Anonymous wrote:^^oh no way too long

I read it. You're an amazing survivor. The body does not forget trauma.

^^oh no way too long

Several things went wrong at once. I got pregnant with a much wanted baby but miscarried. I started infertility treatments and shortly thereafter I was brutally raped. I wanted to continue infertility treatments because I was older, and I did not mention the rape to my doctor.

The infertility doctor gave me a medication for pituitary dysfunction. The medication affected me in a strange way. I was losing physical function, feeling like I was having an acid trip and having mini pre strokes. I thought I was having a psychotic breakdown when I went to the neurologist at Georgetown. He asked me to walk around and some simple tests. He said your problem is physical and ordered an MRI. I found the MRI terrifying.

The MRI confirmed a brain tumor. The medication for that was the drug I was already taking and some other drugs. The medications really affect mood (brain drug) causing depression and intense moods and memories. That served to bring the rape back to me again and again. And the fears about the brain tumor.

The treatment for the brain tumor went on for many months while my DH was working crazy long hours. The side effects of the treatment were awful. Everyone was real cheerful and upbeat about the brain tumor and that was a bit hard to deal with as I felt terrible mentally and physically, although I looked fine. I did finally tell the infertility doctor about the rape.

I had therapy because it was a form of PTSD and clinical depression. The drug enhanced everything but I couldn’t stop taking it because it was treating the brain tumor. Hard times.

My family was and is a bit odd/ cold/ mental. They really didn’t care and it pleased them to believe I made the whole thing up, despite my being in and out of the hospital on a regular basis, tests, MRIs, diagnoses, etc etc. They thought it was quite funny to call me psycho and deny the whole mess. DH (and the doctors) felt my family has a “cruel streak” They did an odd form of gas lighting that is still perplexing although therapy was very helpful.

Having those bad things swirling around in my mind was very dark, and even writing about it is hard to explain because so many things went wrong at the same time. Every day I considered suicide. I had it all planned and I would visit the place I intended to jump from often. Suicide is never the answer. Now I can’t access the feelings that made me think this was the right thing to do. It’s like it happened to someone else.

I will always be grateful to my doctor, my brother and my DH for their support. It was years ago. The treatment ended. I got better. I have a great life. Today is the anniversary of the rape. The body never forgets an anniversary of this kind.

^ I did have everything documented. Every significant text, every incident in the last few years of the relationship, all if the evidence of the kids thriving without him, supervision notes, everything. I'm in so much shock right now. I read this on all the abused women resources, but thought maybe my situation was different somehow. The abuser will always win. Nobody with power actually cares.

Anonymous wrote:A couple days ago. I left my abusive relationship 3 years ago and did a ton of therapy and self work to heal. Ex was charged, and had supervised access with kids which he quit and he did not speak to the kids for 1.5yrs. He decided he wants access and a formal evaluation was done. The assessor sees him as no threat to the kids and he will get them for full weekends. Said all the abuse and assault to me and kids was due to 'conflict' between us. I feel so sick and wish I hadn't left him. Life with him was nightmare hell but there's no worse feeling than knowing now my kids have to go back into it alone. I don't know how to cope with this. Now he will freely be able to abuse them and always fall back on being assessed as no threat.

Document everything. Hopefully nothing will happen, but make sure you document every little thing.

A couple days ago. I left my abusive relationship 3 years ago and did a ton of therapy and self work to heal. Ex was charged, and had supervised access with kids which he quit and he did not speak to the kids for 1.5yrs. He decided he wants access and a formal evaluation was done. The assessor sees him as no threat to the kids and he will get them for full weekends. Said all the abuse and assault to me and kids was due to 'conflict' between us. I feel so sick and wish I hadn't left him. Life with him was nightmare hell but there's no worse feeling than knowing now my kids have to go back into it alone. I don't know how to cope with this. Now he will freely be able to abuse them and always fall back on being assessed as no threat.

Anonymous wrote:The call saying my brother was dead by suicide.

