Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot for the life of me imagine trying to stay with a spouse who was unfaithful, and I used to think it was a bad choice, but then I randomly heard more stories about spouses who stayed and worked through it. Not because the spouses were financially insecure or staying for the sake of the kids but because the emotional benefits of trying to make it work outweighed the emotional benefits of leaving.

After hearing those stories I recognize that no two situation is the same and the fact that the one who was cheated on gives their spouse a second chance doesn’t mean they are a doormat. It might mean they are really strong.

You're always going to look at the financial consequences because no matter what walk of life it's still divided by 2 which is a big hit to ANYONE. Let's not minimize that. Whether your kids are grown or not, it changes the family dynamics FOREVER. The kids don't want steps, nor to go to different homes. With jobs and time limited it makes life that much harder. Then if you're 40 or up everyone else has kids which means you're going to be stuck with your new partners kids as well. Maybe your kids won't like their kids etc. There's a reason most second marriages don't work. The other percentage has a high dissatisfaction rate. Many women are realistic and know the odds of finding Prince Charming are against them, so often they choose to stay with a bad partner that cheated. I don't think OP can ever forget. The fact she can't celebrate her wedding anniversary is going to be a big stain no matter what. OP I would probably treat it like any other day, and not celebrate it period. This is part of what he chose to do. He can't take it back.

PP here and I totally agree with everything you said. Especially the part about not celebrating the anniversary. I am also a child of divorced parents so I definitely have an idea of how hard divorce is and why somebody might not want to divorce even if it means hurting your psyche by staying with a cheater. I was just surprised to learn that in some cases reconciliation (not forgetting or sweeping it under the rug) really could be best. Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I truly thought that nobody should stay with a cheating spouse.

I wouldn’t though. I have seen the difficulties of divorce many times over and I’m not afraid of it.

My mom would have stayed with my dad, but he wanted to get divorced. Fast forward many years, she died and all the family assets went to the second wife. There is a lot that people don't foresee when families break up. Not saying everyone should stay married because divorce is sometimes a better choice. I've seen women better off after divorce, and many that didn't do well.

Anonymous wrote:Get him a 20th anniversary gift - present him with a stack of divorce paperwork. I really don't know how people reconcile. It's really just the betrayed spouse sucking it up - forever. Give yourself the gift of freedom, breathing room, independence. I divorced, and after the initial pain and despair, life is better than I ever imagined. You never have to feel the sense of dread on your anniversary again. I feel a twinge of... something. Nostalgia for the good old days. But he will never cheat on ME again.

I agree, especially if one is younger. However, women in their late 40's, 50's often can't divorce. Maybe because of retirement around the corner, a SN child, or even health issues. It's not always cut and dry. This past year has been hard, many couldn't divorce even if they wanted to. OP will never have a real wedding anniversary because of what he did.

This is a good reason why I could never stay w/a man who cheated on me.

Not judging you at all OP - but having to endure all of this heartache based on something that my husband did…..
It just would be too much for me to bear. 😢

We routinely forget our anniversary, OP.

You're attaching way too much importance to one day in the year. Relax, and stop considering that this day is special in any way, good or bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all the replies!
I was ALWAYS one of those “kick them to the curb if they cheat” people. Until I found myself in the situation and realized that there are so many factors that make that decision less clear-cut.
Long history of being together in a generally happy marriage. He’s my best friend. I do still love him, and I know he messed up but loves me too.
4 wonderful, well-adjusted kids. He’s an amazing dad
Close, intertwined social/family/in-law relationships
Finances (although I’m well off in my own career so this would not stand in my way).

This doesn’t mean I’m not still angry and hurt. He’s remorseful and trying very hard. Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t believe he would cheat again. We are both trying hard to make our “new” marriage as good as possible.

At the moment, I don’t want to find a new date to celebrate. I don’t want to renew my vows. I think we have to earn celebrating our marriage again, with time.

My preference would be to just act like the anniversary is any other day and for it to be over quickly. Go to work, come home, have dinner with the kids, watch a TV show and go to sleep. But I know my husband will try to do something special, so I have to make my wishes known and that will be the awkward conversation.

