Reply to Tell me about your absolute lowest point in life

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[quote=Anonymous]Several things went wrong at once. I got pregnant with a much wanted baby but miscarried.  I started infertility treatments and shortly thereafter I was brutally raped. I wanted to continue infertility treatments because I was older, and I did not mention the rape to my doctor.

The infertility doctor gave me a medication for pituitary dysfunction. The medication affected me in a strange way.  I was losing physical function, feeling like I was having an acid trip and having mini pre strokes. I thought I was having a psychotic breakdown when I went to the neurologist at Georgetown. He asked me to walk around and some simple tests. He said your problem is physical and ordered an MRI. I found the MRI terrifying.

The MRI confirmed a brain tumor. The medication for that was the drug I was already taking and some other drugs. The medications really affect mood (brain drug) causing depression and intense moods and memories. That served to bring the rape back to me again and again. And the fears about the brain tumor.

The treatment for the brain tumor went on for many months while my DH was working crazy long hours. The side effects of the treatment were awful. Everyone was real cheerful and upbeat about the brain tumor and that was a bit hard to deal with as I felt terrible mentally and physically, although I looked fine. I did finally tell the infertility doctor about the rape.

I had therapy because it was a form of PTSD and clinical depression. The drug enhanced everything but I couldn’t stop taking it because it was treating the brain tumor. Hard times.

My family was and is a bit odd/ cold/ mental. They really didn’t care and it pleased them to believe I made the whole thing up, despite my being in and out of the hospital on a regular basis, tests, MRIs, diagnoses, etc etc. They thought it was quite funny to call me psycho and deny the whole mess. DH (and the doctors) felt my family has a “cruel streak” They did an odd form of gas lighting that is still perplexing although therapy was very helpful.

Having those bad things swirling around in my mind was very dark, and even writing about it is hard to explain because so many things went wrong at the same time.  Every day I considered suicide. I had it all planned and I would visit the place I intended to jump from often. Suicide is never the answer. Now I can’t access the feelings that made me think this was the right thing to do. It’s like it happened to someone else.

I will always be grateful to my doctor, my brother and my DH for their support. It was years ago. The treatment ended. I got better. I have a great life. Today is the anniversary of the rape. The body never forgets an anniversary of this kind.

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