Reply to So many who don’t like/respect parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]But if a person doesn't like or respect their parents, isn't that the parents' fault? [/b]I'm always reading on here about how children need to be taught to be respectful and grateful, and that parents who don't instill these value in their kids are falling down on the job. So it stands to reason that if you come across an adult who doesn't respect her parents, it must be because her parents failed at parenting, in which case... doesn't she have a reason to dislike and disrespect her parents?

Sorry being a bad parent has consequences, I guess? That's life.[/quote]

Not always.  See example above.[/quote]

Sometimes with narcissists, one sibling is the golden child, and another is the scapegoat. The golden child grows up being supported, praised, loved, encouraged, so they have a completely different child/parent relationship. The scapegoat is told they are inadequate, sometimes even neglected. There are many, many posts here with people hurt by the discrepancy, which then extends to grandkids. [/quote]

This, 100%. And it can happen even if someone isn't. full blown narcissist. My dad may be a narcissist, but my mom is not. However, they have a golden child dynamic with my sister and none of them can see it because they are very locked into these enmeshed, codependent patterns with each other. They have all bought into a narrative where my sister deserves support and attention, and her children deserve the same, more than other members of the family. And it the reasons for the discrepancy shift as necessary to maintain the status quo. Sometimes my sister and her family get more support and attention because they are more virtuous than the rest of us, they are better people, and they've earned it. But other times, it's because they have it harder, because they've been dealt a bad hand. It doesn't really matter what the reason is, and it doesn't really matter what the rest of us do or what we are dealing with. Our assigned role is as a support player in a drama in which my sister is the central character.

So yes, watching my sister constantly manipulate my parents into giving her money, material goods, attention, and emotional support makes me respect my parents less. And the fact that they will often tell me and my other siblings that our both our successes and our struggles are irrelevant because our sister's life must take precedence makes me dislike them.

You reap what you sow.[/quote]

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