You have zero reason to feel awkward. It's not you bringing up an awkward conversation. It is you standing up for yourself and holding him accountable for his mistakes. Apologize to no one.

That said, I have to get this off my chest -- when you were saying kick them to the curb if they cheat, you truly never understood that people generally love and have built a life with their spouse?

OP again. To be honest, I never really thought deeply about affairs before as it was not something that affected me or anyone close to me. When I did superficially think about it (throughout the years)it was usually in the context of celebrities or distant acquaintances, I considered an affair too big a betrayal to get over. I didn't understand why/how people stayed when a spouse disrespected them so deeply and broke the most sacred of vows, but my thoughts were on a very superficial level. I now realize how naive and judgmental I was. And when I was blindsided by my husband's affair, I had to navigate a whole new way of looking at my situation. It's not easy to just walk away when there are children and a long history, and love. One thing that a friend told me that I really took to heart was that I didn't have to make any immediate decisions and that I could always walk away later if I wanted to. At first, I stayed and was strong because I didn't want anything to affect my children and I figured I could come up with a plan in the meantime. I spoke to a lawyer, read all the books on affairs, separation, divorce, researched dividing our assets. But later, after many weeks, marriage counseling, reading, talking, I stayed because I think it's the best decision for me and my happiness as well as my family.

Since my own experience, I also learned that a friend who I consider one of the most moral/upstanding women I know--great mom, caring friend, amazing physician, huge support for her aging parents, philanthropist--had an affair. I knew she was not happy in her marriage and was lonely, staying for her children. I do not condone what she did, she was selfish and her husband did not deserve such a terrible betrayal. But it made me see that normal, nice people can make colossal mistakes. She reconciled with her husband and they are also on this difficult journey.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe renew your vows and make that your new anniversary?

+1

Totally agree w you OP

No way would I ever want to celebrate that date ever again, ever. On some level, your DH wanted you to find out otherwise you never would have found out.

You are not being selfish.

Self care is not selfish.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all the replies!
I was ALWAYS one of those “kick them to the curb if they cheat” people. Until I found myself in the situation and realized that there are so many factors that make that decision less clear-cut.
Long history of being together in a generally happy marriage. He’s my best friend. I do still love him, and I know he messed up but loves me too.
4 wonderful, well-adjusted kids. He’s an amazing dad
Close, intertwined social/family/in-law relationships
Finances (although I’m well off in my own career so this would not stand in my way).

This doesn’t mean I’m not still angry and hurt. He’s remorseful and trying very hard. Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t believe he would cheat again. We are both trying hard to make our “new” marriage as good as possible.

At the moment, I don’t want to find a new date to celebrate. I don’t want to renew my vows. I think we have to earn celebrating our marriage again, with time.

My preference would be to just act like the anniversary is any other day and for it to be over quickly. Go to work, come home, have dinner with the kids, watch a TV show and go to sleep. But I know my husband will try to do something special, so I have to make my wishes known and that will be the awkward conversation.

You have zero reason to feel awkward. It's not you bringing up an awkward conversation. It is you standing up for yourself and holding him accountable for his mistakes. Apologize to no one.

That said, I have to get this off my chest -- when you were saying kick them to the curb if they cheat, you truly never understood that people generally love and have built a life with their spouse?

Anonymous wrote:who celebrates wedding anniversaries? Can you just live your lives and not obsess over something that does not make any difference in the long run? why count years, can you just be with this person, who cares when you got married to him?

Uh, almost everybody celebrates wedding anniversaries. At least those of us who are happily married.

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time with our wedding anniversary after finding out about my husband’s affair and it isn’t even in the same season as the day I found out about his affair. It’s awful and I get it, OP.

I don’t know how much reading or therapy you have done, but you experienced a significant trauma on that day and the body keeps the score. It remembers. Grief anniversaries are real.

I asked for very specific details and dates and now even some of those dates cause me trouble.

Affairs are tremendous betrayal and break trust completely causing you to wonder if the person you married is the same person.

