Anonymous
09/21/2020 22:39
Subject: Re:How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. This happened to me in college freshman year - my roommate took one look at me on the first day and without even trying to get to know me, decided she didn't like me. Although I quickly made friends with 10 of our hallmates and we all hung out as a group from the beginning, over the next few months she gradually got them to exclude me from meals and make plans without me. Everyone else thought she was SO cool and fun, including the RA, so there was literally nobody on my side. I was despondent by November as things with the group deteriorated. I finally went out on a limb and started hanging with a couple of random people from other dorms and finally found my true friends. I had far more amazing and close friendships with them than I did with the hallmates, but it hurt. It especially hurt seeing my roommate become super popular, become a campus tour guide representing the college (I applied too but wasn't chosen), become class president twice, and, after coming out sophomore year, become an outspoken proponent of diversity and being kind to people who are different from you. All the while my friends and I knew what a sham she was, but couldn't say anything without looking petty. I still haven't forgiven her for not even giving me a chance on day one 30 years ago and I still fantasize about confronting her at reunion someday and asking her WTF her problem was, although my better self tells me her response probably wouldn't help me feel any better. The hallmates sucked too - like your friends, they stopped being friends and started pretending they were my friends, and went along with my roommate even though I hadn't done anything to her or them.
What helped was making new and better friends, and filling my life with other, better stuff. The rejection still hurts and it will always hurt, but I have the comfort of knowing 1. I didn't do anything that deserved such treatment, and 2., like you, I took the high road and I never trash talked these people or tried to have the final word with them. Think of the group as something you are choosing to leave behind, rather than the opposite. Please know that it's normal to feel humiliated and have a hard time wrapping your mind around how this all went down, and it will take some time to put it behind you. A year is not very long to heal from something this major, and now you have Covid keeping you from branching out socially. Eventually you will fill in your life with other friends and activities. Once this is possible, I highly recommend volunteer work, taking a personal or professional risk and kicking its ass, and living well in general. Success is the best revenge. I think you are doing an awesome job and your therapist is doing an awesome job too - keep at it. Big hugs, it DOES get better.
Did your sick, hateful and ugly (she has no shame being fake) ex-roommate ever get karma ? Gosh. I truly hope so.
Anonymous
09/21/2020 22:14
Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
This is truly awful. I’m so sorry OP. These people sound absolutely awful and it’s good you have ties cut from them. In a way, that’s a blessing because they are terrible people. So rarely is DCUM Unanimous.
Anonymous
09/21/2020 22:02
Subject: Re:How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
I'm sorry, OP. This happened to me in college freshman year - my roommate took one look at me on the first day and without even trying to get to know me, decided she didn't like me. Although I quickly made friends with 10 of our hallmates and we all hung out as a group from the beginning, over the next few months she gradually got them to exclude me from meals and make plans without me. Everyone else thought she was SO cool and fun, including the RA, so there was literally nobody on my side. I was despondent by November as things with the group deteriorated. I finally went out on a limb and started hanging with a couple of random people from other dorms and finally found my true friends. I had far more amazing and close friendships with them than I did with the hallmates, but it hurt. It especially hurt seeing my roommate become super popular, become a campus tour guide representing the college (I applied too but wasn't chosen), become class president twice, and, after coming out sophomore year, become an outspoken proponent of diversity and being kind to people who are different from you. All the while my friends and I knew what a sham she was, but couldn't say anything without looking petty. I still haven't forgiven her for not even giving me a chance on day one 30 years ago and I still fantasize about confronting her at reunion someday and asking her WTF her problem was, although my better self tells me her response probably wouldn't help me feel any better. The hallmates sucked too - like your friends, they stopped being friends and started pretending they were my friends, and went along with my roommate even though I hadn't done anything to her or them.
What helped was making new and better friends, and filling my life with other, better stuff. The rejection still hurts and it will always hurt, but I have the comfort of knowing 1. I didn't do anything that deserved such treatment, and 2., like you, I took the high road and I never trash talked these people or tried to have the final word with them. Think of the group as something you are choosing to leave behind, rather than the opposite. Please know that it's normal to feel humiliated and have a hard time wrapping your mind around how this all went down, and it will take some time to put it behind you. A year is not very long to heal from something this major, and now you have Covid keeping you from branching out socially. Eventually you will fill in your life with other friends and activities. Once this is possible, I highly recommend volunteer work, taking a personal or professional risk and kicking its ass, and living well in general. Success is the best revenge. I think you are doing an awesome job and your therapist is doing an awesome job too - keep at it. Big hugs, it DOES get better.