I haven’t recovered. I just move one day forward. I have had pockets of joy, including the birth of my son, and all of the happiness involved in his five years of life. But the brother-sized hole in my life is never filled and sometimes feels even bigger.

Hey, PP, this is what I wanted to say. My brother died suddenly in the fall from unknown causes. This right now is the lowest point in my life so far and I don't know what to do. I've got no one to express my loss to. I can't really get help from my parents.. am married to a man with Asperger's who loves me but can't be emotionally supportive. I'm going slowly crazy inside while just carrying on as usual.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The day I got the call that my brother was in an accident. My mom just missed me before I got on a flight to CA, and I got a message from the flight attendant when we landed. This was before cell phones were common. I spent the entire day try to get back and then flying back to the east coast. I was bawling the entire plane ride. Luckily, I made it to the hospital and was able to be with him and my family at the moment he died.

Forgot to add, how I bounced back. I definitely didn’t bounce back and I wanted to die for the longest time. I still cry when I think about him, and it’s been almost 20 years. You just take it a day at a time and it becomes the new normal. I also finally got on antidepressants.

I’m so, so sorry.

DH's 13 month unemployment (10 years ago). I had, and still have pretty significant PTSD from it, but it's nothing compared to what others have gone through.

Reading these posts is reminding me to always be grateful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my cousin was sentenced to 75 years for molesting my brother and sister, and it was all over the news in our town. The abuse started almost immediately after I left to go to college in another state. He waited until I was gone to do it. I have tremendous guilt about it. My sister now weighs almost 400 pounds and my brother has come out as gender fluid and I wouldn’t be surprised if he is really trans so maybe a she). Neither has been stable as adults. I definitely think the abuse contributes to their unhappiness. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself.

It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

+1 It’s not your fault.

Anonymous wrote:My mother's illness with cancer and her death. After her death I went into a very dark place. It hurt so bad I thought the pain was going to kill me.

I’m so sorry. How old were you?

Anonymous wrote:There are 2, I'm not sure which is worse.

1. My freshman year of college. I had been suffering with an eating disorder for about a year and a half at this point but it got so bad that if I was unable to vomit what little I ate, I couldn't function. Couldn't go to class and just lay in bed for hours. My friends intervened and I got better
2. I had bad PPD. Didn't want to actually hurt DS or myself, but it was almost that bad. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so suffered in silence. Eventually it got better but I have major regrets and the first year of ds' life is filled with unhappy memories. People tell me all the good things I did with him, but I mostly just remember the bad (being detached at times)

Same. I’m better now, but it was an aweful four years.

I'm not going to share mine (which would be minor comparatively), or read the entire thread (though i did read a few posts) because it puts me in a sad place mentally. I just wanted to say that I'm sending positive energy out to all of you who are suffering, or who have suffered so greatly.

May peace and love shine on you daily.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS's late and surprising autism diagnosis followed by multiple severe regressions that stole his words and his future. He was my sweet and easy second child.

He is nine now and severely handicapped. I have moments of grief and overwhelm everyday but they don't last as long as they used to. Minutes instead of days. We still have a lot of joy and many things to be grateful for, and I try to focus on that. I was a philosophy major in college and somehow that has helped me with this experience.

I'm sorry, PP. May I ask what was so surprising about your child's diagnosis? Did you not suspect it at all?

Nope. I have a brother on the spectrum so it's not like I wasn't aware. He was a "late talker" but did have words, was social, played well and there were no other red flag behaviors. We called him our little "club promoter" because he was so social and happy and in the mix whenever there were people around. The first time anyone even said the word autism to us he was 3.5 and it took two more years and maybe 20 specialists before he was formally diagnosed but there were several regressions during that time. Today he has limited language and all of the behaviors and no one would debate the diagnosis. But I don't think our experience is very typical.

I was going to add a comment until I read some of the others. Now my comment is thank god those things haven’t happened to me. For those who did experience them, I hope you find peace.