Reply to what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?

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Reply to "what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yeah, I agree with everyone. The biggest problem is that OP is approaching this as a standard affair where the infidelity is between the husband and wife. The parents decide how they want to handle it and present their decision as a united front to the children. Sure, some kids are angry and feel betrayed but they are never directly involved.

In OPs case, the DH was caught by the daughter. She had to first deal with the disgust/anger on her own and muster up the courage to tell her mom. Then the biggest betrayal of all - her dad calls her a liar. And after her father breaks her trust in the sleaziest of ways - her mom wants her to forgive and forget.

Like it or not OPs DH INVOLVED his children in his affair. The regular approach does not work when the adulter is gaslighting the kids and making them a party to his actions. Your DH was emotionaly abusive to your daughter. You have deal with abuse before you deal with infidelity not the other way around.

I also really wonder if your daughter told you everything she knows about her father’s affair... She might have witnessed a lot more filth than youre aware of OP. [/quote]

Kids are absolutely involved as time and resources of that parent are diverted to the AP (and it doesn't matter if it was this particular woman because if it wasn't her it would be someone else).  Dad could spend the time he spent with the AP with the kids.  Dad could have spent the money on the families needs or savings for retirement or college.[/quote]

Oh, I completely agree with you. What I meant to say is that in more conventional affairs, the primary victim is the wife, and the children are the secondary victims.

In OPs case the children are the primary victims and the wife is the secondary one.

If this is family triage - you guys have to focus on the people who were the most victimized first. OP, this is not the time to be deciding if you’re going to stay married or divorce. It’s time to focus on your daughters. Separate from your DH for 6 months or so, just so you can give your daughters some space to heal. Having to wake up every day knowing that mom has already forgiven their father and is just waiting for them to go back to being happy golucky kids puts a lot of pressure on the girls. They must truly hate being home right now.

I also wonder if OP is scared to do this because a little part of her thinks he’s going to cheat again? [/quote]

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