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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I appreciate all the replies! 
I was ALWAYS one of those “kick them to the curb if they cheat” people. Until I found myself in the situation and realized that there are so many factors that make that decision less clear-cut. 
Long history of being together in a generally happy marriage. He’s my best friend. I do still love him, and I know he messed up but loves me too.
4 wonderful, well-adjusted kids. He’s an amazing dad
Close, intertwined social/family/in-law relationships
Finances (although I’m well off in my own career so this would not stand in my way).

This doesn’t mean I’m not still angry and hurt. He’s remorseful and trying very hard. Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t believe he would cheat again. We are both trying hard to make our “new” marriage as good as possible.

At the moment, I don’t want to find a new date to celebrate. I don’t want to renew my vows. I think we have to earn celebrating our marriage again, with time.

My preference would be to just act like the anniversary is any other day and for it to be over quickly.  Go to work, come home, have dinner with the kids, watch a TV show and go to sleep. But I know my husband will try to do something special, so I have to make my wishes known and that will be the awkward conversation. [/quote]

You have zero reason to feel awkward.  It's not you bringing up an awkward conversation.  It is you standing up for yourself and holding him accountable for his mistakes.  Apologize to no one.

That said, I have to get this off my chest -- when you were saying kick them to the curb if they cheat, you truly never understood that people generally love and have built a life with their spouse?  [/quote]

OP again. To be honest, I never really thought deeply about affairs before as it was not something that affected me or anyone close to me. When I did superficially think about it (throughout the years)it was usually in the context of celebrities or distant acquaintances, I considered an affair too big a betrayal to get over. I didn't understand why/how people stayed when a spouse disrespected them so deeply and broke the most sacred of vows, but my thoughts were on a very superficial level. I now realize how naive and judgmental I was. And when I was blindsided by my husband's affair, I had to navigate a whole new way of looking at my situation. It's not easy to just walk away when there are children and a long history, and love. One thing that a friend told me that I really took to heart was that I didn't have to make any immediate decisions and that I could always walk away later if I wanted to. At first, I stayed and was strong because I didn't want anything to affect my children and I figured I could come up with a plan in the meantime. I spoke to a lawyer, read all the books on affairs, separation, divorce, researched dividing our assets. But later, after many weeks, marriage counseling, reading, talking,  I stayed because I think it's the best decision for me and my happiness as well as my family.

Since my own experience, I also learned that a friend who I consider one of the most moral/upstanding women I know--great mom, caring friend, amazing physician, huge support for her aging parents, philanthropist--had an affair. I knew she was not happy in her marriage and was lonely, staying for her children. I do not condone what she did, she was selfish and her husband did not deserve such a terrible betrayal. But it made me see that normal, nice people can make colossal mistakes. She reconciled with her husband and they are also on this difficult journey.

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