Reply to Wife had Affair with Coworker

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like  finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?[/quote]

Yes she seems remorseful.  The connection was made 5 years ago but the relationship became inappropriate 3 years ago.  I had suspected it for sometime (2 + years) based on gut instinct, relationship withdraw, lack of intimacy... Faced with my own insecurities and wanting to not rock the boat for the family I never went looking.  Once I went looking, it was not hard to connect the dots.

Yes the affair was emotional.  Yes she had considered leaving.  I think the fact that the affair partner was/is also married complicated matters.[/quote]

So she only stayed with you because the other guy was married, not because she wants it to work.  Some guy gets to bang your wife and all of the good parts of her, you get no sex and all of the hassle. He's a lucky guy, all fun and no headache all on your sacrifices.

Do you wonder if she did stuff with him that she won't do with you? I hear that's common.Did you ask?[/quote]

The point you make has been discussed and made that it was very selfish, entitled, and disrespectful to enjoy an unencumbered relationship.  Marriage is hard.  Raising a family is hard.  The hundreds of little tasks we do day in and day out are hard.  I don’t know if we will get past this.  All I can do is try.  I owe it to myself and my family to see if we can get things back on track.  I am not looking to make quick decisions.  I want to know at the end of this journey I did what was right and best for me, the kids, and her.

Unfortunately when you are in the emotional place I am now you have all of those thoughts and then some.  The important part is not letting yourself dwell in those dark places.  [/quote]

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