What helped was making new and better friends, and filling my life with other, better stuff. The rejection still hurts and it will always hurt, but I have the comfort of knowing 1. I didn't do anything that deserved such treatment, and 2., like you, I took the high road and I never trash talked these people or tried to have the final word with them. Think of the group as something you are choosing to leave behind, rather than the opposite. Please know that it's normal to feel humiliated and have a hard time wrapping your mind around how this all went down, and it will take some time to put it behind you. A year is not very long to heal from something this major, and now you have Covid keeping you from branching out socially. Eventually you will fill in your life with other friends and activities. Once this is possible, I highly recommend volunteer work, taking a personal or professional risk and kicking its ass, and living well in general. Success is the best revenge. I think you are doing an awesome job and your therapist is doing an awesome job too - keep at it. Big hugs, it DOES get better.
Anonymous
09/21/2020 21:35
Subject: Re:How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not going to email anyone. This all happened a year ago -- I do not want to be in contact with them, or create new drama, or make myself vulnerable to them in any way. I am at peace with that.
Voodoo dolls are intriguing though!
So if this happened a year ago what transpired since the email exchange? Did you ever have contact with any of them again?
Anonymous
09/21/2020 21:34
Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
OP one thing I saw you said that really hurts. Some of my family members are still friends on FB with my ex close friends. It does hurt when I see that.
Anonymous
09/21/2020 21:25
Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
Anonymous wrote:Do a prayer, "may they have all they deserve".
LOL I like this.
Anonymous
09/21/2020 21:22
Subject: Re:How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not going to email anyone. This all happened a year ago -- I do not want to be in contact with them, or create new drama, or make myself vulnerable to them in any way. I am at peace with that.
Voodoo dolls are intriguing though!
+1 Smart, OP. It is not your job to try and teach them a lesson. Your mental health comes first. I'm glad you are focused on that.
OP, I've never had a group ostracize me, but I have had in my past a litany of sh**y competitive friends. I have learned and taught my kids the following (and I've said this on DCUM before):
1) It is not enough to be a good friend. You also have to know how to pick good friends.
2) To find a good friend, you have to watch over the long run. Sooner or later something good will happen to you, or something bad will happen to you.
3) When something good happens to you, note who is excited for you, who downplays it, and who has suddenly disappeared?
4) When something bad happens to you, note, who is helping you, who is absorbed in Shadenfreude, and who has suddenly disappeared?
It's basically just the recipe to figure out who is competing with you and who just thinks you are great just the way you are.
So be choosy, OP. One or two great friends are better than these 40 turncoats
Anonymous
09/21/2020 21:21
Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
Anonymous wrote:Op you need to forward the email to each of your supposed close friends without saying or writing anything to let them know you saw. Then see if they follow up.
Yes this.
Anonymous
09/21/2020 21:15
Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
Do a prayer, "may they have all they deserve".
Anonymous
09/21/2020 21:12
Subject: Re:How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
OP here. I am not going to email anyone. This all happened a year ago -- I do not want to be in contact with them, or create new drama, or make myself vulnerable to them in any way. I am at peace with that.
Voodoo dolls are intriguing though!
Voodoo dolls are intriguing though!
Anonymous
09/21/2020 21:08
Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
Voodoo dolls
Anonymous
09/21/2020 21:04
Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
Reply all:
"In reading the full content of this email thread, I am enlightened. I'm always grateful for an opportunity to know what people truly think about me. It makes it easy to distinguish between those who are friends and those who are foe. I only wish you had told me sooner. Reading these thoughts sting and hurt me more than I can express. I'm unsure why I would be invited to events if these were the feelings. But it sounds like you call deserve each other, as water seeks its own level. Hope the next "friend" takes it better than I."
Or something like that. Lady, don't let these a$$holes get away with this. People who talk like this will be embarrassed to be called out. CALL THEM OUT and do it with integrity and pride. People should not be writing stuff like this in an email; it is absolutely immature and ridiculous on their part.
"In reading the full content of this email thread, I am enlightened. I'm always grateful for an opportunity to know what people truly think about me. It makes it easy to distinguish between those who are friends and those who are foe. I only wish you had told me sooner. Reading these thoughts sting and hurt me more than I can express. I'm unsure why I would be invited to events if these were the feelings. But it sounds like you call deserve each other, as water seeks its own level. Hope the next "friend" takes it better than I."
Or something like that. Lady, don't let these a$$holes get away with this. People who talk like this will be embarrassed to be called out. CALL THEM OUT and do it with integrity and pride. People should not be writing stuff like this in an email; it is absolutely immature and ridiculous on their part.
Anonymous
09/21/2020 20:59
Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
OP think about how fortunate you are that they revealed their true ugliness. Imagine if you had continued to spend your time with them, never knowing the truth about them. You have been blessed with insight and compassion and have grown through this experience. It got you into therapy. You are very blessed.
Anonymous
09/21/2020 20:58
Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
Op you need to forward the email to each of your supposed close friends without saying or writing anything to let them know you saw. Then see if they follow up.
Anonymous
09/21/2020 20:50
Subject: How do you get over being ostracized from a group?
I would NOT say you contemplated suicide. I would maybe confront good friends that participated though one on one. Just ask what’s going on.