Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate survivinginfidelity.com. I liked ChumpLady much better.

Formerly betrayed spouse here, and I agree 100%. Two totally different (and extreme) perspectives. Eventually I stopped identifying so strongly as a betrayed spouse and moved on from it all, but it took over a year.

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I get that it may seem spiteful to tell the offending partners spouse about the affair, but I keep coming back to putting myself in the position if I were the unaware spouse, I would want to know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?

Yes she seems remorseful. The connection was made 5 years ago but the relationship became inappropriate 3 years ago. I had suspected it for sometime (2 + years) based on gut instinct, relationship withdraw, lack of intimacy... Faced with my own insecurities and wanting to not rock the boat for the family I never went looking. Once I went looking, it was not hard to connect the dots.

Yes the affair was emotional. Yes she had considered leaving. I think the fact that the affair partner was/is also married complicated matters.

So she only stayed with you because the other guy was married, not because she wants it to work. Some guy gets to bang your wife and all of the good parts of her, you get no sex and all of the hassle. He's a lucky guy, all fun and no headache all on your sacrifices.

Do you wonder if she did stuff with him that she won't do with you? I hear that's common.Did you ask?

The point you make has been discussed and made that it was very selfish, entitled, and disrespectful to enjoy an unencumbered relationship. Marriage is hard. Raising a family is hard. The hundreds of little tasks we do day in and day out are hard. I don’t know if we will get past this. All I can do is try. I owe it to myself and my family to see if we can get things back on track. I am not looking to make quick decisions. I want to know at the end of this journey I did what was right and best for me, the kids, and her.

Unfortunately when you are in the emotional place I am now you have all of those thoughts and then some. The important part is not letting yourself dwell in those dark places.

Dude you talk big but you are here... by choice. Have some backbones.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I get that it may seem spiteful to tell the offending partners spouse about the affair, but I keep coming back to putting myself in the position if I were the unaware spouse, I would want to know.

Their partner, may know, may not, may not care. You don’t know their situation and you have your own situation that you need to figure out.

ITA...she is a stranger and the affair has ended.

I have never met the affair partner or his spouse. We live in different towns. I have been told the affair has ended but it has only been a few weeks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I get that it may seem spiteful to tell the offending partners spouse about the affair, but I keep coming back to putting myself in the position if I were the unaware spouse, I would want to know.

Their partner, may know, may not, may not care. You don’t know their situation and you have your own situation that you need to figure out.

ITA...she is a stranger and the affair has ended.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inform the head of HR. That will end it!

Not necessarily. Does HR care if I'm sleeping with Bob from Accounting? Not really.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?

Yes she seems remorseful. The connection was made 5 years ago but the relationship became inappropriate 3 years ago. I had suspected it for sometime (2 + years) based on gut instinct, relationship withdraw, lack of intimacy... Faced with my own insecurities and wanting to not rock the boat for the family I never went looking. Once I went looking, it was not hard to connect the dots.

Yes the affair was emotional. Yes she had considered leaving. I think the fact that the affair partner was/is also married complicated matters.

So she only stayed with you because the other guy was married, not because she wants it to work. Some guy gets to bang your wife and all of the good parts of her, you get no sex and all of the hassle. He's a lucky guy, all fun and no headache all on your sacrifices.

Do you wonder if she did stuff with him that she won't do with you? I hear that's common.Did you ask?

The point you make has been discussed and made that it was very selfish, entitled, and disrespectful to enjoy an unencumbered relationship. Marriage is hard. Raising a family is hard. The hundreds of little tasks we do day in and day out are hard. I don’t know if we will get past this. All I can do is try. I owe it to myself and my family to see if we can get things back on track. I am not looking to make quick decisions. I want to know at the end of this journey I did what was right and best for me, the kids, and her.

Unfortunately when you are in the emotional place I am now you have all of those thoughts and then some. The important part is not letting yourself dwell in those dark places.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?

Yes she seems remorseful. The connection was made 5 years ago but the relationship became inappropriate 3 years ago. I had suspected it for sometime (2 + years) based on gut instinct, relationship withdraw, lack of intimacy... Faced with my own insecurities and wanting to not rock the boat for the family I never went looking. Once I went looking, it was not hard to connect the dots.

Yes the affair was emotional. Yes she had considered leaving. I think the fact that the affair partner was/is also married complicated matters.

So she only stayed with you because the other guy was married, not because she wants it to work. Some guy gets to bang your wife and all of the good parts of her, you get no sex and all of the hassle. He's a lucky guy, all fun and no headache all on your sacrifices.

Do you wonder if she did stuff with him that she won't do with you? I hear that's common.Did you ask?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I get that it may seem spiteful to tell the offending partners spouse about the affair, but I keep coming back to putting myself in the position if I were the unaware spouse, I would want to know.

Their partner, may know, may not, may not care. You don’t know their situation and you have your own situation that you need to figure out.

Anonymous wrote:Inform the head of HR. That will end it!

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I get that it may seem spiteful to tell the offending partners spouse about the affair, but I keep coming back to putting myself in the position if I were the unaware spouse, I would want to know.

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why he shouldn't reach out to the other spouse just to confirm with her that the affair is over. This isn't revenge.

OP, don't be so hasty in going to marriage therapy, take care of YOU first. Make sure you eat, drink, and get you time. Don't beg your wife to do anything. Don't smother her with love. It won't work. It is annoying. It will only drive your wife away.

If your wife has had an affair for a couple of years she has some work to do on herself.

Reminder, you are hurting (so is she). But don't try to fix everything at once. You can't. This is a long, slow process.

Anonymous wrote:I hate survivinginfidelity.com. I liked ChumpLady much better.