am definitely team mom for getting out of a bad marriage. It was the right thing to do for our family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance at reconciling? despite divorce? I've known of couples who did, and eventually got remarried

None. Ex-spouse has fully moved on, nor do I want to knowing what I know now—the lies just keep coming.

No matter how bad he.is, do not badmouth him, as she will find out for herself what a SOB he is and then she will understand why you got a divorce.

Telling the truth is not bad mouthing.

Making up stories or adding judgement no. But your dad left is a fact. Your dad had girlfriends during our marriage is a fact.

You dad is a creep or a jerk … that is judgement, don’t say that.

Facts are fine.