Reply to How do you get over being ostracized from a group?

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm sorry, OP. This happened to me in college freshman year - my roommate took one look at me on the first day and without even trying to get to know me, decided she didn't like me. Although I quickly made friends with 10 of our hallmates and we all hung out as a group from the beginning, over the next few months she gradually got them to exclude me from meals and make plans without me. Everyone else thought she was SO cool and fun, including the RA, so there was literally nobody on my side. I was despondent by November as things with the group deteriorated. I finally went out on a limb and started hanging with a couple of random people from other dorms and finally found my true friends. I had far more amazing and close friendships with them than I did with the hallmates, but it hurt. It especially hurt seeing my roommate become super popular, become a campus tour guide representing the college (I applied too but wasn't chosen), become class president twice, and, after coming out sophomore year, become an outspoken proponent of diversity and being kind to people who are different from you. All the while my friends and I knew what a sham she was, but couldn't say anything without looking petty. I still haven't forgiven her for not even giving me a chance on day one 30 years ago and I still fantasize about confronting her at reunion someday and asking her WTF her problem was, although my better self tells me her response probably wouldn't help me feel any better. The hallmates sucked too - like your friends, they stopped being friends and started pretending they were my friends, and went along with my roommate even though I hadn't done anything to her or them.

What helped was making new and better friends, and filling my life with other, better stuff. The rejection still hurts and it will always hurt, but I have the comfort of knowing 1. I didn't do anything that deserved such treatment, and 2., like you, I took the high road and I never trash talked these people or tried to have the final word with them. Think of the group as something you are choosing to leave behind, rather than the opposite. Please know that it's normal to feel humiliated and have a hard time wrapping your mind around how this all went down, and it will take some time to put it behind you. A year is not very long to heal from something this major, and now you have Covid keeping you from branching out socially. Eventually you will fill in your life with other friends and activities. Once this is possible, I highly recommend volunteer work, taking a personal or professional risk and kicking its ass, and living well in general. Success is the best revenge. I think you are doing an awesome job and your therapist is doing an awesome job too - keep at it. Big hugs, it DOES get better.

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