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[quote=Anonymous]OP, even though it doesn't sound like your teen has an explosive temperament (maybe he is too laid back/"lazy" to explode on you!) you might find some of the methods and approaches in "The Explosive Child" useful.  You can also see some of these approaches here on Thinkkids.org

http://thinkkids.org/approach/

It sounds like this teen just is wired differently than your other three.   And you probably feel like others will criticise you for allowing him to get away with things, so you are very strict with him, and clearly your other three children don't behave this way, so your parenting can't be what's at fault.

But if he is wired differently from your other kids, then you need a different approach with him.  My guess is he isn't lazy; he may well be both gifted and organizationally challenged, and instead of "trying harder" he has just started saying it doesn't matter/he doesn't care.

he might also have a more severe reaction than most children to being ordered around, reminded, nagged.   That PLUS being forgetful PLUS having a mom who is really paying attention and on his case all the time (for perfectly admirable reasons!) PLUS being a teen might all be creating the perfect storm of negativity and oppositional defiance, you know?

So you get this situation:  He makes himself a snack and doesn't clean up the mess when he is done, because he just doesn't think to do it.   You see it and get exasperated... and tell him (nicely in your mind because why shoudl you have to tell a 16 year old to throw out the empty bag) to toss the bag before dinner.   he cops an attitude now because you are attempting to control him... and refuses to do it, just on principle.  And calls you a bitch.   As a result, you refuse to allow him any priviledges or allowance.

Does that basically describe what is going on every day between the two of you?

If so -- you can't give him his allowance or privileges, because that would be caving.   But also -- the punishments you are using don't seem to be working.   Your only option would be to up the ante -- remove even MORE stuff (only you say you have nothing more to remove) and then he will up the ante too (calling you worse names, leaving home, etc.)

Or, you can change things drastically.   I don't actually have a teen, so my advice is worth nothing, I'm sure.  But I have a young tween who is a mini-version of all you describe.   And for the past few years we have been working on the thinkkids/explosive child method -- collaborative problem solving -- and life is much better.

I found I really need to stop expecting my child to be like other kids (and like his easy going sisters) and realize that I need to manage him in a different way.

Basically, I needed to create a much more positive relationship between us as much as possible (following up on earlier posts to do more alone time together) and also listen a lot more to him and his feelings and his opinions.  And empathize with him and how he was feeling.  THEN talk about my needs and goals, and THEN ask him how he thinks we can solve the particular problem together.  As you do thins, you also need to look and see if he has any lagging skills where he really is weak.

It is hard work so you start with the biggest issues first.  For me that would be the name calling.   It might be that your teen needs help learning how to calm down and walk away from an argument without namecalling.  It may be that you need to learn ways to do that, too.  (I know I did.  I am hot-tempered just like my son.)  It might be that simply punishing your child for name calling or being rude to his siblings doesn't help him learn to be a different way.

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