I went through a phase when I thought I was fine, but in some ways it gets harder. I’m only one year out, but I was told it takes 2-5 years to recover though I will never forget it.

2-5 years was about right for me, I’m afraid. I hope you find peace.0

who celebrates wedding anniversaries? Can you just live your lives and not obsess over something that does not make any difference in the long run? why count years, can you just be with this person, who cares when you got married to him?

Anonymous wrote:Maybe renew your vows and make that your new anniversary?

This.
We just had a big anniversary and got new rings—no infidelity but we e been through infertility, bankruptcy, family deaths, etc. hard shi$. Maybe something like that to make it New. Hugs. You can get through this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are roughly in the same situation. Spouse found out about me on spouse's birthday and ever since has made clear that spouse won't celebrate the birthday and doesn't even want to be around me on the birthday. There's no getting around this, and I sort of get it, so I live with it. Every year the birthday just comes and goes.

I say I "sort of" get it only because I was never one who cared about my birthday or anniversary or holidays etc. Every day is the same as any other.

If you don’t care about birthdays I’m assuming living with it isn’t hard at all, right? So why do you say you “sort of” live with it?

I didn't say I sort of "live" with it. I said I sort of "get" it. Meaning I don't really "get" why people get so into birthdays and anniversaries in the first place.

I "totally" live with the situation regardless because I'm the one to blame.

it’s not that your spouse feels so strongly about his birthday, it’s that the day your spouse found out you were a cheater and didn’t value them or the marriage is a milestone day that occurs every year. It would be the same if it happened on Xmas or July 4th - spouse wouldn’t want to spend those with you either.

I found out my now ex DH was cheating on me again just before Thanksgiving when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. DH was out of town overseas on work travel and missed the Thanksgiving holiday, while I spent the holiday researching late term abortion clinics and costs and deciding whether I wanted to keep the baby. Every Thanksgiving I think about all those scenarios I ran through in my head all over again.

Interestingly, I also remember the exact moment I realized he was cheating on me the first time - I can remember exactly where I was standing in the house when I found out, what I found, how my hand shook and my heart and mind raced. But I hardly ever think about that moment because it is not linked to a specific day or trigger.

Your spouse relieves a traumatic life experience every birthday. That’s why spouse doesn’t want to spend birthday with you.

OP here. I appreciate all the replies!
I was ALWAYS one of those “kick them to the curb if they cheat” people. Until I found myself in the situation and realized that there are so many factors that make that decision less clear-cut.
Long history of being together in a generally happy marriage. He’s my best friend. I do still love him, and I know he messed up but loves me too.
4 wonderful, well-adjusted kids. He’s an amazing dad
Close, intertwined social/family/in-law relationships
Finances (although I’m well off in my own career so this would not stand in my way).

This doesn’t mean I’m not still angry and hurt. He’s remorseful and trying very hard. Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t believe he would cheat again. We are both trying hard to make our “new” marriage as good as possible.

At the moment, I don’t want to find a new date to celebrate. I don’t want to renew my vows. I think we have to earn celebrating our marriage again, with time.

My preference would be to just act like the anniversary is any other day and for it to be over quickly. Go to work, come home, have dinner with the kids, watch a TV show and go to sleep. But I know my husband will try to do something special, so I have to make my wishes known and that will be the awkward conversation.

Get him a 20th anniversary gift - present him with a stack of divorce paperwork. I really don't know how people reconcile. It's really just the betrayed spouse sucking it up - forever. Give yourself the gift of freedom, breathing room, independence. I divorced, and after the initial pain and despair, life is better than I ever imagined. You never have to feel the sense of dread on your anniversary again. I feel a twinge of... something. Nostalgia for the good old days. But he will never cheat on ME again.

I don't see how celebrating on a different date would help you forget that he cheated. Every year, your anniversary -- whether your actual or your fake -- will remind you that you found out on your anniversary. You can't sugarcoat it.

If you truly think he's worth staying with, then embrace it and, as a PP said, celebrate it as an acknowledgement of staying together through the very hard times.