Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:22:48 here, I also agree with other posters- about your "over-functioning" role, you might be feeding into each others behavior in ways you are not aware of.

Be vulnerable with your wife, admit your doubts and failings as a parent.

Tell your children that they can say anything to you, no matter what, and they will always be loved and protected. Ask them to tell you what they need in order to be safe, make a contract with them listing steps they can take to get help if they need it.

OP here - I worry about this too and the reality is that I am anything but "over-functioning". I am really struggling myself. The balance used to be much more equal in our relationship and in parenting but it has really shifted. We tried couples' counseling and I tried various things to change the balance but her behavior has become more and more distant. I have had to try to take up the slack with the kids. She talks about her family of origin much more frequently now and is becoming very disengaged from this family at the same time. She recently said that she is going to urge her sister to go to therapy before she has kids, but there was no corresponding concern for our kids. She has done therapy off and on but it has been around her defenses, not to address them. She is better with me alone than around the kids but very angry at my saying that things need to change. She is way less playful with the kids and likes to do structured activities with them now like board games or crafts, she mostly "works" or does chores in a way that never seems to end, I think she is kind of avoiding us when she is home. I can't remember the last time she laughed with the kids. So sad, one of the kids noted that the other night. We were all out the other day and ran into someone she had met once at a conference and she got very animated. One of the kids askd me later why mommy liked that lady better than him. I tink the kids may be aroud the ages of some traumatic events for her and a sib, I'm sure that doesn't help. I'm not sure what , she has't talked about ther childhood in detail since before the kids. She still hasn't called any of the EDMR folks. I want the kids out of the situation but worry what would happen to her on her own and the thought of the kids being alone with her is unaccaptable. I feel like we could go on in this stalemate for a long time, it has been bad and geting worse but there is no way for hte kids to do well unless this changes. I've got calls in to people for a consult, surely an expert could have more insight into how to best protect everyone. I feel like I'm just floundering. I feel so much pressure to make the holidays happy for the kids. I am tryng to convince DW to travel to see family, I think the kids and I really need the support. Thanks to everyone for the concern and resources, it is appreciated. I thought it was just depression for so long. I had no idea of the extent of her issues, I think she deliberately didn't share a lot of information with me. I hate this is the kids' childhood, I have such a hard time understanding why she wouldn't want to get better, even to keep from hurting them.

Anonymous wrote:22:48 here, I also agree with other posters- about your "over-functioning" role, you might be feeding into each others behavior in ways you are not aware of.

Be vulnerable with your wife, admit your doubts and failings as a parent.

Tell your children that they can say anything to you, no matter what, and they will always be loved and protected. Ask them to tell you what they need in order to be safe, make a contract with them listing steps they can take to get help if they need it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, as you are trying to motivate your wife to see that there is a serious problem and that she (and all of you) should seek help for it, you might try reframing the problem and showing your vulnerability. From reading this thread, it seems like you currently see the problem as: your wife is emotionally damaged and falling apart, while you are super functional and trying to hold the family together. This may be true, but it likely also plays on all her fears as someone who is desperately trying to keep it together. Instead, you might try telling her how much you love her and NEED her, how different she seems from the person you first met, and lonely and frightened you feel because she is not emotionally available. Helping herself in order to help you may let her take action without feeling attacked.

If you really feel that your children are wary or fearful around her, I would take this as huge danger sign. I was a child who was afraid of my mother while she was suffering from a major episode of mental illness. Because that kind of mental illness is so unacceptable in our society, we don't really have a language for recognizing or talking about such things until it's too late. I knew that something was terribly wrong and I knew that I was in danger, but I had no way to express what I was experiencing. In retrospect, I think the adults around me must have just been ignoring what they couldn't bear to see.

Anonymous wrote:OP, as you are trying to motivate your wife to see that there is a serious problem and that she (and all of you) should seek help for it, you might try reframing the problem and showing your vulnerability. From reading this thread, it seems like you currently see the problem as: your wife is emotionally damaged and falling apart, while you are super functional and trying to hold the family together. This may be true, but it likely also plays on all her fears as someone who is desperately trying to keep it together. Instead, you might try telling her how much you love her and NEED her, how different she seems from the person you first met, and lonely and frightened you feel because she is not emotionally available. Helping herself in order to help you may let her take action without feeling attacked.

If you really feel that your children are wary or fearful around her, I would take this as huge danger sign. I was a child who was afraid of my mother while she was suffering from a major episode of mental illness. Because that kind of mental illness is so unacceptable in our society, we don't really have a language for recognizing or talking about such things until it's too late. I knew that something was terribly wrong and I knew that I was in danger, but I had no way to express what I was experiencing. In retrospect, I think the adults around me must have just been ignoring what they couldn't bear to see.